Im Ready To Come Out Of My Cacoon!!!

OVERWHELMED :S

2010-11-09T18:47:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in so long, life has had me trapped.... So much going on that i feel at my wits end....
Broke up with my Fiance, Had a Dry Socket (sooo painful) & my Brother passed away suddenly 3weeks ago and im feeling as if things aren'y going to get better anytime soon...Im trying to keep positive but it's really getting hard. Just wishing everything and everyone would back off and give me a breather!
Not to mention trying to settle the house, which is stressful in itself... Keep telling myself just BREATHE!!!!
As for my weight loss, it's going great, well thats about the onlty thing in my life that is at the moment... Im down 45 Kilos to date & I want to lose another 15-18 Kilos then i think thats it... Im feeling alot less lethargic and more motivated & starting to look into Tummy tucks, etc now to fix all the damage iv done to my body over the years...
Its quite frustrating to feel & see all the loose skin especially on my tummy & thighs, moving around, chaffing, and just getting in the way of my New more active lifestyle!
Have found my saviour in the Trinny & Susannah Undies that help flatten and hold all the skin in place...especially when i want to wear nice fitted clothes to show off my new shape.
Another thing iv noticed thats even HARDER then losing the weight is training my MIND & learning to see myself & my body in a different way, stopping the negative self loathing thoughts & trying to look past ALL the skin...The weight has gone but the insecurities still remain! That sux! But after 25 years in the making it will take time i guess.
Thats one thing iv noticed is that the After Care ( emotional & mental side) of Lap Banding is lacking, well atleast around here... Im seriously considering forming a local support group to share experiences, tips, clothes, recipes, and maybe outings... I think its vital to address both the Physical & emotional aspects of weight loss!
Off to see Metallica on Saturday, can't wait... Then fly to Melbourne a week later to see them again :) Thank god, i need a holiday sooo bad, its only 3days but it will be great!!!!
Well im glad iv shared the latest with you all & hope people are still enjoying following my Blog, please leave me some comments, as i LOVE reading them :)
Be safe & Well

Lots to tell....

2010-09-20T03:12:00.000-07:00

What an emotional time I’ve had lately, filled with trials and tribulations, failures and successes, heartbreak and tears… But I’m starting to see a tiny light flickering at the end of this dark and lonely tunnel-….
Some of you may have noticed that I DID IT!!! I’m officially in double figures, finally, YAY!!! That was a huge hurdle for me and I’m sooo happy and proud that I have finally got there. More mini goals to be set now…I find it helps having small goals to work towards and rewards for yourself.
I’m now newly single (long and personal story) and though it’s been a very rough start to the year, I have learnt a lot more about myself and what I want and DON’T want in my life… Having to get used to living back at my mum’s though lol…Have painted my new/old room and enjoyed doing it and making myself a sanctuary where I love to be. J
I’ve also had some exciting news…Looks like I may be on “What Not to Wear”, with Trinny & Susannah!!!! Will know in the next few days…So excited! It would do me the world of good to have a makeover and learn how to dress my NEW body, instead of covering it up! I’m such a huge fan of the show and love to watch the ladies work their magic every week J will keep you all posted.
Travel is now on the cards for me, Melbourne in November, Thailand in April, and hopefully a lot more in between…I have been bitten by the “Travel Bug” he he…Europe is calling me in the next few years I think.
Still loving shopping now, NEVER thought I would say those words, but it’s a whole new world for me! Even my foot is starting to shrink, well in width atleast. I’m starting to see that if I wear more fitted clothes, it really does make me look smaller, compared to hiding under big baggy tents! NO MORE HIDING! Especially with summer coming, it’s time to shed the layers as well as the kilos!
It’s funny how losing something so important in your life makes you put things in perspective, think about things in a different way and look at things in a different light…Life is definitely all about learning and growing and loving (YOURSELF!) as well as others! The JOURNEY so far has been exciting, trying and full of learning….And it will continue for a long time yet…
Hope everyone in Blogger land is well, happy and enjoying life.
Feel free to drop me a line………

WOW! :)

2010-02-28T20:01:00.000-08:00

Well peoples, it has been a while... Is anyone still out there in Blogger Land? LOL.
I got quite a shock/pleasant surprise today, i went to get new work uniforms, as mine are now too big, and the lady had my Pre-Banded measurements :0 OMG!!! Here they are...
THEN- 26/5/09
BUST- 56"
WAIST- 54"
HIPS- 60"
BICEP- 17"

NOW-1/3/10
BUST- 49 3/4"
WAIST- 46.5"
HIPS- 50.5"
BICEP- 14"
Thats a total loss of 26 1/4 inches!!! :) I couldn't believe it when the lady gave them to me was a liberating moment for me...
It's crazy to think i have lost that much in Inches!!! Was so shocked when i actually seen it infront of me... Am feeling very proud of myself :) :) :)
Life has been crazy lately, up and down and round i go....My head is always buzzing with thoughts, sometimes i wish there was an OFF button lol.
Really not much to tell, i have finally cracked the 30kg mark and am excercising alot more, but not regularly enough thoughm but enjoying it when i do, just getting the motivation up to go and do it! Noticing my body changing more with the excercise, im finally seeing i DO have a shape ;), hehe.
Need to work on my eating a little though, have been falling into some old habits of eating when emotionally unstable and not eating the BEST foods, but im aware and back in the saddle again. BE STRONG!
Am also looking at getting a tattoo of the word BELIEVE on my wrist, it means alot to me and it will be a reminder every time i see it, to Believe in myself, my convictions and things that are important to me :)
Not much else to tell, house is going good, bills never end, home life is so so, family going good, etc....
Im officially another year older, and i had such a wonderful birthday, out for dinner, drinks and dancing with my mates, felt really good to go out and feel like i can just BE ME, no one stared, if anything i got so many compliments on how much weight iv lost....And it was a BIG step for me to wear a sleeveless top out in public :) The NEW Nikki is starting to emerge :)
Noticing my man seems to have some trouble adjusting to my new found confidence, i mean he has been supportive but not as much as i thought he would be...I guess its all new for him too though.
Went to ACDC, was sooo AMAZING, those guys still have it :) LET THERE BE ROCK!!! :>
Anywho, will try to upload a new pic of me, if i can work out how lol. ;p
Please leave me comments, i love to read them and see what people think of my blog and my journey :)

Come on!!!

2010-01-20T16:04:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged in a long time, partly because i haven't really had much to tell in my Banding world and partly because my personal life has been sooo up and down! Im feeling really low today, just hate my current situation and my job and having NO money all the time and bills keep coming! Its sooo depressing!
I can't keep telling myself everything will be fine, because nothing is changing! I need and want a new job that pays better! Sorry peoples but i gotta get it out.
Let me just say... my weight doesnt seem to be changing too much the past couple of weeks, but my clothes sizes and body have... I put a size on lay-by 14 in City Chic the other week, was in shock... it's funny how every shops sizing is different, some places im a 16, others an 18, and some even a 14 lol... But i felt sooo happy and proud that i have gone from a size 24 to where i'am now :) I seriously cannot remember when i was in a 14-16 last...atleast 10years ago..WOW!!!
Still only had one fill (3.5-4mls) and thought that was odd or not normal, but talkin to a good mate and researching made me realise im quite lucky and if its workin to not stress about how many fills i have etc, it's WORKING!!!
Well im going to go and try to keep my mind busy....Might do some cleaning.
I hope people are still reading my blogs... Photos are coming.

Ho Ho Ho....

2009-12-26T03:52:00.000-08:00

Well i will say this straight off, i sooo wasn't in the mood for Chrissy this year, so many losses and family riffs this year that christmas without ALL the family wasn't christmas to me :( Not to mention my man's first christmas without his mum, so was kind of somber...but i tried to get into it a little... But to everyone out there, MERRY CHRISTMAS, hope it was a safe and happy day for all! :)
Have to say that my Mum's face was priceless and made my day, when she seen her present, we got her a gorgeous, choc Lab, she is adorable and made my day to see Mum soooo happy!!! She named her "Bella" because she is so beautiful. And she came all the way from Goulbourn, an 8hour round trip, but well worth it :)

I got the one thing i wanted for Chrissy, a Wii/Wii Fit...its freakin awesome...my man spoiled me, LOL, and i reckon the Wii Fit will really be great for me, its fun, and you can definately feel it. So iv heard that people are cancelling gym memberships because the Wii is so good, so im giving myself 3months of using it atleast 3times a week and see how it goes...combining a mix of aerobics,flexibility, and some yoga for the mind and body...will keep u posted on the Wiisults lol...

So i have set some mini goals, now that things are starting to seem reachable...

MY GOALS:

Be more active.

Next 5 kilos lost, go Horseriding

Be under 100 kilos for my 25th Birthday (19th Feb 2010), 9.7 kilos to lose.

Do a Harbour Bridge climb, when i get into DOUBLE DIGITS.

Treat myself to something indulgent and just for me ...(im thinking massage or sexy lingerie ;)

Sky Dive and do Body Suspension when i get to my goal!

Lots more goals to post but for now thats all i can drum up lol.

Im fast learning that setting small, achievable goals is a great way to stay motivated and reward yourself for al the hard work...Though i must say for me, it's been surprisingly easy so far (touch wood) LOL...I mean, yes, i do have to work with Pammy and stay focused but it doesn't consume me anymore, food, dieting, guilt, all are subsiding and im finally starting to look at myself in a whole new light! :)

My body is finally starting to change and i feel bones i never knew i had hehe...Looking forward to spending my Chrissy money on some much needed new clothes and bra's LOL...

Also noticing how my body is responding to shedding 28.3 kilos, my periods are regulated, my skin is clearing, Dr tested my hormones, liver, insuline etc, everything is now "normal", and i haven't heard that since i can remember, Dr also thinks my PCOS symptoms will be gone in the next 12-18months... :) so that in itself is more then enough reward and reason to have been united with my Pammy :) love you girl LOL... ;p

It's hard to explain what i mean, but it seems since being Banded, my mind has changed along with it, like now i have this "tool" to help me i no longer feel pressured etc, im not really trying too hard and im losing the weight, i stop when im full and i try to eat healthy (most of the time) LOL...I feel like a weight, in the literal and metaphorical sense has been lifted off me....i can breathe, i can be me, i can start to LIVE!!!

Movin on up....

2009-12-05T01:02:00.000-08:00

Hello possums! ;), LOL. It has been a while...iv just had so much going on and everytime id start blogging i wouldn't get to finish, so here i'am...final attempt,LOL...

Yesterday was 4months Banded for me, and i have to say it was a rather reflective day indeed! Decided to sort through my wardrobe and clear out what fit and what didn't...To my surprise, there was alot more to keep then i thought :) found a couple of gorgeous satin dresses that id bought and never worn (didn't fit), and was nervous to try them...THEY FIT!!!! Iv FINALLY started to see and realise just how far iv come and how much my body is changing.

Im starting to see why all those "skinny" girls love shopping so much...im looking more and more forward to doing that massive shop at the end of my journey, might be time to invest in a credit card LOL! ;p

Had alot going on in my personal life and lets just say it's been rocky, but im trying to keep positive and push on...Whatever will be will be right!

Four months have really flown by and i received a letter from my Dietician, saying iv probably had 2 or 3 Fills by now, but in my case iv only had 1...And im starting to feel like maybe i should have had more or should be doing more, but my weightloss is still steady and my portions are still good, so im not sure if i need more or not...Suggestions, advice, etc welcome :)

I did make an appointment for December 14 for a Fill, but im not sure if i need it or how much i should have...Im thinking only .5-1 ml??? Im thinking i may wait til the New Year...

The main thing i need to work on is eating more salads, fresh fruit and veg etc and workin more protein into my diet but i think im doing pretty good...Am starting to pay more attention to the foods that fill me up and keep me full and it helps alot...Also MUST UP my WATER intake, iv slacked off! Naughty Nikki!!! *smack*... And excercising more!!!

Have picked out mums puppy for her for Chrissy (shhhh, she doesn't know) LOL...Shes a gorgeous chocolate labrador and is sooo friendly and affectionate and darn adorable...My man and i drove 4hours to pick her out and then are going to drive 2hours to pick her up on the 19th :) And i get to babysit til Christmas day yay!!! :)
Well on that note im off to bed...But im happy to be back and fighting fit. xo

Awakening...

2009-11-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

What a turbulent year, especially the last few months! Had a few big discussions with people yesterday, that were long overdue and shed alot of tears and truths yesterday...was a relief but also i still feel in limbo and i hate that! But all in good time, life is all about timing, so im learning.
Food and band wise everything is going pretty smoothly, plodding along and not much to report really...weight is still coming off slowly, and im not having any issues with my band, other then if i drink too fast i get shoulder tip pain, i noticed i got it when i had a few beers on saturday...But i know i could speed things up with some excercise, which i will, but currently don't have the time or energy to commit myself, so after Chrissy im hooking in! :) LOL.
Someone made a comment about the fact that iv only had one fill of 4mls in my band since September, but i really don't feel the need to go back as yet, im still only eating off a bread n butter plate, not hungry in between meals and am not PBing etc, so im rather content with where im at and my progress :) Just seemed like as a banded person they felt the need to tell me where they thought i should be! Lol...i don't fall for peer pressure anymore :p hehe.
Am going to get my mum a choc lab puppy for Chrissy, and surprise her, she's always wanted one and i found the most gorgeous litter, soooo freakin cute, but around 6hours away :s but i will go the distance for my mum, heck it's the least i can do xox Plus i get to babysit it til chrissy :) yay!
Next week i go to Pearl Jam and then go away for 4days with my Ladies :) should be excellent, nice private cabin, with pool, and plenty of cocktails hehe ;) And it will just be good to destress, no man, no work, no drama's, just chill, god knows i need it! ME TIME!!! LOL...
Seen Nickleback and Static X last week, OMG, soooo amazing, had no voice and could barely move my neck after all that but i had the best time! Music moves my soul!!!
Well im off here now to enjoy the gorgeous day before work.
To all in Bloggerland, smile, be safe and have fun.... Drop me a line sometime :)

HAPPY BAND DAY TO ME (& PAMMY) :)

2009-11-04T04:41:00.000-08:00

What a great day iv had! Can hardly believe it's already been 3 months since i made the choice, to save myself and my life and take control!!! And the day i met my Pammy :) 22Kilos down so far and "really" starting to see it.
Had a customer iv known for years say to me tonight "OMG Nik, u have lost so much weight, u look fantastic" she said she wanted to say something to me ages ago but wasn't sure if she should, lol, incase i was sick or something, even though i didn't look sick LOL, i told her she had made my night :) was very sweet and uplifting, and made me feel proud of myself! :)
It's amazing just how much i have changed inside as well, in such a short time, as my mate Bridgy and i were saying a while back, the Band does something to ur mind and spirit, but at the same time u have to meet ur band half way and make.
It's just been a very reflective day and also just all round good, balanced in the box at work Lol, had fun, and was just a good day :)
Two days off, YAY!!!! Tomorrow im going out for lunch for my mates Birthday and it could get messy LOL, really looking forward to chilling out with my mates and a few quiet ones, or alot hehehe ;),
I think friday shall be a day of relaxing and possibly a night of BBQ's with my friends and family...and swimming! Yes folks u heard right!!! Im swimming!!! Can u believe it!!?? I can't!!! It's awesome, i bought a cute pair of swimmers which are really flattering and i feel rather comfy swimming in my own pool with people around and i didn't think i would..I can't believe i let myself miss out on something i love soooo much for sooo long!!! NEVER AGAIN! The real test will be in a few weeks, when i go away with my Ladie's to a resort, me, strangers, swimmers, hmmm...Ahhh fuck it hehehe Piece of cake, so to speak LOL. :),
Food has been really good the past couple of days, but bad that i haven't really eaten alot, not because i can't, just because of the heat and not really feeling hungry...It's funny how i used to eat even when not hungry, i felt i had to, or i was missing something, and don't get me wrong i occasionally have the odd too much too eat , especially sweets, but with my Pammy i'am limited still so it's not anywhere near where i was pre banding.
Was going through some old papers and found an affirmation a Reiki Master i knew years ago told me to say every morning... "I'am Love and i'am Choosing to Love and Approve of Myself " I have started saying it and it resonates with me...hope it does with someone else out there too...especially women, we need to love and approve of ourselves!!! We Deserve it! xox

Confronting...

2009-10-31T15:59:00.000-07:00

Firstly, HAPPY HALLOWEEN, to all the ghouls out there! :>

U know what people....its funny how life is all about timing, the right place, moment, person, etc....And it's no different when it comes to accepting yourself and confronting all ur demons...

As i said in my previous blog, i seem to be consumed with Self Sabotage and also the fact of dealing with my new body and spirit that is emerging. I guess i assumed that with the weight loss my mind would catch up but it seems that our minds are our worst enemies at times....especially when it comes to body image!

I mean think about it, if u have been overweight for all or most of ur life it becomes like a security blanket, ur "shield" from the world and people, the only thing u have ever really known and the only body u feel safe in and are used to looking at...It's quite a world turner to start to see ur body change and to hear and see peoples reactions and to start to "REALLY" see yourself, for the first time!!!

I'm loving the changes but am a little scared of whats to come, the unknown, the realisation that I'm someone special and that I'm deserving of all things beautiful and amazing! :) Just got to get my head around that concept and i will be right...

Thanku to the 3 lovely ladies who wrote such supportive, kind and helpful words on my last blog, i appreciate it and its good to know that I'm not the only one struggling against "myself" at times...It helps to hear from people who are Wise Bandsters and gives me the push i need sometimes :)

One thing I'm noticing too is that my skin really needs to be toned :s years of stretching has really stretched and strained my skin, so i will have to do my best to fix it and whatever can't be done on my own i might have to see Mr Scalpel LOL...

Food wise, i think i need a spanking... I have been craving sweet things and giving into my cravings, (naughty Nikki!!!) and feeling like crap for it. I'm thinking i may need to start up my food diaries again and really pay attention to what keeps me fuller for longer.

Had some blood taken yesterday, just to see how things are going and how my hormone, iron etc levels are, as i have been sooo tired and sluggish lately, am thinking I'm lacking something, so be interesting to see results.

Whats happening in the Land Of Bloggers??? Everyone seems to be very quiet on the blogging and commenting department.... Cooee!!!!??? LOL.

I'm curious, does anyone have problems sleeping on their tummies since being banded? Does the Port get in the way?

Well really not alot to tell other then the fact that I'm buggered, did 9hours last night, finished at 1am, was in bed at 2:45am and then back at work at 9am ;s Not happy Jan!!!! 2 coffee's down, may require a 3rd lol!

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend and stays happy and safe. :) :) :)

self sabotage :s

2009-10-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how u can be going so well, proud of urself, content with ur progress, then BANG....U sabotage urself!!! After cracking my 20 kilo goal, i seem to have subconsciously started to sabotage myself, eating crap late at night and just making bad decisions when it comes to food! Grrrrr. Its like u see how well u are going then freak out and start going backwards.

Has anyone else experienced this???

I think alot of it has to do with stress, and the fact that it is scary and exciting and daunting to lose weight and see ur body and spirit change and grow, its all new, especially if u have never been thin in ur whole life, its all new and unknown. So i think i just need to breathe and re-boot LOL. No more emotional eating (will try anyways).

So i finally had something stuck, choccy cake, must have been a sign not to eat it! LOL...God damn it hurt, i haven't PB'd anything since i got my Pammy, but the other night i had the munchies so attempted some choccy cake, must have not chewed enough and it got very stuck, wouldn't go down and wouldn't come up, even tried to bring it up but nothing budged. Hoping that doesn't happen again anytime soon, not pleasant.

Bloody fluid retention is playing havoc with my Pammy at the moment, making me bloated and craving anything sweet!!! Im thinking i may be due for a small fill, i just feel my portions may be a little big at times and that im more hungry in between meals, so i think i shall say Fill Me Up Buttercup hehe ;)

Narrowed down the Port pain i was having to lifting, seems whenever i lift anything reasonably heavy or push against something i end up tender around my port site, so im glad i know what it is and i feel a bit better...am more cautious now.

Im at work and am bored to tears, in the TAB, 2 customers and 5.5hrs to go :s JOY! LOL...
Well im off for now, not much to tell.
Why is everyone so damn quiet on here lately? :p Lol.

YIPEEEEEE!!!!! :)

2009-10-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for a while, just had so much going on and honestly just didn't feel like it...but today i have some good news to share.
I haven't weighed myself for a while, so i thought id jump on this morning and to my surprise i have cracked the 20Kilo mark!!! :) One of my goals...im soooo stoked! Its made me even more motivated now....time to BRING IT!!! lol.
Id like to hit the 30kilo mark by my birthday in February and im pretty positive i can do that and maybe a little more :)
Funny how u have to get honest with urself at some stage! Iv been reverting back to my old ways a little lately and not making healthy good food choices, and lets just say i suffered for it, feeling sluggish and just like shit to be honest, so iv uped my vegie and slow cooked meats and am feeling better for it and im back onto the water, drinking around 1.5-2.5litres a day.
So how is everyone out there???? Very quiet....Is anybody out there??? LOL. ;p
How fast is the year going!!!??? And i can honestly say bring on 2010!
My man and i have had a really rough trot as of late and almost ended things :( Its just a really hard situation we are in at the moment and we never have any time together, just US...So tonight we are going out for dinner and seeing The Final Destination 3D :) am sooo looking forward to time together, and we can really talk and be close...I miss that soooo much.
Im starting to notice some insecurities coming out in my man as well, he is worried i will get "skinny" and leave him and he asks me why im wearing this and that, something he never did before, so im thinking that may need to be addressed before it escalates.
Not alot more to tell other then the fact that im on my way....slow and steady wins the race ;)
Take care all and enjoy ur day!

.....Time.....

2009-10-06T04:50:00.000-07:00

Ok so my life right now seems to be all about timing...how fast time flies when you are focused, busy and pre occupied,LOL...My 2month Bandiversary has been and gone, and i can't believe it's been 2months already....WOW!!! :)
I was shocked to see over 12,000 Hits on my blog now :o Thankyou so much to all the people who read my blog, simply pass through and those who seem to leave me such beautiful and supportive comments, lifts me up and makes me smile!!! And when need be gives me a good kick up the butt ;),

I have been bad as of late, especially with my man gone, just eating whatever and felt like crap for it! I have been more aware of my choices and am getting my arse back in gear!!! WAKE UP NIKKI!!! LOL.
Mum also pointed out something to me that i wasn't sure if i was imagining things....lol...she said im more pale (more then usual) lol, and im thinking i may be lacking in iron, seen as though i haven't really eaten any red meat other then mince for atleast 3months :o so i might source some iron tabs or go to the doctors....Ideas??? Plus i also noticed that the past 2-3weeks my energy levels have depleated to nothing and im soooo sluggish, not sure why, perhaps iv hit the "hump"...
Im soooo looking forward to going away with the girls in November :) i need it! LOL 4 days with my crazy girlfriends mwahahahaha look out nelsons bay hehehe!!! Will be nice to have me time and relax, its been very hard lately looking after my FIL on my own for the last week as well and its full on!!! Im happy to have him here but sad and annoyed his daughter is an hour and a half away and hasn't bothered with him, or offered to give us a break!!! Anyways....
I haven't much to tell other then im taking more time, slowing down, and re-booting...
Until next mindless data entry...... :),

Dreaming.....

2009-09-24T04:21:00.000-07:00

So......Fellow Bloggers and Blog Followers, I'm curious...What is the most significant and amazing moment or feeling u have experienced since being Banded??? What has made u smile??? Feel proud, or excited???

For me, on this new journey I'm on, it has been feeling better about myself, having a sense of worth, achievement, pride and respect within myself and my body. And the new found ability to hold my head high, put my shoulders back and strut hahaha (kidding) but i do feel myself walking taller and with a bit more of a sway in my hips :)

Good times!!! :)

I'm also getting to listen to my body more, when I'm hungry, when I'm full and when I'm just wanting to eat for emotional comfort...Big step for me!

Going out now is also alot more fun, dancing more, and just being more outgoing in general...Plus I'm cheaper to take out for drinks now LOL...Finally I'm a relatively cheap drunk hahaha :o I'm also noticing that i feel so much more comfortable in a room full of people, no more hiding in the corner....Look out world Nikki is in da house!!!!! mwahahahaha ;),

Work tonight stressed me out something shocking, one person doing 5 jobs at once, well trying....very chaotic but i managed, and needed a smoke after lol!!! Damn boss, give me a pay rise LOL!

Got a big weekend and I'm fully booked for once, got my Brother's 40th Saturday and my mates farewell as well, so I'm doing a double "date" hehehe...then got my nieces netball presentation and my nephews soccer presentation on so i will be doing the mad dash in between! God I'm a good Aunty LOL.

I went to my mums house and picked up some of my old clothes, the Pre-Banding ones, as i realised i no longer have any summery clothes that fit...Mum suggested trying some of the clothes i had boxed up and put in the "someday i will fit them again" category. I was very doubtful they would fit, but to my utter surprise, they fit and some were actually loose! :o Great feeling.
I'm sooo excited, I'm now 1kg away from hitting 20kgs lost...Has come off so fast and with relatively no problems.... Had a something get stuck twice now, but it tends to go down after a few minutes, and i know that it has happened simply because i didn't chew enough. It's a good reminder, cause it bloody hurts LOL.
I need to plan my meals, have been eating well, but kinda on the run, which i need to change, sit down and plan what I'm taking to work, cooking for tea etc.
Well time for a cuppa tea and bed.... *Yawn* Night all!

Big Breaths!!!

2009-09-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

Well lovely people, sorry for my last "blog" if u can call it that! I was just feeling sooo low, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and just plain tired...And needed to vent. My home/personal life has been such a rollercoaster and a bottomless pit of uncertainty...But perhaps things are about to change for the better...Time will tell.
I weighed in today 18.3kgs lost now! :) it's starting to sink in, a little LOL... I went out for a farewell dinner last night with my friends and was shocked everyone was commenting on how good i looked and how much happier in myself i'am, it was really nice and a little overwhelming LOL.
I made a comment like "iv only lost 18kgs so far" and my mate slapped me and said "ONLY 18kgs!!!!" Thats massive she said, and it kinda hit home that it is a great acheivement and that i should feel proud of myself and the effort iv put in! :) And u know what....I'AM!!! :) :) :)
Seems like for every person that is happy for u there is a person that is exceedingly jealous...so from now on no more 'haters' in my life! :p hehehe Haters LOL.
I haven't had any problems with eating or food wise and i'm feeling very liberated and in control, knowing im not on a "Diet" anymore and can eat pretty much what i want, in moderation and in smaller quantities is such a freeing experience.
Finally my thoughts are no longer consumed with food and it feels fantastic, im slowly taking back the reins!
Iv only had one instance where i decided,(against my better judgement) to eat brekky within half an hour of waking up, i only had around 2teaspoons of scrambled eggs and i felt it get a little stuck, was kind of like an instant heartburn/indigestion or reflux feeling, and it wouldn't go up or down, so i went it and stretched out on my bed, hands above head, and it went down within 5mins...But god damn as im sure all u Bandsters know it's not the best feeling in the world...I know how babies feel with reflux now LOL!
It's so amazing how most women (myself included) seem to lose our boobs first when we lose weight...Iv already dropped around 1 cup size or maybe half, but the "girls" are definately shrinking!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( Small price to pay i guess.
My mum took me shopping yesterday and bought me some gorgeous clothes, she is such a sweeti :) I was pleasantly surprised to find out that i fit into a size 18 people!!! :o Yes it was fitted but at this rate i won't be in them for long!
I was in shock and disbelief....Im really proud of myself for the first time in my life and i know that will continue to grow as i continue to shrink! ;) I also brought the cutest handbag and matching purse, very Ed Hardy stlye hehe :)
Thanku for ur kind words LapBandGirl....it's nice to know people care and are here to offer kind words, support,advice etc.
I hope people are still reading my blogs and enjoying them....Because the comments have been few and far between :( I really enjoy and appreciate all the support i have been given from ALL OF YOU! :) It makes my day and inspires me to push on...

FUCK IT!!!

2009-09-20T06:59:00.002-07:00

FUCK IT ALL..............................................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

2009-09-13T05:47:00.000-07:00

Iv had such an up and down few weeks, well months actually, but i feel renewed in some ways, must be the new Spring weather and the new sense of self im discovering! :) Iv decided to try to think as positively as possible and see if that brings good Karma with it LOL.

Im starting to see a real change in myself, my body shape is changing, my mindset is changing and the way i feel around people is changing.

I had my first Fill yesterday, went rather well i think, it wasn't as bad as i thought, more a weird feeling, kinda a bit icky LOL but over pretty quickly and he found my port first go! :) Although he did proceed to try to make chit chat with me as the seringe was hanging out of my gut :0 was a tad freaky LOL.

I officially have 3.5-4mls in my Pammy now and have noticed a slight change but he said it can take a couple of days to really feel it...

Im excited and oh so motivated, been gyming it and enjoying it, though i was slack last week, just felt really exhausted, but im back in the saddle again, im now soooo motivated and inspired to kick my butt into gear and really meet my Pammy half way! :)

Im feeling rather proud of myself too, am learning to accept myself, and compliments, which seem to be coming strong this past week LOL, its strange but great! :)

And i must say since i have been blogging this one post for around 3 days now,LOL i have found the fill is working, am eating smaller portions and going slow, nothing stuck or brought up....FINGERS CROSSED!

Iv also found inspiration in other peoples stories, and have recently come across a blog of a young woman in the states that has done sooo amazingly, doesn't vomit at all and is losing her weight and is very motivating and has some great recipes to share as she is a chef also,Lol. It's really enjoyable to read other peoples blogs and see where they have come from and are going :)

Had one chicken honey soy skewer and some vegies tonight was nice and i chew chew chewed it without an dramas and i even left something on my plate, im slowly learning u don't have to clear your plate off! *LIGHT BULB* LOL.

So i really haven't much else to tell but things are soooo up and down right now and im just along for the ride...Positive thinking Nikki!!! haha.

Focus....Focus...hehehe

2009-09-07T05:53:00.000-07:00

Well i got quite the surprise today when i jumped on the scales, iv lost a Total of 16.6kg since the 20th of July!!! And i feel so much better for it already! :) I'm in shock that i have already lost around 20% of my excess weight and I'm well on my way...
I'm joining the gym tomorrow, my man went tonight to suss it out and said it was pretty good and the people seemed nice. $15 a week, no contracts and its close...I just want to start getting fit again, and focus on my overall health and well being more so then the weight....It's about the journey!
Plus i also need to keep myself busy and burn off some aggression and pent up emotions, with all that is going on lately it will be therapeutic! LOL...My main thing is getting my arse to the gym, once I'm there i actually enjoy it, so push push push on i must! ;),
I'm not going to do any Ab exercises for a few more months, give my tummy time to heal properly...I think i will just do plenty of cardio and light upper body and lower body weights for now...will aim for around 45mins-1hour Cardio and 15-30mins weights.
Today i totally forgot to eat until tea time, not good i know! I had my Berocca in the morning and then had to go out, i wasn't really hungry throughout the day but i did have 3 tequila sunrises LOL...and some left over noodle stir fry when i got home so i did eat and i even had a low fat yoghurt for dessert too LOL.
Yesterday was a hard day for me, being Father's Day...I always seem to get somber..went to the cemetery to see Dad after work, got there right on dusk and stayed til the stars were out, its funny, i feel more calm and safe there then i do anywhere else, even in the dark...It's such a gorgeous,majestic place, with rose gardens, lush grass, willow trees,waterfalls,bell birds and surrounded by mountains...Almost 16years on and i miss him more then ever, it's only now that it's easier in some way to deal with it and accept it! LOVE YOU DAD! xxx
So I'm thinking of going as a 1950's pin up girl or Dorothy from the W.O.O. or a hippy for my mates 50's & 60's fancy dress 21st....Any ideas people?
Is anyone still reading my blogs??? LOL Soooo quiet...where is everyone? ;),

grin and bear it....

2009-09-03T06:29:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when things seem to be going ok, they go sour???!!! Iv had an odd day, started ok, then went down hill... Im tired of things and people pushing me, testing me, trying to break me!
Well i won't let them you hear me!!! Being an emotional eater makes it worse....especially when i came home to what i did tonight...All i wanted was something junky to devour and bury my feelings with! Im so frustrated, but proud i didn't eat anything...I need to learn to address my feelings and emotions and im really trying!
Im feeling rather low today for the first time since i got banded, not sure where my life is going, where im at emotionally, why im writing this! Whats the point!!!
I know tomorrow is a new day but fuck....can it get here already! Lol.
Eating today was ok...i couldv done better, but i did ok. Im also noticing that the more compliments im receiving, i think i may be self sabotaging myself, eating late at night, and feeling awkward when i get a compliment...Normal???
I just needed to vent...have no one to talk to right now so im blogging instead...
Bye for now...

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

2009-08-27T16:35:00.000-07:00

Well im starting to notice my appetite increasing, quite alot...And some bad old habits are still lingering as well!

The habit of late night snacks after work, last night i had 2x mini chrunchies and 1x mini mars bar when i got home from work...It troubled me a little at first but you know what...Iv had these habits for 24years and they aren't about to just disappear because i have my Pammy, it will be a process and something i have to work on.

I know it's mainly habit, but it has to stop!

Im doing really well so i don't wanna focus soley on the negative and what im not doing so well on...i WILL get there! :)

People are also starting to notice, and it's more the men that are saying something about how well i look etc, It's doing wonders for my self esteem and helping me to keep on track.

I have my moments where i slip and i try not to beat myself up about it though...Just make tomorrow a new day!

So today im 28 days post op and my first Fill is at 2:10pm today...I decided to watch You Tube Uploads of a Band Fill, maybe not the best idea iv had, they looked darn painful and some Doctors took upto 5mins to locate the port :s which didn't look like the most pleasant experience LOL, but the people swear blind it doesn't really hurt... Feedback appreciated people hehe.

Im not a big sook but i don't like the idea of being a pin cushion either, but im sure i will be fine and it will be nothing bad, cause you can feel my port very easily so should be a bullseye LOL. Im looking forward to having a Fill and seeing and feeling the difference it makes in my hunger and portion sizes.

Iv also noticed that the "Mind Hunger" is the hardest thing to overcome, eating for the sake of it, because your bored, happy, sad, etc, it's very much a sub concious thing and it's a hard habit to break. Being aware is key though! Im starting to realise!

I think my main thing is not comparing myself to others progress or where i thought id be...I keep looking at how much iv lost and thinking is that enough, should it be more, etc??? But i have to look at how far iv come and keep focused on that!

So another thing is iv also noticed my periods seem to be more regular with just losing the weight i have, which is great, especially for someone who has never had a "normal" cycle in all her life! I can only imagine the other health benefits i will gain from having my Pammy :)

Im starting to think about the future also, especially getting married...Told my man and my mum that when i hit a size 16 im going wedding dress shopping, just to try some on and have a fun girly day...which isn't that far away, im in a size 20 now! :)

I have got to start being more consistent with my Food Diaries, one day i do them the next day i forget. They are such a great help and a good point of reference, it's confronting at times to see what your daily food intake is, if you are honest! LOL

Ok so this blog has been in the "process" for almost 2days now LOL...I went for my First Fill today, but didn't get it LOL.
Dr Munro was very happy with my progress and he said to me that i was in a good place, with my eating, hunger and weight loss and i didn't feel all that ready for one to be honest, so we both agreed that 2 weeks, sept 14th i shall be Filled hehe :)
In the mean time im planning better meals and making the most of the next 2 weeks, before i go back to see him, plenty of salads, healthy snacks, and starting to walk the dogs...So i get myself into "The Zone" before i have my Fill.
Hope people are still reading my blogs and enjoying them... More Food Diaries to come :)

"It's not the Destination...It's the Journey that counts"

Driven.....

2009-08-23T00:56:00.000-07:00

So iv had a great weekend! I went back to work on Friday and i have to say i never thought id be happy to go back to work LOL...But i couldn't handle sitting still anymore and being able to socialise and be productive again is Fabulous!!! :)
It's quite amusing though, that even after being away for 3weeks, nothing has really changed.

People at work are making comments about how good, happy and healthy i look and they can see the change already, which is boosting me even more...aside from the fact i feel great, have alot more energy and my knees don't hurt as much as before (especially after a long shift) which is such a great start and it makes me excited for more kilos to drop off and my health, confidence and body image to grow! :)

I should have ordered a smaller uniform though (we were measured for them before i was Banded) because now it swims on me LOL. Oh well, that's a first for me and i love it hehe.

As for all my other clothes, they now swim on me, i have 2pairs of pants that fit me and i pulled out my Pre-Fiance clothes that no longer fitted me and they are now loose!!! Lol...So i may go Op Shopping soon and try to snag some cheapies to get me through for a while, lord knows i need them (but who's complaining)!!!

My Man and i and some mates have decided to join a gym, it's $15 a week, all classes, passes to 2 pools,a trainer and no locked in contract. So i shall give myself another month to pick up and recover fully then I'm hitting the gym and toning up this hot bod LMAO!!! ;),

Plus it will give my Man and i something to do together, when we can and make us both feel better about ourselves and give each other support and encouragement. I actually miss the gym so it will be great for me...

The thing is as I'm losing my weight I'm realising more and more it's not just about the "NUMBER" or what you look like, it's how you see yourself and feel about yourself, it's about becoming healthy and happy and feeling inspired within yourself, it's about making choices that benefit and drive you, not hinder you!

So I'm anticipating that this Journey iv embarked on will have me learning more about myself and my views then ever before!

I'm becoming more comfy with my port and feeling it under my skin, it freaked me out a tad a first LOL, just knowing something was there and being able to FEEL it sooo easily was a shock, but I'm liking it now lol....Its a part of me forever and Pammy's companion hehehe,

Have let a few friends feel it and they think it's pretty cool.
On the nipple front, all is good, healing well,looking great and i so wanna play with it hehe, not to mention my Fiance is chomping at the bit to have a touch etc.... ;), I want my other nipple done now though...piercings are so addictive for me LOL!

DAY 19

125ml Berocca
250ml Opti Shake
4 x Cruskits & Vegemite
1 cup Zucchini Slice
1 Jelly fruit cup
1 WW ice cream
850ml water

I'm also noticing that keeping track of what I'm eating allows me to have more control and to be aware of what I'm eating and how much...Iv found the last few days i have forgotten to eat at certain stages and it bothered me a little, not a good habit to form and it's mainly because i haven't felt hungry really, which is new and odd for me (but a great feeling)!

But I'm back on track and putting pen to paper, even bought myself a little notebook to carry with me, so no excuses!

Iv also noticed my hunger increasing slightly, as in the amounts i can eat...I'm not worried but it's a strange and surreal feeling to notice your food habits and knowing in myself when to STOP!!! I'm loving it! Though i know i will continue to learn from my mistakes and triumphs it's just a great feeling to feel like things are looking up and that I CAN & WILL do this, for none other than MYSELF! :)

Did i mention I'm getting my first Fill on September first, ironic huh, first Fill on the 1st LOL...I'm excited to see how it changes things. Not sure how much they add at first though???

Well I'm actually at work (it's sooooo DEAD) lol, so i guess i should go do some then hey hehehe.

I absolutely adore reading the comments left for me and would like to say a BIG THANK YOU to EVERYONE who is supporting me and enjoying following my journey! :)

Up and Down...

2009-08-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

So iv had an up and down few days, mainly due to me not knowing when to STOP and take it easy!!! I think i overdid it at the car Rally on sunday and was in alot of pain early monday morning.... Im just sooo thankful i had my gorgeous man there to take care of me and he did, so well!!! :)
So iv been taking it easy all day today, not more running around doing shit, just plenty of rest! Especially cause im going back to work on Friday, and im not looking forward to it, after 3weeks off! Eeeeeeeeeeek LOL!
Im able to eat more, but don't think im eating enough though??? I tried Cruskits today and OMG, they are a god send, go down easy and give u a little healthy carbs, yummy with cream cheese and red onion n ham :> hehe.
So officially 14 days Post Op, this is todays consumption...(iv been slacking off on the food diaries, but getting back on track, for my own good) Lol....

Day 14

125ml Berocca
200ml Coffee
350ml Up & Go
4 Cruskits with L/F Cream cheese, ham n onion
Approx 1 cup Shepards Pie
1 WW ice cream
600ml water

I know i really need to up my fluid intake and drink more water, just forget at times lol...
Felt my port yesterday for the first time, kinda freaked me out a smidge, didn't expect to be able to feel it soooo easily, and its an odd feeling feeling something foreign inside u LOL... I love blood and gore but for some reason it kinda grossed me out LMAO :o
So i really don't have much to say people......One of those days....

I Did it!!! hehehe

2009-08-15T04:48:00.000-07:00

Iv had a rather eventful day, i did it...I got my nipple pierced today...and it looks FABULOUS hehehe!!! I loved it too...was quick, and very painless, is more tender now that im braless lol and my shirt feels like sandpaper on it haha lmao!!!
Im just proud i did it, was something iv wanted for years and i finally did it :) Im obviously becoming more confident already and it's sooo FANTASTIC!
So i spent a few hours with my mate and her Gf, was fun and just mad to goof around and hang...Oh and i also picked up my engagement ring from the jewellers, it was getting cleaned and inspected for warranty, and looks ohhhh so shiney and new again :) I felt naked without it!
Im also starting to see and look forward to the future more and more especially getting married to my gorgeous Fiance and looking so forward to being a hot bride hehehe ;)
Todays intake....

DAY 11

125ml Berocca
250ml Opti Shake
500ml Water
350ml Boost L/F Smoothie
Approx 1-1/4cup soft Pasta
1/2cup fruit salad & WW ice cream

I know i was bad today, not enough fluids!!! LOL

Im doing some kind of charity rally thing tomorrow with my family, it's like a clue hunt and u go to check points and get points etc, sounds like fun anywho lol...Plus we are locals, got an advantage :),
Ok im off to have a shower and bathe my nipple hehehe and hit the sack for the big day tomorrow!!! ;) I will also remember to pack healthy snacks for myself, BE PREPARED! lol..

Content....

2009-08-14T02:35:00.000-07:00

So it's Day 10 and im feeling soooo much better, and brighter in myself... Been getting out and about more, seein my mates and shops, not too much but just enough to get me doing something new and different.... And keep my sanity! Hehehe.
So my consumtion for today people's...

DAY 10

125ml Berocca
250ml Up & Go
250ml Chai Latte
1/2 cup Zuchinni Bake
600ml water (Yay, getting better)
Approx 1cup of soft tortellini with sauce
1/2 cup tin Fruit Salad & 1/4 cup L/F Custard
Freddo frog
200ml Mint Tea

So at the moment feeling very content with what im eating and how im progressing to fuller soft foods, and noticing wholegrain pasta keeps me full for longer...Its great to start to feel more in control of urself and the foods u eat...though i will admit i have noticed old habits trying to creep back in....I say NO!!! LOL...
I was soooo close to getting my Nipple pierced today people on a whim..but am going tomorrow now...Iv always wanted it done but today i just woke up and thought im doin it today :) hehehe i love spontenaity!!!
Am watching the footy now...Hmmm i don't like either team but i love the game so im watchin hehe.
Well it's short and sweet tonight all....Im going to go and chill out...
I gotta get these Pre Op pics posted!!! LOL :),

FREEDOM!!!!

2009-08-13T02:25:00.000-07:00

Had quite a good day today people....slept in a little later then i planned, but got up and decided to go to the shoppies LOL. Brought some cool things (impulse purchases :s eeek) lol, got my niece the cutest hoodie (shes 11weeks) :) some incense, new hand towel for the bathroom, and wiper blades :) purple ones hehe.
Was just great to be out and about with the sunroof open and the music blaring! I just love to drive around, anywhere.
Ok so last night i tried about 1/2cup of VERY mushy lasagne, chew chew chewed it and it went down soooo well :) the pasta went down better then the mince ( had to chew it quite alot and lost it's flavour) lol. God it felt so good to just chew and have something other than a liquid LOL!
Im really happy with myself, im doing really well and thought to myself today my mind set has already started to change, im standing taller and holding my head higher each day...It's such an awesome feeling! :)
So today is Day 9, since Pammy and i were united in unholy wedlock from here on out.....

Day 9:

125ml Berocca
200ml Opti shake
Approx-1cup- Zucchini/veg eggy bake thing LOL (like a quiche without the cream and pastry)
1/4 tinned peaches + 1/4 L/F Custard
400ml water
200ml Mint & Green Tea

*Note to self.....Up the fluid intake*

So... tomorrow im going with my Bestie to "try" to play pool up the local, just for an hour or 2...Will be hard without a beer, id love one right now hehe...im not a big drinker, but knowing i can't have one yet is making me want one more LOL. :p
Thanku for all of YOUR supportive, kind, flattering and helpful comments and advice, you all know who you are...Keep em coming!!!
Im rather stoked!!! I tried on some of my old clothes that used to fit me about 3years ago (pre Fiance LOL) but haven't since...My FAV black button up dress thing with my Metal Patches all over it, and to my surprise...IT FIT (was a bit loose actually) :o im sooo happy, and was more happy when i tried on a few other things that were on my regular wearing record, they all fit!!! YAY!
Im now seeing this whole Journey could turn out to be rather expensive... So what! Im worth it!!! hehehe ;),
So im going to keep on updating my blogs more regularly now...for people to read and for my own sanity, helps alot!
I may jump on the scales tomorrow, im trying not to become too obsessive about "THE NUMBER" because i can see and feel that i have lost weight! My collarbones and cheekbones are becoming more prominent, it's Fabulous LOL never knew i had em hehe.
Well im going to relax for a while now and watch some idiot box...
Night all.................

ONE WEEK!!!!

2009-08-11T03:21:00.000-07:00

So my first Pre Op visit went very well, i jumped on the scales and im officially 14.2kg down, one week Post Op! Im so very pleased....I know it will slow down but im riding the wave while it's going strong LOL :)
My dietician was very pleased with me and my progress and im finding that the food diary (well liquids at the moment) is a good thing for me, so i can visually see what im putting into my body and to make sure it's adequate,etc.
I also tried a little minestrone soup tonight, about half to 3/4 cup of it, was sooo yummy, and i chew chew chewed,LOL...Felt good to chew a little again!
Am feeling almost ready to start introducing some mushy foods in...Anyone got any ideas of some good mushy food, aside from vegies? LOL.
I got my Pearl Jam & Nickleback tickets today!!! So stoked!!! And by November i will be ready to Rock!!!
Overdid it a little today i think, driving too much too soon maybe...But im just going to take it easy tomorrow, got my good mates coming to see me, so that will be awesome....Good crew! :>
So if i can manage brekky soon, what do most people have...porridge, weet bix, etc???
Go for my first Fill on the 1st of September....Bit nervous but not really.... Hehe.. I took my bandages off today, they are so cute and small, and looking pretty good, i love looking at cuts etc, im a bit of a freak LMAO!
Im off for now...am pretty tired and not much else to tell...So stay tuned! :)

Realisations.......

2009-08-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

I had a strange feeling today, it was a mixture of feelings really, of relief, hope, excitement, curiousity and some sorrow....Relief that i have made such an important and monumental decision in my life, for myself, to take control of my life, mind, & body and to LIVE!!!
The sorrow was for the Part of ME that im about to 'leave behind'...Sorrow for the years of taunting, feeling ashamed and embarassed and wanting to hide from the world (though i already felt invisible), of feeling a constant cycle of guilt and shame and anger when i ate, or when people would watch me eat, or when i'd sneak food and hide it as i devoured it ALL, feeling like i was with my "best friend" in the world and nothing could hurt me, food was my emotional "suit of armour" and i used it against myself for all these years, unbeknownst to myself...UNTIL NOW!!!
I know i will always remember the past because it is part of who i'am and part of why i'am where i'am now....but i hope to look back with pride and a huge smile someday soon, knowing iv come such a long way and have grown so much emotionally! :)
Im feeling very emotional (in a good way) and open today.... Can u tell? LOL! It's like iv had a "ligthbulb" moment.
Actually i think i had that moment last night at Mum's, we were watching TV and i went to get some water and without a thought i went to the pantry to look for something to eat.... I kind of stepped back when i realised what i was doing, just based on HABIT, i wasn't even remotely hungry and it really surprised me, that i just went there like a robot! Im glad i realised and have become more conscious of my actions and emotions...Loving it so far! :)
Im sooo excited!!!! Not sure if u all can tell or know, but im a bit, well a HUGE Metal gal (heavy metal music for those who don't know LOL) and im in heaven...My Bestie and i got tix today to see SLAYER & MEGADETH...And im getting tix for my Man and a few mates and my Brother to see NICKLEBACK & PEARL JAM tomorrow :> IM STOKED!!! Now all i need is for METALLICA to tour next year and i will be in Total Bliss!!! Hehehe.
Ok so more exciting news!!! I weighed today, i couldn't help myself, im not worried about it but i knew id lost more, as my clothes are getting loser already....Jumped on the scales, with a full tummy of food and clothes on tonight (i normally weigh in little or nothing at all LOL, shhhhhh) and to my surprise it said 125.5 kilos!!!!
Total loss since starting Opti Fast-July 20th (and getting my "Pammy" 6Days ago-August 4th) 12.1 kilos!!! I know iv got a ways to go yet, but im soooo Proud of myself for being so committed to my new way of living and most importantly myself...I CAN & WILL DO THIS!!!
Almost forgot...I went for a little drive to the video shop today, OMG was it good to get back a little piece of independence and freedom, though i'am a tad sore tonight...baby steps!
Well it's 12:08am people and its OFFICIALLY ONE WEEK Post Op!!! Goes fast!!! And today at 11:30 i have my first Post Op check up, hope im a good student LOL...
Thanks for reading and all ur support and kind words everyone, it really boosts me and makes me smile...
P.S... iv elected for another week off...im not pushing myself too hard too fast! :)

DAY 5.....

2009-08-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

God it goes fast after ur Banded...5 days already and im still adjusting to Banded Life. Felt a little tightness and kind of an indigestion feeling, though im still on liquids... and wasn't able to drink as much yesterday either.... Im not stressing butit's all sooo NEW and when u aren't sure whats happening it can be a little scary LOL.
So here is what i consumed for Day 4...

DAY 4:
125ml Berocca
200ml Coffee
100ml L/F Yoghurt
200ml Water
250ml Cuppa Soup
150ml L/f Custard
200ml Mint Tea

I feel like im getting enough fluids, but m sooo over "drinking" give me something to chew, even for just a second LOL... It's odd how well u start to recover when u take time out for YOU, staying at Mum's has made things alot easier on me and given me some breathing room...Gotta LOVE your MUM!!! Im very lucky to have her around me and to be sooo close with her! :)
I don't think my man quite gets it yet, which is ok, it's new for him too...But he just seems to be soo hyper around me and in my face etc, kinda annoying lol, but he's trying so i shut up! He wants me to come home, but im not ready yet, need another day or 2 to rest and revitalise myself and i will go home.
Meant to go back to work saturday but not sure if i should or could, they gave me an 8hr shift in the TAB, on a Saturday (chaos) my first day back and i don't think i would handle it very well, so im thinking i will see how i feel closer to it and maybe ask for a few more days off...because iv only put in for 10days off, so maybe some more... What do u all think???
Iv noticed iv been holding my head higher since my Op, may sound odd but it's like i have this secret weapon that is boosting my confidence with every passing day...I have HOPE now!!! And FAITH, Faith in MYSELF and my capabilities, Faith that I CAN and WILL make this work for ME!!! :>
Ohh i haven't forgotten about my Pre Op pics people, just not sure how to load am up, will have to wait for my buddy B to get her arse over to help me revamp my Blog LOL...New me, new Blog hehe ;) It wasn't until i looked at the pics Mum took that i realised id lost weight already, the 10kgs i lost on Opti really was obvious, even though the pics were kinda hard to look at, i have to "Because u can't see where u are going, if u don't look at where u have been"...
I can't wait to have my old energy levelsback and then some so can be more motivated to do things LOL, but all in good time....iv gotta be patient, not my best asset hehehe...
Im off for a shower and then my Best mate is takin me out for a little while...FREEDOM!!!! hehehe......
Where is everyone??? Miss my comments and feedback etc....Sock it to me Peoples lol...(im such a dag) LMAO!!!

Rough Night...

2009-08-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so thursday night was pretty rough, woke up in quite a bit of pain around 2am, and my man was wanting to take me up the hospital, but some peppermint tea and hot water bottle helped, i think it was the gas pains to be honest, as im kinda irregular LOL... But it was a little off putting.
Iv come to stay at my Mum's for a couple of days, i can't really rest at my house at the moment with everything going on around me and all the stress there, plus having FIL living there at the moment makes it a little harder. Im not being mean,but i just felt right now, a few days away is just what i need, to focus on me, and getting well and rested, call me selfish if u will but sometimes u have to be! Plus Mum has a bath tub :> hehehe.
I feel a little more refreshed today...Had around 8 hours sleep, am siping my morning coffee now,(even though its lunch time lol) and about to jump in a shower and wash my hair and then watch some movies.... RELAX!!! :)
So iv started to keep a "diary" of what im managing to drink on the fluids phase, to make sure im getting enough etc...So here is DAY 3 intake...
DAY 3: 125ml Berocca
250ml Low Fat Drinking Yoghurt
150ml Opti Shake
100ml water
250ml cuppa soup
200ml choc milk
200ml mint tea
4 small squares dark choc (sucked on)
This is what i consumed throughout the entire day, sipping very slowly...Is this too much, not enough??? Feedback and suggestions welcomed :) I plan to have more water now... It's all new and a huge learning curb for me....
Im soooo proud iv taken the first step towards making my life and myself the way i want to be and feel i'am deep down inside....This is something iv done JUST FOR ME, and it feels sooo liberating and fulfilling that i have!!! :>

Easy does it....

2009-08-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

Well my fellow Bloggers, its day 2 Post Op and im not feeling too bad, apart from feeling really bloated and wanting to burp or fart but can't LMAO!!! I over did it little yesterday so im just going to slow down and go easy on myself...Be kind to myself, i have put my body through alot the past few days (and over the years)! And now it deserves a rest...
Im managing to drink/sip around 3-4cups of fluid throughout the day at the moment, maybe more, but i just feel sooo full after which is a good but odd feeling lol...I made myself a Opti shake today to sip on so it will give me the nutrients i need as well as some clear soups to have, but iv just gotta go slow...am a little nervous of PBing lol.
My incisions look ok i guess, but are still covered... Go back to Megan(dietician) next week so will be interested to see if she thinks im doing well so far. All of Dr Munro's team are sooo supportive and understanding, its great, would highly recommend them!!!
You know the funny thing is it still feels sooo surreal that im FINALLY Banded!!! I know i have been but im surprised at how im managing so far, i know its very early days but im doing good so far and learning everyday already! :)
Im running low on energy today people so i shall go lay down and watch some girly flicks ;) lol... After a nice hot shower :>

"Pammy" and i are home!!!

2009-08-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

Well first day Post Op peoples and happy to say not in too much discomfort, mainly where my Port is is the most tender. I was at the Hospital at 7:30am and in theatre around 8:50am...remember waking up to them pulling the breathing tube out of my throat, was grose feeling LOL.
I can't believe im officially Banded with my (Pammy) :) She shall be my bestest friend from now on lol...All the waiting and now i'am done, my life will be an amazing,learning and self discovery journey for me! And i can't wait to learn and grow and love myself more!!!
Iv got Dvd's coming out my bum lol, thanks to some good mates who are looking after my entertainment needs hehe ;)
Iv had a 1/4 cup of coffee, 1/2 cup apple juice and sips of water so far today...So i take it this stage is anything that will fit through a straw??? Suggestions welcome...Can i have a optifast shake at the moment to sip on n fill me up?
I have some Pre Op pics (in my sexy green & white hosi gown) to put up here when i get a chance and work out how lol....Oh and a weightloss ticker!!!
Im actually very proud of myself for taking the first step to making a better me and a better life...I know i have a long ways to go but im committed 150% to MY PAMMY and MYSELF!!! :)
Thankyou to Dr Munro and all his surgical team and the staff at NGPH, for making my stay and recovery as pleasant as possible :>
Well im going to take some panadol(liquid) and watch some girly movies....
Keep following my progress and watching for new pics, measurements and weight/mind changes :)

Blink & u will miss it....

2009-08-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

Well people, i got "the call" today!!! 7:30am at the Hospital tomorrow,OMG, its all soooo REAL now...I have this weird excited,nervous,anxious,happy,relieved, energy running through my veins! :) Plus i think the massage/reiki healing i had done today really helped to relax,centre and ground me, it was Fabulous :> hehe.
So i have my bag packed, my reading and listening material for the hospital and my own pillow to take(i always sleep better with it) LOL. Wasn't sure what to take to wear home, so took a summer dress thing and slippers, or thongs....
Thankyou so very much to everyone with all their supportive comments and words of advice and encouragement, means so much to me!!! :)
I really doubt i will sleep much if at all tonight...But i will try!
I honestly don't have much running through my head at the moment, which is strange for me LOL, i just felt the need to Blog and share what im feeling and to let u all know today is the last day of my life as i know it and tomorrow will be the start of LIFE and my brighter future....My how things will change....for the BETTER!!! :>
Im in my own world at the moment so everyone who is reading, do send me some sexy,happy,skinny well wishes/vibes hehehe ;),
I shall return shortly, with my "Pammy" YAY!!!

Come on Tuesday!!!

2009-08-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

I had a really good night at work tonight, i even got a few compliments from my work mates, that i had lost weight and they could see it :> and most of them know im getting Banded so it's good,i have alot of support and people around me and 100% behind me, so it will help me alot!
I think it's finally hit me tonight...that the day iv been waiting for for so long is almost here :)Im getting butterflies in my stomach, more of excitement then anxiety, but i'am a little nervous/anxious...Just want it done LOL...2 DAYS people!!! :o
I weighed in today and i can't believe it...I was 137.6 when i started Opti Fast on the 20th of July and today i'am 127.5 so thats 10kg's,(well 10.1 to be exact lol) GONE, im in total shock!!! I didn't think i could do it,the Shakes that is, but i have and now im READY for the next phase of my journey :>
Iv even noticed my skin is much clearer since iv been on Opti Fast and drinking atleast 2ltr of water a day, plus all the vegies iv been eating, im vegied out LOL!
Im going to measure myself before Tuesday, so i can track my loss in inches as well, so i don't get reliant on my scales lol...
Iv also booked in for a massage on Monday, thought i really NEED and DESERVE one, especially before my surgery. Iv been sooo stressed and anxious and just run down the last few months and even more so these past 2 weeks, i need some ME time!
Got my camera batteries charging so i can get some Pre Op pics of me up on here....if i can work out how to do it... Lol
Night all.....

What a week!!!!

2009-07-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

I can't begin to describe the rollercoaster week i have had!!!
On Sunday morning my Mother in law passed away, very suddenly...We live around an hour and a half away and we got there as fast as we could but she was gone! Seeing her that way was devastating and one of the hardest things i've had to deal with, not to mention holding back my own emotions, etc, to help my amazing man and his family!
After 44 years of marriage his Dad has lost his "best mate", and i feel for him soooo deeply...Though i know no words etc can ease the pain, so i will just be there for them, every step of the way!!! Having lost my Dad, of the same thing, when i was younger i know exactly how they are feeling and it takes time....ALOT of time!!!
I told my man his Dad can live with us, because i wouldn't see him on his own. It's going to be a big change for all of us, but it was not even an option for me to not have him here with us! Its quite ironic how death can bring people closer together and test relationships, but i feel it has only brought us closer together!
It really gets u thinking how precious, fragile and fleeting life truly is, here one day, gone the next, and that u really need to make EVERY single day count, make it special, do something new, tell those around u that u love them and to be happy, beacause life is just TOO SHORT!
On top of all this i started my Opti shakes on the monday, really great timing for an "emotional eater", though surprisingly i haven't really eaten much at all, and food is the furthest thing from my mind at the moment, which is probably a blessing in disguise for me!
I got a surprise today, iv lost 7 kilos :o OMG, i couldn't believe it, i was sooo happy, proud and shocked...And it hasn't even been a full week yet! Can't wait to see the end result after 2weeks of 'shaking" it lol!! :> Surprisingly im not finding the shakes that hard to take, i quite like them, lol :o though i need something other then vegie stir fry to eat people....im goin nuts with that side of it!!! Any suggestions or recipes to help make this stage a little easier would be greatly appreciated!!! :>
Only 10 days to go til my life changes and im more motivated, driven and determined then ever to make my "Pammy" work for and with me, and to be kinder to myself and my body....
As much as im doing this for myself, i also now feel like im doing it for my Mother in law & my Dad....to show them wherever they are that im going to live my life and be happy and give them plenty of grand kiddies to watch over and protect!
Life is short people.....so i will live by these words now... LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH, LEARN, GROW!!!
Keep watching for new posts and pre op pics!

It's like Christmas....

2009-07-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god!!!! Hurry up August 4th!!! LOL. Im going insane here(in a good way) ;), counting the days till i get Banded, the thoughts running through my head are vast and immense, and im surpised at just how excited i'am,it's like the Christmas Count down, but only its the BEST PRESENT EVER!!!....in my Best Friends words "I've never known anyone to be so excited to get cut up" lmao... She and i have an odd sense of humour.
But as i explained, its not that side of it,well maybe a little, LOL, its the excitement of finally giving myself a Chance, a TOOL(my 'Pammy'), to REALLY LIVE, and grow and learn about myself, my lifestyle and who i really am!
Because i'am starting to realise all iv missed out on, and all iv let myself miss out on, because of my weight, it's very confronting, yet liberating to finally start to address the issues behind my 'love' and 'loathing'of food and myself....And i know it will only grow more and more obvious as i shed the kilo's, the shame, the hiding and the guilt and start to see and be ME!!! :)
Mind u im not not dreading the Shakes faze too much just yet, oddly i know!!! ;o Im looking forward to it a little i think, because iv just been eating sooo much leading up to goin on the shakes on Monday the 20th, that i think it will do me good in a way to detox as such from food and bad foods at that!!!
We are going shopping tonight and we haven't written anything bad or fatty or sugary on our list, we are making a real effort to keep our home healthier and more Band friendly for me,both pre and post-op....If it ain't there u can't miss it (in theory) LOL!
One thing that is annoying me slightly, is the fact that i won't know EXACTLY whats happening til the day before my Op, which for me (i like to be in control) if u haven't noticed is really hard to swallow, i want and need to know what time i go in, what they want me to do, LOL, its just me being anxious/excited but i wanna know so i can get more excited... hehehe :) :) :)
Well im going to jump into bed shortly and warm up, its freezing here, must be snowing nearby!!!
Hope u r all enjoying my excited, nervous, jibberish. Well those who still even read my blogs LOL... Where's the love people??? LOL ;p

28 Days & Counting!!!!

2009-07-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

Hey there, im back..... lol. I can't believe how long its been since i blogged :o time flies by so fast, especially with a new house and more hours at work and daily life, and my head has been focused on August 4th..... My BAND Day!!! :> :)
Its coming up sooooo fast, and i can hardly wait! I went through a period of feeling like maybe i won't make my Band work for me, or do i deserve this, what will life be like, etc.... all the nervous unknown questions, and lets be honest irrational thoughts lol.... Which soon were blown out of the water by the thoughts of me being in a better, happier, more content state of mind and body, of looking and liking what i see and what i will be like and life will be like Post Banding.....Hard to imagine! But ohhh sooo exciting and fun :>
I did notice something a tad scary the other day, as i shovelled a bowl of ice cream down, is that i have been eating alot more the last week or so, maybe im a little more nervous then i thought, or it could be me thinking in my mind, gotta get in in now,lol... Im pleased i noticed though. Now i can be aware and knock it on the head!!!
I start the Opti Fast on july 20th, and haven't had great feedback, any ideas, tips etc? lol. Im starting to tell more people also, which is great, it means i feel sure enough in myself and my decision to not care and be proud of this amazing journey im soon to embark on :)
I will say my fiance, family and friends, have been soooo supportive and i couldn't do it without them and their love....im very lucky!
So im off to bed now to dream of my new body and life :) hehehe. Keep watching and counting me down :>

Time flies.....

2009-04-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well hello out there....Its been a while since iv blogged....i haven't had the time or really much to say....All i seem to do these days is work...no time for play :(
I just added a Countdown Ticker for my BAND DAY!!!! YAY!!! its coming up fast and i can't believe in just a matter of months my life and myself will change in the most dramatic way! :> Can hardly wait!!! I catch myself dreaming, imagining what my life, mind, body, feelings, will be like Post Banding...Its a mystery, and a journey, one im more then willing to take and make the most of every High and Low!
I know being Banded is only the start of my journey, but i can't help but think how happy feeling better about ME and learning to love myself will have been well worth 24years of waiting :)
I got my money from KRudd, am stoked $100 for me the rest for rego lol.... Nice to have a PM who is giving back, even if in the end they get it back anyways lol...
House is going really good, slowly doing things to it, adding my own touches... Though my relaationship has been so up and down lately, hard to keep up! But my life so far is going pretty smoothly....hmmmm i may have just jynxed myself LMAO :o
Im off to give myself a relaxing shower, facial n foot scrub :> mmmm ME TIME!

ITS A DATE!!!!

2009-03-15T04:40:00.000-07:00

This truly is MY YEAR!!!
March 10th i had my consult with Dr Munro and i got my BAND Date!!! It's such an incredible feeling...Now Finally i have something to look forward to...The start of a new life, a new me, a happier, healthier, more confident me!!! I can't believe on TUES AUGUST 4TH, my life and the person iam now as i know it will cease to exist, i will start my journey on the path to happiness, with myself, my body, my mind and my life... No more feeling down, ugly unattractive and unworthy and just existing...ITS ON!!!! Time to LIVE!!!
And i couldn't be happier :> :> :>
I have been on a high for the past few days, words cannot begin to describe what i'am feeling, thinking, dreaming......And in just a few months my dreams, hopes, will all be reality!
I got sooo nervous booking the date for my Surgery, it was all finally real, happening, coming true.....I even got to choose my Band date, which was a pleasant surprise :)
Not such a pleasant surprise was jumping on the scales to see i weigh nearly 137kg :o and my BMI was like 44 or 45, I'm nearly HALF FAT scary, was a bit of an eye opener and more of a reason to do this!!!
What was funny was that poor Dr Munro barely had time to utter the words that if i wanted to think about it before i made a decision....before i interrupted and said I have thought about it and I KNOW I WANT THE SURGERY!!! Its the right and only decision for me!
I'm sooo excited and can't wait for August 4th...The "fun" part will be getting through the Opti Yuk stage!!! Am a little worried how i will go with that, cause iv never been able to stick with shake diets before but I'm sure i will be able to do it because of whats to follow! Fingers crossed.
I have settled into my new home surprisingly well, feel like i fit here, like its meant to be...Its awesome to have ur own home, and i actually enjoy cleaning LMAO (shock horror) hehe...And I'm love love loving swimming in my pool, i have even done a nudie dip hehehe (soon i will be able to call it a "skinny" dip) lol...
As for my food, it has been pretty good, bar the late night nibbles, but I'm kind of being alot better and kinder to myself, drinking plenty of water,swimming heaps , eating less etc.... preparing for my journey......
I'm off to bed soon....just had to share the GREAT news :)

Transition....

2009-03-01T04:27:00.000-08:00

Well Bloggers, i know i have been very quiet...Thats because i have been busy moving into my new house with my Fiance!!! :) YAY!!! Got the keys on Wed, and spent all day Thursday cleaning the house, ready to move things in...It wasn't left in the best state, but mum and i blitzed it ;) Spent our first night here on Friday, was exciting and a little un-nerving at the same time, felt like i was at a sleep over,lol. And now here i sit, on our new couch, in our new house, which we are making into our HOME! Its such an amazing feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment!
And i have decided i'am waking up early tomorrow and going for a swim...Haven't had a chance to get in the pool as yet, been sooo busy, but tomorrow im in! hehe...Going to start doing laps and aqua aerobics, good excercise! I must confess that i'am a little anxious about going swimming, even though its in my own home, just the whole being in a swim suit drama, but im sure once im in i'll forget all about that!
Its crazy to think this is OUR HOME!!! We can decorate, renovate,etc how we like! Did a grocery shop today, needed pretty much everything and it wasn't cheap, but it was fun organising where i wanted to put everything,lol.
Its funny how things work out, i have been on a cancellation list with Dr Munro for a few months and got a phone call the day before we got the keys saying they had a cancellation for the wednesday at 2:45pm, did i want it?...But i couldn't take it because we were picking the keys up at 2:30pm, was a bit bummed at first, but then i realised OMG we are getting the keys to our home! And was more than happy to wait til March 10, which seems to be coming around rather fast... and im sooo excited for it! I want now more then ever to be Banded, and happier within myself! Its a very exciting concept, which will soon be reality! :>
2009 truly is My Year, and I'm going to take it and run with it...Can't wait to watch the New Nikki appear, from behind the layers of emotional and physical baggage iv carried for 24 years!
I miss my animals though, i have a cat, 2 dogs and a galah and i haven't brought them to the house as yet, have to fix up the fence for the dogs as next doors chooks are getting through he fence and i don't really want to be responsible for a chook running around with its head off lol...so hopefully i will have my "babies" here with us soon... I'm just glad my mum is taking such good care of them... And us, she has been such an ANGEL (especially with all she is going through right now) helping us get settled in and just BEING THERE,it has meant more to me & my Fiance than anything. Part of me is missing living there at the home where i grew up, but at the same time I'm looking forward to creating new memories, with my man, in our home!
I'm going to head to bed, I'm beat from all the moving and cleaning, but its looking great, well worth it!
Night all ;)

Today Is The Day! :>

2009-02-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

Well, today is our BIG day...We get the keys to our HOME! Sooo exciting, to have our own beautiful home, and be in debt upto our ears LOL... It is a huge step for us and i'am so happy to be sharing it with such an amazing man! :)
Also i seem to be getting back on track with my eating, which is a good sign, and im feeling alot better within myself, not being mean and nasty to Me or thinking bad things!!! Big progress! Also had a phone call from Dr Munro's office yesterday, after all this time they have had me on the cancellations list and they finally have an opening, today at 2:45pm, but i unfortunately couldn't do it, because we are due to pick up the keys for the house at 2:30pm, spewin, but im in the right frame of mind and i can wait, March 10 isn't very far away now...And will be well worth the wait.
Its funny that moving forward in ur life can open up sooo many doors, and leave u feeling hopeful of the possibilities...Its a nice feeling.
I also got a real boost yesterday, i received confirmation from my work that i was accepted to go PPT, which will give me alot more stability and atleast when i go in for my Banding i will have paid time off, and more regular hours :> So YAY for me!
An elderly customer who fell over at work and i helped, and went and cleaned her house for gave me a beautiful card, in which she called me a "kind, angel", was so nice to hear that and see that i have helped someone...She also gave me an angel pin, very sweet...Its nice to know u have made a difference in someones life! :>
So im going to go finish packing and clearing out all the crap i have accumulated over the years....It feels really good to clear out ur cupboards, feels like it cleanses u as a person...
YAY...we bought a house!!! :) :) :)

SLAP

2009-02-16T18:45:00.000-08:00

So, i finally pulled my head out of my ass and stopped feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up! And thanku for the kind and motivating comments :) they really helped! I now realise i'am who i'am, i will always be me, but soon enough i will be a smaller, healthier, happier me! And that in itself is something to look forward to... Am going to start walking with my dogs, i have 2 and they can be hard to walk together sometimes, so i think i will walk each of them at different times, therefore i will get 2 walks in a day... When this rain stops!!! Im sending my vibes for it to go to VIC, they REALLY need it!!! Might even try to get my man to walk with me, and i will get my mate Bridgy to walk with me, we have been trying to get it happenig for ages....
Also i think setting some ME TIME aside every week will be helpful, i have really been neglecting myself lately, with all the Marley dramas, moving house, work, life in general...And i deserve to have that time, even if its only 30mins....i must do it! Also found my Oxycise Videos, it is such a good workout and because it works on your breathing,muscles and circulation, you feel invigorated and energised after it, and the best thing is you lose centimetres :)
As for my food, i need to think before i grab the closest thing and devour it! Been a daily ritual lately.
My mum just rang me in tears! She drove back to sydney to work, (she is a live-in Carer) and they told her that they were going to fire her or she could resign!!! After nearly 6yrs they do that to her, all because a agency nurse put in false claims about my mum being rude to her!!! Thats all it is over!!! They gave her garbage bags to pack her stuff in, and escorted her off the premises! Im sooo fucking mad for her!!! Correct me if im wrong but i thought you had to get 3 written warning letters before they could do this??? Mum chose to resign only because she didn't want that on her record (which they told her wouldn't look good) and they pressured her to do so! Am going to ring Industrial Relations now and see where she stands, she didn't put anything in writing and neither did they so it seems dodgy to me! I feel for her so much, she was sooo upset and hurt, she is 59 and works so hard and they shit on her like this, she has NEVER been fired from a job in her life! And ontop of that she has a mortgage and now we are moving out!!! But we will do our best to help her! Anyone who has any ideas, ec would be appreciated. It is a private property for a high profile person, so not sure if IR will step in!?
Gotta go, im on a mission...

Mind games....

2009-02-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

Well iv been quite frustrated, with myself, the past few days. I'am back to my old way of thinking...That i'am fat, ugly, un lovable, and not worthy of anything great! It may seem stupid, but i can't stop feeling shit about myself....My weight is like chains holding me hostage, keeping me from doing things i want to do, from feeling like i look good, from being more assertive and enjoying life! Im not sure what has brought this on...its weird, i think it may be the fact that i have jumped on the scales and the 3kg's i lost i have put on in a matter of 2weeks :s WTF!!! I just feel iam losing the battle and being consumed by the bulge! I want to be postive and keep my chin(s) up but its hard....
I hate the way my supervisor at work treats me differently to the 'skinny" "pretty" girls, they bat their eyes and get anything they want and when i ask for something, i barely get a grunt... I know thats how the world works and that is life,in this beauty obsessed world, but it is wrong! People can't see past my weight and it makes me feel even more unworthy... I hate when people talk to u and look u up and down...have had that alot lately...Or maybe its my own self consciousness that makes me think that...Who knows!!!???
I even feel weird being intimate with my fiance lately, feel unattractive and can't see how he could love me, let alone my body....I hate feeling like this....Thankgod for Blogging i can get my thoughts out there instead of keeping them bottled up, no matter how irrational they may be!
So i really want to try to get in for my consult with Dr Munro earlier, i NEED it! I think if i have a date for my surgery that it will feel real, like i have hope... i have lost all hope lately and have given back into mindless eating, late night gorging til i feel sick..... Im at my wits end... unmotivated, i don't wanna go out or be seen anymore....None of my clothes fit, i feel so low!
So thanku for reading and please leave me some advice, comments etc.... i love to read them!

Its The Final Countdown....

2009-02-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

So i came to realise yesterday that is 'officially' 10 days till my 8days till my birthday, 1 month til my consult with Dr Munro, and 2weeks til we get the keys to our new home!!!! OMG, YAY, its all happening! :) I haven't even started packing, eeeek, lol, suppose i should get my ass in gear.
So i have thought a little more about going PPT at work, just for consistant hours and more security, think i will write my letter today. Its a drop in money but atleast i get paid hols. sick days etc, and i will need em with my upcoming surgery!
I can't believe how our of control my eating habits have been...its bad bad BAD!!! Im snacking late at night, eating crap all day, FUCK, i need to wake up and snap out of it, what am i doing?! I know i shouldn't but when the food is there i just consume everything....its quite disgusting!!! I had lost 3kgs, when my dog went missing, but i weighed and have put almost 2 back on!!!! Hoping i can work with the Band and not sabotage myself as i always seem to do! I definately need to work on my mind issues with food before i get my Band, i think that lapbandforthemind site is good, but way to expensive to get the help we all so greatly need, there doesn't seem to be much support for the emotional/psychological side of the Band either, from what i can see!
On the bright side of things, my girl Marley is doing great, took her for check up to the vets yesterday, she has also put on some weight, lol, but she needed to, and vet said she seems in good health, soo iam happy, she has been through alot!
I'am having bad body issues lately though, nothing fits me, i hate looking at myself and feel like an elephant, keep getting asked by my mates n my man to go to the beach for a swim, but never do, i always make excuses, to hot, no swimmers, periods, and plenty more, i WILL NOT swim in Public, especially at the beach with little skinny bimbos in their bikinis and me the whale ummm no... can u tell im jealous lmao!?
Im bored, and broke, hmmm not a good combo...
Im out....

What A Week!!!

2009-02-02T20:51:00.000-08:00

WOW....i know i haven't blogged in a while but i just couldn't bring myself to do it...my head was in a mess... And iv been searching....
On Sunday 25th of Jan, my 3 yr old Labradoodle Marley got out, because of the fireworks. We looked for her that night til 4am, and continued for the next 8 days... I got help from family, Vets, Pounds, Newspapers, School kids, Passers by, and even our own Dogwash lady Candice ( a real sweeti), but no friends bothered to help(really pissed me off) but we had no luck finding her. The more days that passed the more desperate and hopeless we all became... Til Yesterday!!!
An amazing and kind man (Angel) called to say he thought he had found her up the beach and to get there fast as she couldn't walk...i think i broke all speed limits getting to her, my mum and i couldn't get up the beach fast enough, i was secretly thinking in the back of my mind that it couldn't possibly be Marley, but it was! She was barely recognisable, sooo skinny, dirty, frightened and exhausted, a mere shadow of our baby girl.... I couldn't believe he had found her, rescued her, SAVED her!!! And he was the same man mum n i had stopped and asked to keep an eye out for her and given him our numbers a week ago... Ironic.
Turns out she was wedged in a crevace 2 stories high, on a cliff face, for atleast 6days... Dave (Angel) said he fishes there everyday and seen sand coming down the cliff for a week, but thought it was erosion, it was actually Marley digging her way out...He said he then seen 4 guys laughing and walking away and they asked him if it was his dog, he went and looked and called her name, it was her, she only just had her head above the water and when the tide came in she wouldv drowned! He had to carry her across 50m of rocks to get her to the beach. I can't believe there are such beautiful kind people still left in the world... the other guys who seen her were going to leave her there!!! BASTARDS! He has a bad back and carried her atleast 500m from the beach to our car!
When we told him we would drop the reward in after she had been taken to the vets, he said " No, u put that towards getting her better" how amazing is that! She is still in the vets on a drip, slowly starting to eat, and when we went in today she was a little brighter and i got a tail wag, so good sign... She is one strong, determined and lucky dog... how she got there is a mystery, and a miracle she survived there for so long with no food or water!! And so very fortunate that a Angel was nearby!
Am sooo happy, elated and thankful that she is found and ok (or atleast she will be) :) We have our baby back... will know at 5pm today if she can come home :> Can't wait!
So a fantastic end to a long, stressful and somber week...
Will post some pics soon, of Our lil Surviver, House, etc...

WE GOT IT!!!!

2009-01-22T19:58:00.000-08:00

Well, feeling alot better now....sorry for my last blog! I was incredibly disappointed and negative! But only a few hours after blogging, and with a wave of positive thinking, the Agent rang us....He said vendors final offer and we accepted, after a little bartering, lol! Have signed the contracts and are just waiting for the deposit bond to come through!!! YAY!!! They have put the move in date as Feb 25th, maybe sooner... Can't believe it... our own home, with a pool, how exciting!!! We have got everything we need for the house, except a mop and bucket lol...Got a gorgeous package deal from Fantastic Furniture, and iam soooo stoked to be able to add my little touches to OUR HOME!!!! :> :> :> My Fiance has made me the Official Decorater, lol and he is the Official Landscaper hehe... I wanna get a Balinese/Oriental/Modern style happening...
Its crazy to think we are doing this, i never thought 2years ago id have met the man of my dreams, be engaged, and buying a house...WOW how things surprise us...when we least expect it!!! Would be sooo good to be in the house now with this heat wave...bring it on, lazy days by the pool with a cocktail in hand hehehe... But iam also going to start doin aqua aerobics in the pool too...will be awesome, haven't swam in soooo many years, and i used to love it, so looking forward to getting back into it!
Only just over a month til i go for my Consult with Dr Munro...getting soo excited and nervous...hoping i get a date then.
So im curious....to all my bloggers who have been married, what song did u choose for ur Bridesmaids to walk down the aisle to? Can't find anything i like....wouldn't mind something instrumental, with a bit of beat, not too slow, not too fast lol...im going to walk down to "All For Love"- Bryan Adams,Sting & Rod Stewart....any ideas, suggestions would be sooo appreciated!!! I know we aren't goin to get hitched for a while but would like to start gathering ideas... hehehe, Lil Miss Organised LMAO :p
Oh i almost forgot, i have booked in for Glamour Pics with my Fiance and i in March, should be awesome, we wanted something nice of us to hang on the wall in our new house, and something to celebrate out Engagement :) Am lookin forward to it, but kinda feel weird too, cause of all the weight iv put on in 2yrs! But i think/hope they will turn out ok, well hopefully HOT lol... But it will also be a good thing, cause i can look back on them after being Banded and see how far i have come! Will post them when we get em!
So far 2009 has started off rather well, with only a few tiny bumps, and i'am starting to believe 09 really will be MY year!!! :>
Am going to post pics of our new home and furniture soon :>
I was recently told this by a wise man & it really stuck with me....

"You Only Live Once, You Only Die Once...So Make The Most Of In Between"

What a let down!!!

2009-01-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

So we got the building/pest inspection report, house itself was sound but the backyard had a few major probs, the retaining wall around the pool has failed and needs replacing, the drainage in the yard is inadequate and need re doing, atleast 10k worht of work to be done, so we told them we would take the house for 15k less, they came back with 5k less, FUCK!!!! Am sooo disheartened!!! I know whats meant to be will be, and there are plenty of other houses out there, but am sick of hearing that, i know! Its just sooo hard when u get so close and u love the house then u don't get it....well we will know soon if we have, we put back another offer of 10k off the house, but i know in my gut they wont take it...and the real estate is pushing us to buy, so he can get his damn commission, grrrrrr... just don't know where to go from here! Guess we walk away if they won't drop! If that is the case we will be taking a break from house hunting for a while, im over it! :(
So iv had a massive headache for like 2days now and can hardly eat, good thing i don't have my band yet hey! My psorisis is sooo bad in my hair at the moment and i need a massage like u wouldnt believe! So much for positive vibes!
I know im sooo negative at the moment but i have used up all my positive vibes, meh, whatever...
So will post later with the result, but i already know what it is!!!

Fingers, toes, EVERYTHING crossed

2009-01-12T04:28:00.000-08:00

Well its all happening...............
We put an offer in on the house we loved....Owners were pretty stubborn, wouldnt budge off 300k, but we got em down a few K's so happy with that...Looks like we have got it!!!! Pending inspection results tomorrow from builder, we will know where we are at, if all is ok, we have a ourselves our first home!!!! YAY!!!! And its got a pool!!! Im trying so hard not to get too excited til its finalised but i cant help it lol, its our Home i can feel it.... It better be! lol.
Maybe i was a little sheltered and nieve about how stressful house hunting and buying was going to be...Well iv been super stressed and snappy, as has fiance...Understandable though with the house and all the family shit goin on at the moment!
Went and watched my mate get glamour pics today, her and her kids looked stunning!!! Then went to Yummy Cha for the 2nd time in a week, very naughty, but sooo damn good! Was great to just hang out with mates, and have girly days.
Well iv started a few of my New Years Reso's....and am happy to say that it feels great!!!
I don't have much to say really,just got house on the brain lol...but will hopefully be posting a great blog tomorrow...saying WE GOT IT! :> :> :>
Hope everyone will keep everything crossed for me and send good vibes my way ;)

Whats goin on people????

2009-01-08T17:21:00.000-08:00

So iv done it! Iv booked into for my first consultation with Dr Munro, YAY, hopefully i will get my surgery date on the day, i couldn't get in til March 10th, but made sure i got put on the cancellations list lol, even rang back to check i was on it. Its quite exciting because it means the ball has started to roll and im on my way to being happier and healthier, ohhh and thinner might i add!
Still house hunting, yes STILL...we have found 3 we liked but when i rang to view them all of the vendors had decided to take it off market and rent it for 12months til the house prices go back up again, can't say i blame them, but god dammit, can't someone up top give us a break!!! And they all had pools so i could go swimming without feeling embarassed or like a beached whale lol.
So what has happened to all my support people/blog followers??? No comments or blogs to read, hmmm come on people, hehe!
Well the family shit has hit the fan, and i feel like im doing a great job in distancing myself from it all and still remaining supportive and close to my family...though at times i can't help but think about it and worry, YES im a stress head! LOL... but thats what family are for to support and love unconditionally, right?!
Iv been feeling sooo tired and unmotivated lately,went for blood tests to see if everything was ok...sugar,insulin,cholesterol,vit B etc all great but she put it down to my PCOS, said that alone can make u tired,lethargic etc... Just haven't felt myself lately and i think lifes stresses, works shit etc has knocked me for six... But i'll be back on my feet soon enough! "JUST KEEP SWIMMING, SWIMMING, SWIMMING lmao!!! :>
So i don't have alot to say but i hope all u fellow bloggers out there are doing well and still reading my blogs :)

YAY 2009!!!!

2009-01-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all !!! Hope everyone had a safe and happy NYE, and 2009 is starting off well... My NYE was FANTASTIC, spent it in Sydney at my mums work,on a multi million dollar property/mansion, right on the harbour, we could see the whole city and the bridge, was funny trying to watch my swearing with all the Posho's hehehe...it was so beautiful to spend it with my family and my Fiance...The Fireworks were UNBELIEVABLE, such a sight to see, so close up WOW!...We stayed up and watched the sun rise over the city...was a great way to see in the New Year! :>
Iv decided 09 is MY year! A new me, engagement party, hopefully a new home, and so much more....The possibilities are exciting, nerve racking, and endless!!! I cannot wait to get my Band/ my PAMMY hehe, its the first step towards a happier, healthier, and more out going and confident me, and i can't wait to meet the woman that has been hiding inside all these years...Though i will admit the thought of seeing myself slimmer is daunting because i have NEVER been slim, iv been overweight since i was a child and have suffered ridicule all my life, which hasn't helped with my low self esteem, but i can see myself emerging slowly, just with the notion that iam getting banded and have found my answer, my team mate and my hope, all in a little silicone band lol... No more hiding and feeling ashamed and uncomfy with me and my body...NO MORE!!!
And i think it will help my relationship, because being happy with me can only improve my relationship with myself and my man...u think?

So here are my Resolutions for 2009...

*Quit smoking!
*Love MYSELF more!
*Get my Pammy (band)!
*Lose ATLEAST 30kgs this year!
*Be more Active!
*Get out more, with friends etc!
*Start a Savings Account !
*Have more SEX hehe!
*Put me first!

Iv never really been one to make New Years Resolutions or stick to them, but this year is going to be very different, i'am determined to put my best foot forward and strive to stick to and smash my resolutions out of the water...Because i owe it to myself to do it!!!
I have also decided that i'am going to distance myself from my family drama's that are going to make this year a tad rocky, to say the least, but i will still be there for my family but am not going to get involved because it will only make it hard when things finally blow over... Plus we are a strong family and will pull through it fine, im hoping!
So i feel different this year already, just more hopeful, positive, driven and inspired...And ready to throw out the OLD and in with the NEW! :)
Also a HUGE THANKU to all my Blog followers and fellow Bloggers for all ur advice, help ,support and kind words throughout 08 and look forward to following more blogs and seeing more people follow mine :)

So Up & Down...

2008-12-28T04:39:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone had a lovely Chrissy and got spoiled.... I know i did... :) I got Singstar, am so stoked, hehe I am such a wannabe singer lmao!
Had the in laws up from Chrissy Day til sunday(today) my mother in law did my head in, so rude, anti social and nasty, made me feel soooo uncomfortable in my pwn home!!! Iv never felt that way around someone before, i kept trying and trying to make an effort to talk to her, make conversation, make her feel at home, but she gave me nothing back, not even a smile, and i would catch her staring at me! By sunday i was totally over making an effort and when they left i told my fiance how i felt, he was like its not you, its my mum, shes like that with everyone, don't take it personally! But i can't help but feel it is personal, she will be mopey and sour when its just her and i or my family and her, then when my man comes into the room she is all smiles, and happy, so two faced...When he was out of the room, his mum and i were making chit chat and i said something like "yeh he's my baby, I love him" and she turned to me and said, "well he is MY baby" but in a really mean and cold tone...i was shocked.
I think i may be coming across as a bitch, hope not..... lol....just a sticky situation, and my fiance and i were arguing about it, then i thought im not going to argue over his mum and let her come between us!!! Am i wrong to feel this way? Any tips or advice would be happily welcomed!!!???
Now i know everyones been busy with Chrissy but why hasn't ANYONE left me a comment? :( im feeling like no one is interested in my blogs anymore!? God im a sook haha!
Can't believe how excited iam to be getting closer to getting my Band ("Pammy"), 2009 is going to bring such a new and amazing journey and iv actually surprised myself in telling a few more people about getting Banded, and have not had a bad reaction yet... Though my brother recommended i check out some similar procedure that uses bubbles to squish the stomach and has same effect but it isnt clamped around ur stomach so apparently better...anyone know what he is talking about? i couldn't find it cause he didn't know what it was called??? Anyone heard of the stomach being erroded from a Band? thats my only main concern...
Splurged a little over chrissy and got sooo much damn choccy, i was thinking oh geez thanks, r u trying to make me fatter! LOL so im trying to give them to good homes... Getting back on track though, not really stressing anymore.
Am going to start my Diabex tomorrow for my Insulin Resistance and PCOS my Doc said that is probably why iam so tired and run down all the time, my cells aren;t getting the sugar they need and i think she may be right! So will get back on them and see what happens and also hope the side effects don't come back with em.
I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays and are keeping happy and safe!!! All the BEST for 2009...may it be a happy, fulfilling, and eventful New year for each of you and i hope all ur dreams,wants and needs come true!!!!

HO HO F**King Ho

2008-12-23T06:16:00.000-08:00

Well i haven't blogged for a while...have been flat out with work, shopping and an endless mountain of presents to wrap...eeek where is Santa when u need him hahaha!!!??? ;), Alot has been goin on, we put an offer in on a house, and nearly had it, but the agent kept screwing us around and giving us false info, so we missed out, was disappointed but there will be more houses out there... just hope we find one soon as the thrill of house hunting is losing appeal fast lol.
My fiance is selling his boat tomorrow, its his baby but we don't use it much around here and it is a ski boat so its not really practical for this area but it is his/our baby, and i told him to think really hard about selling it and not to if he wasn't sure, and his response was he wants to sell it to pay off his debts, so we can get into a house quicker and i thought that was incredibly sweet!!! we can get a fishing/skiing boat down the track... he is such a sweeti. And i know how lucky i'am....
Am kinda over Chrissy already, so much stress, rushing around and not to mention money, its just excessive....i sound like such a humbug hehe. Im sure i will enjoy Christmas day with my family, well whats left of my family, everyone is at each others throats for reasons i can't quite say, but i will say that certain members of my family won't be in the same room with each other EVER again, which is sooo sad and i feel in the middle and am trying to remain neutral but its not really happening! I hope things work out and they can put aside their differences in the near future... Seems almost everyone has family dramas this time of year lol strange!
As for my eating habits, well lets not go there, i will say this though i have never ate so much Macca's as i have this week, just cause of being so so busy and never home...Bad Nikki Bad!!! Back on track again after Chrissy though... Oh and i'am going to try my hardest to give up smoking in the New Year, for my health, to save money and for my upcoming Banding!!!
Still staring at my ring, my engagement ring that is hahahahaha! ;>, i'am also starting to look for reception venues, dresses, invite ideas etc so i have a ideas for when we decide to set a date, which we r both thinking won't be for about 2-3yrs, til we get settled into a house, save some $ and i get banded and on my way to my goal weight, then we will set a date.... Which im quite happy with, because i want to feel so damn sexy and glamorous on our wedding day and i know losing some weight will be a major factor in that!
Am spending NYE in sydney, right on the harbour at my mums work to watch the BIG fireworks show....am soo looking forward to it, it's my first NYE off in like 4 or 5 years, bring it on hehe.... Am really looking forward to a New Year with new beginnings, adventures and fun....and most of all a NEW ME!
I hope everyone has an Incredible,safe and Happy Chrissy and New Year and all the best for 2009..... see u in the New Year :)

fingers crossed!

2008-12-10T03:54:00.000-08:00

Well, to start with, i have had heartburn for like 2days, and it is driving me nuts, not to mention kinda painful! dammit, go away lol! :( iv drank enough mylanta for a horse lol and no change and i can't think of anything i ate that wouldv caused it.... any home remedies anyone wants to share? more than welcome.
Slowly coming down off cloud 9, still catch myself staring at my ring, its sooo pretty and sparkley hehe im in love...with my ring hehe. and my fiance of course ;) Haven't really set a date but we are thinking probably 2ish years, but i have found a dress that i adore, its so sexy and classic, and also unique.... why is it that most or should i say majority of plus size bridal dresses are hideous, out dated and boring???!!! hmmm tisk tisk designers! :p
We've decided we want to get a house first and have put in 2 offers on a couple and are waiting to hear back, got my fingers crossed....everyone cross everything for us and send positive vibes my way please :> we so found our dream home but they are being greedy greedy vendors lol SELL US THE HOUSE!!! But if it's meant to be it will be huh.
As for my weight i have lost 1kg and have had a few comments from people saying i have lost when i can't even notice it...could be all the sex LMAO!! :0 am dying for july to be here already, want this band sooooo badly u would not believe... i also ordered a book to help with the mind taming that needs to take place for me to succeed with my weight loss...it's called the Gabriel Method, anyone tried or heard of it? Its meant to help re-educate ur mind and thought process so won't hurt...
Put the Chrissy tree up tonight,looks great and it's made it feel more like Christmas...Hope Santa comes to me haha...
Well im off to drink some more mylanta.....HEARTBURN BE GONE!!!! grrrrr lol.

On Cloud 9...Im ENGAGED!!! :>

2008-12-02T04:18:00.000-08:00

WOW...I keep staring at my finger in amazement and happiness...i can't believe that iam actually ENGAGED to the most amazing, sweet, strong, kind, man and that i had no idea that he was going to pop the question. I mean i had a feeling it would happen soon but had no clue he was going to ask me to marry him at the beach, under the stars on our 2year Anniversary!!! Im so so so HAPPY!!! It was so sweet when he knelt down on one knee and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, reached in his pocket for a little white box with the most gorgeous ring inside...R u serious i said lol, i started crying surprisingly and said YES I don't know how many times...What an amzing day...i haven't stopped smiling :) :) :) And won't for a long time.
So now we are Engaged and looking for a house to buy and make a home together everything just seems sooo right. Iam now even more than before sooo determined to get my band ASAP and look amazing for myself, my health and OUR WEDDING DAY!!!
I just feel so much more driven and motivated now to lose weight and get fit and feel good about myself and love myself as much as my FIANCE does, hehehe so strange to say lol...
So iv had such a AMAZING start to the week i honestly don't think anything could bring me down at the moment! Going to look at more houses this saturday...they are getting cheaper and cheaper, found one we adore but didnt want to rush in, keep looking til we know when its the one!
Work is good getting more shifts.... finally, really need the $ and we got our staff Chrissy party on the 14th and im so excited and hoping i don't end up as messy as last year hahaha ;>,
Jumped on the scales and am down 1kg, i'm not sure why, i haven't been trying lol, weird, maybe once u stop u lose weight...who knows...
So i just had to update u all on the BIG NEWS...and just type it so i believe it too lol....

The possibilities.... :)

2008-11-30T04:23:00.000-08:00

Well hi there, im back....with some excellent news...We got approved for a house loan...got $300k to spend, but not sure we want to spend that much for our first home. It made my day getting the phone call on friday...so we have been looking at some houses and found one we are in love with, but are going to keep looking and not rush in too quickly... :) YAY! we can start building a life together!
WOW,tomorrow is our 2year Anniversary, my how time flies when you are having fun :) i can't believe how fast it has gone, i have my special man, a happy life and soon a more healthy one, so iam very very pleased...think we will go out for dinner tomorrow to celebrate and share a bottle of wine, and we have the house to ourselves finally so we can be romantic ;>, I never thought i would be here....now...happy....content in a relationship.....and this is my longest and happiest relationship ever...2 years WOOHOO lol...
So iv been reading about banding on the net and read that some people only eat 2 cups of food a day!!! that seems quite extreme and to me unhealthy??? what is everyones opinions on that...is it normal? It just bothered me a bit, i mean i know i have issues with food etc, and am looking forward to eating less, im not sure if 2 cups a day would be what i want for me, i still want to eat and enjoy my food... Also do any of you out there drink when you are eating, like can u sip a glass of wine whist eating etc?
Is anyone out there still reading my blogs? i haven't had comments or feedback for ages...how sad haha....please leave comments,feedback, advice,etc...or just say hi :>
Will keep u all posted on what is going on in my life....

Loving life right now, and so happy... "To Be Me"

Changes all round....

2008-11-24T03:53:00.000-08:00

Hi peoples, well alot has been happening!!! And Iv made an executive decision... im going to switch Health Funds from NIB to HCF, instead of paying $119 a month i would only have to pay $75...BIG difference! and they will roll over the time i have already waited with NIB so i don't have to wait the 12month waiting list...YAY!!! im approved for my BAND in july 09 on the 8th..not too far away...looking forward to 2009!!!
Also my man and i went for a house loan on sat...well a pre approval, and will know on thurs if we r approved...soooo excited! And scared! lol. we have found a few houses we like, so will have a look at them on the weekend. its a HUGE move, but now is the time to buy, and the interest is only going to keep dropping the way things are going and i think we are ready. It just means we will have to stick to a budget and im going to get a 2nd job a few days a week just to put into a savings account to help us get started...And i will have to stay away from the shops and stop buying clothes etc...it will be worth the sacrifice though!!!
Apparently i have lost weight according to other people, though im too scared to jump on the scales and see lol...i don't think i have but i never do so i may have, lol... have been working sooo much and not stopping so maybe all the work has knocked some weight off me lol...
So im feeling finally things are happening in my life that are positive and have meaning and that i have quite a positive future together with my man! :)
Will keep u all posted on any news and am always happy to hear comments and see new followers of my blog! :)
Also anyone out there with HCF who has been banded? would love to hear feedback!!

Spooky..........

2008-11-14T18:29:00.000-08:00

Well finally went on my ghost tour last night...went to 2 cemetaries, was pretty cool...the first one had alot of energies and i felt quite cold at first being there, but then found that i felt really at home there after a while, and not scared at all. i got some amazing photos of orbs, and spirits around me, was amazing!!!! Can't explain them, but they were definately there. also heard a baby crying in the distance and a harmonica, and we were in the stix,so explain that!!! When we got to the next cemetary it pissed down and we had to just sit there waiting for the rain to ease, but to my predictions it didn't, so we will hopefully get the chance to go to it again soon... because i got good vibes at that one and it made me realise just how much im into spirits and spirituality.
So not alot is going on today, slept in quite late and am going to work at 6pm, oh joy! Hoping it is quiet tonight, don't feel like being around alot of people today,not sure why!?
Im sooo over food, its not my friend, just a bitchy two faced traitor that tells me they are my friend then stabs me in the back when i turn around and BANG 5kilos...sneaky fucker...i haven't put on weight lately but im just over food and ALWAYS feeling GUILTY when i eat....it sux!!! So i still haven't got my ass to the gym....and am pissed at myself...but between work, trying to do prac and life in general i just don't have the time... guess i have to be a better juggler lol.
so im off to help the neighbours with their garage sale...hoping my partners dirtbike sells. :)
Will have to post some new pics soon, especially those of the ghost tour and my new dress.

So Sick Of Being Sick!!!

2008-11-11T05:10:00.000-08:00

So here is sit, can't sleep, can't stop coughing, headache and just feeling generally run down...went to Dr's yesterday, to get something for this cold iv had for over a month now!!! They are starting to help but doc said they may cause thrush.....ooooh joy! lol. Im going to be broke this week cause i had 2days off, eeek. I have just been eating for comfort latley, with the death of my friend, work and family stresses and anything that would make me feel better, low and behold my ol pal...FOOD! But am determined to get back on track!
Got my ghost tour on friday, sooo excited, to get out and do something iv always wanted to do, and to hang out with my mate Biddy! :) GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!!
So its now 12:34am and im thinking i should drag my butt to bed.
Iv been looking into changing health funds, im with NIB and pay $119 a month, so i can be covered for my Banding surgery, but really cant afford it, and am hoping there is something cheaper out there, and just thinking that i hope they will swap the waiting time over if i swap funds so i don't have to wait the 12months again, as i will be approved with NIB in July 09...not very far away, bring it on! Im soooo looking forward to getting this life saving and changing tool for me to begin my new journey....To Be Me! :>
Im sooo happy to see people are leaving me comments and iv been reading their blogs too and really enjoying seeing things from other peoples points of view, it is really helpful...
To all who have helped me, shared with me etc thanku!
I shall return ;) hehehe

Rollercoaster time....

2008-11-03T00:18:00.000-08:00

So, hello to all my readers, or lack there of... i know i write these blogs for me, but it is nice to have some feeback or know that people are interested in reading them. Im just feeling like iam on a rollercoaster lately, my emotions, food habits and mind are all over the place and im feeling quite lost and desperate.... i drove 15mins today to get maccas cause i felt low and didn't really care, but the whole way there i was arguing with myself in my head saying don't do it, u don't need it or want it, but i got it and ate it and continued to feel even worse after...im at my wits end and am wondering if iam going to be a good match with my band when i eventually get it, whether i can work with it or am i going to keep fucking it up!!!??? Im starting to feel im a very weak person...in my decision making,determination and will power anyway.
So iv also had good intentions of going to the gym but haven't got there as yet, but im going to make a real effort to get there next week, iv gotta do it!
Got something to look forward to atleast with the ghost tour coming up... should be a fun, spooky and interesting night...
I need a reading ASAP, might get Biddies mate john to do one for me soon, or organise a reading party...might give me some guidance. I think i also need some healing done, got alot of old issues from the past lingering around me and need to let them go to move forward.
Got a wedding friday and got my lovely dress to wear, so hoping i feel really good in it when i wear it...nice to find clothes that u feel good in, makes a difference...
So thats all i have to say really, just venting the thoughts in my head, sometimes it helps!

Thinking thinking thinking...

2008-10-30T05:39:00.000-07:00

So... iv had a pretty normal day... cooked tea and cleaned the house before i went to work, damn i spoil my man lol...but he's worth it!
Got my friends funeral tomorrow, going to pay my respects then go to work straight after, i did have the day off, but now i have to work, funeral at 12, i start work at 1, so if im a tad late they will just have to deal with it. I have noticed though, that since sandy passed i have been eating heaps more, obviously emotional, but finding it really hard to stop myself, to say the least...it weird, like u know u shouldn't be eating it but u still do, its like a boxing match in ur own head!!! Quite draining, and frustrating.
Am going to do a ghost tour with my girl Biddy soon, and i can't wait, have wanted to do one for ages, and the fact that iam intuitive will be interesting to see how i react to the experience... want to do the sleep over there soon too, freaky lol.
Also its Halloween tomorrow, for those of u that live in a cave and don't know, im soooo stoked, i love Halloween, not so much the trick or treat thing but the past behind it and the fact that it is an eerie night ;) LET THE WITCHING HOUR BEGIN!!!
Oh and iam going to a info seminar/support group for pre and post banded peeps, should be fun and informative... Im going to make an appointment too to see the Doc that i will be getting banded with, just to get an idea of when i can actually get in to do it once iam approved and see what he thinks i should be doing in the meantime til i can be covered by my Health Fund!!! Just want it now, or better still yesterday....lol im sooo impatient.
So im guessing i should get to bed and get some rest hey....big day tomorrow....

Ohhh What A Night!!!

2008-10-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

Went out with all my mates last night to the club to see the Kami's, they are this mad band from NZ...they rocked it!!! Was soooo awesome to get out with my mates finally, i never get a saturday off so i made quite the effort to enjoy it lol...and lets just say am feeling a little worse for wear today...but well worth it, my mates all work with me and they are such a crazy crew :>
I also got my sexy dress out of layby, am so excited, its the first time in ages i have tried something on and thought damn i look and feel super good in this... will have to learn how to post pics on here to show u all... Also layby'd a cute dress from crossroads which was a bit snug but not by much, a goal for me to reach :) I find its good to set goals..
Im realising that i really need to start making more of an attempt/effort to eat better and exercise...haven't really been doing anything lately and it shows... im avoiding the scales like they are the plague lol... but getting back on track ASAP!
A good friend of mine passed away yesterday,walked into the club(my work) and seen the notice, was sad, but she had been sooo sick with cancer so it was kind of a relief and blessing really, hope that doesn't sound terrible but it was...she was such a beautiful, strong, wacky woman, so we requested brown eyed girl and everyone got up and danced and laughed for her and thats exactly what she would have wanted :) Love you Sandy, i will miss you so much!!! xoxox know u will be around us all, watching what we do and smiling at us with that big cheeky smile of yours...
So for the moment thats all i can think of, due to my impaired brain function lol... I just know that i really need to pick myself up and push on with my lifestyle changes because iam lagging, and not feeling motivated, but i gotta do something!!! NOW!!!!
Bye for now....

HANGOVER BE GONE :p

hmm...frustrating

2008-10-21T18:18:00.000-07:00

So why is it when u feel like u are getting somewhere it all comes crashing down on u?! Well im meant to be finishing my Course on thurs, and just finished a assignment, then yesterday at college they spring it on us that we have another 2 assignments to do, i said to my teacher why are u giving them to us now, did someone forget to give it to us earlier and she said yes, so now i have to do 2big assignments and post it back after the course finishes...mind u its due on the 4th of nov, so gunna be hard to get them done! And they also told me cause i missed 2days sick last week i now have to make them up mon tues, or i will have to wait til next year....SHIT!!! what about the other people who have missed weeks and haven't made it up!??? Meh...im over it!
And im sick today so am waiting for work to get back to me and let me know if they have covered my shift.... i just feel a bit low and like im flaling... but it will all pass.
So not alot is going on really apart from workin, study, trying to have a social life lol...
Iv started using my crystals, am loving it, used me green Howlite the other night to help me sleep and recall dreams, and find its actually working, i really believe crystals are a helpful and thereputic way to heal and to gain clarity....anyone else had any experiences with crystals? Im trying to get back in touch with my spiritual side,iv lost it along the way...
Going to start walking with Biddy soon, for support and a push, if this damn rain would stop, though i love it, its not good for encouraging enthusiasm,lol...
Ohh got girls day out with work on tues, and now im not sure if i can make it cause of the course days i have to make up, grrrr, and was so looking forward to going out and getting on it with the girls and letting loose,hehehe at the clubs expense hahaha....
As for my eating habits well lets just say they have gone on the back burner, as im emotionally consuming food,eeek, again... but trying not to dwell on it and just make improvements....will keep u all posted.
So things are looking like going backwards for the next few weeks but hey, im strong and i can take it on lol.... i hope...

thats all from To Be Me....eventually

Lookin Fly ;)

2008-10-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

Well well well,
iv had a great day, went and got waxed, tinted and pampered, feel great....Then went to Westfield with my man for late night shopping, lay-by'd the cutest dresses....Am sooo STOKED, i got one that is super fly hahahaha...and my man actually gave me a big grin and said he loved one, which is a big surprise, u know how men can be when we take them shopping lol. And i felt sooo good in them both...will post pics when i get them out of lay-by....but damn they make big gals clothes soooo expensive, i mean seriously there isnt that much extra fabric, they just know we can't find much Nice stuff so we will fork out the money....i spent $380 on 3 items,eeek, but i deserve it. :> OMG i nearly forgot, i actually bought, wait for it....a pair of.....SWIMMERS!!!! Shock horror....the top was so cute and colourful and young,not like the old granny swimmers that are around, and i just need some boardies now... funny how i went from sooo scared of swimming in public, to buying a pair lol strange...still nervous of swimming infront of people other then my man and family, but i thought ohhh well, shouldn't let my size hold me back anymore....and im going tot try not to let it!
If i ever win lotto look out i will open the hottest shop and make it affordable and super stylish and sexy!
My man and i then went to lonestar for dinner, was nice to finally have some time together, and talk, laugh and be silly, i had a small carafe of wine with tea and it was yummy... hehe... i sound like a pisshead... my man also had some words to say about me getting banded, when i was going nuts buying clothes, he said that i shouldn't but too much caise in a few months i will be banded and shrinking rapidly lol... he also said that he is happy for me if i go ahead with it but he is nervous and wants to know more info about it, which i thought was really sweet, he is so supportive, and i will take hime to my first pre op consultation so he can find out more and ask any questions he may have :)I love him soooo much, am really lucky.
So i have been trying to have more of a positive attitude and it seems to be working... and goes to show that positive thoughts create positive things....
I really think things are starting to look up for me,finally! Look out world, im on my way To Be Me!!! :> :)

words of wisdom...

2008-10-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

"Don't dream of what you want to be, be what you've always dreamed."- Annemarie Failla
I found this quote and loved it, thought it applied to me, or anyone with a dream....and with the journey i'am on i really related to it!
So iv had a good start to the week so far, nothing bad has happened and i'am back on track with my healthy eating regime... I finished my assignment for college, hope i do well in it...and soon i will have finished my course, yay, no more study.... :)
As for work, i have another busy week, and no weekend to myself.... my partner and i are getting along so much better, because i finally opened up and realised i need to let go of my hang ups....it will take time, but it will happen. Thankgod i have such a supportive man in my life, who is my lover and best friend...
Im going to get measured up for work shirts tomorrow, seen as though they dont stock anything larger then an 18 at my work and there are atleast4 gals who are over that size....
We are going to Jamberoo for a girls day out next week and well, im a tad nervous, to say the least, wasn't even going to go, i don't swim around people at all, especially socially, i actually haven't swam in years, and everyone was pressuring me at work to go and swim, im now trying to find a swimmers top and boardies, and will see how i feel on the day.... doubt i will go on any slides... This is why i need the band soooo bad, im sick of watching life and not participating in activities that deep down i would love to do... but have to make excuses or lie to cover up the real reason why...im embarassed, ashamed and so much more...
So thats it for now.... am having a mental block...

too much going on!!!

2008-10-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

well well well...What a night!!! so after doing a 9hr shift last night and seeing someone get glassed in the eye, i got home after 1am to find my bro,mum and partner having a D&M, and i got a bombshell dropped, and iam sooo mad, and not sure what to do with my emotions.... some people are so selfish, and iam referring to my so called sis in law, she is the most selfish, cruel, manipulative, hypocritical person iv ever known... so anyways was up til 5am trying to talk to my bro and help him through his hard time and then woke up feeling ohh so emotionally drained today.... Iam feeling down, and also inadequate...
My partner has copped it this morning, and for some reason all my insecurities are coming out! I feel like because of my weight gain iam really unattractive, and wondering why he is with me, really negative and not good i know, but i can't seem to pull myself out of it. Im also worried that he will find someone else, though deep down i know thats not true! Our intimacy is non existent at the moment, mainly because of work patterns, life and me feeling insecure.... i just feel like iam pushing him away...
So iv had my little vent, i think thank fuck for blogs at times like these, because the irrational thoughts in my head are better put to paper(so to speak) then blurted out.... i do feel a little better now. thanks everyone for listening lol.
On the other hand had a great day with Bridgy on Thursday, went to Yum Cha, which was yummy, then shopping and found some nice summer clothes and watched bridgy buy a hot new dress and killer shoes, was stoked for her, she looked great!
So i think i really need a reading, some guidance or something... well I'm going to take this face mask off before it hardens too much... okie dokie.... bye for now...

what the future holds...

2008-10-07T04:54:00.000-07:00

So things are starting to happen in my life...like the job offers, feeling postive about myself and food, planning to save for a house and start a family in the next 2yrs...all going to plan, hopefully.
Am starting to realise i need to get my PCOS under control and my weight in order for the family to come and even for me to feel like i could walk down the aisle when and if my man proposes... i don't want to even consider getting married at my current size! Couldn't bear to look back at the pics and be unhappy with myself....
I was kinda having doubts about the band, i guess just over thinking and freaking myself out a bit, with the what ifs etc...but think i'am just a bit scared...but spoke to a good mate and she calmed my nerves :) Its a huge decision but kinda an easy on because i know if i don't get help i will end up dead or wanting to be dead! Im ready to start living, might ring Dr Munro and see when he thinks i should have a consultation... only 9ish months til i can get my health insurance to cover it....bring it on... but in the mean time i want to keep being mindful of what i eat and keeping active and try to lose a little b4 i get my "Pammy"...
Ohh i found the cutest dress online for a wedding and the races but not sure if it will get here in time.... stressed lol.. does anyone know of any sites that sell young sexy modern clothes, have googled and looked at like 30 sites... maybe someone in the US knows some nice sites the big women over there always seem to dress sexy and hip...??? would really appreciate some help...
Im going to weigh myself tomorrow, the first time in 2weeks, we will see what appears, but am not going to obsess over the figure though, my clothes feel looser so that is a good sign...
Well to all my fellow bloggers, keep smiling and keep following my journey! :)

ahhh the Coast...

2008-10-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

Well had an interesting night last night when my man and i went for our walk. In the street next to us we heard a car horn going off and seen flames, we ran, yes ran around the corner to find a car fully on fire, we rang the fire brigade, and watched it til they got there, was crazy how quickly it went up and then the tank boomed, scared the shit out of me! lol. I reckon someone had an insurance claim, or it was stolen, had QLD number plates on it,hmmmm strange... It was about the most exciting thing that has happened on the coast in ages lol, sad.
We went for a hour walk and my poor puppy was exhausted lol, but i felt quite good after it, and have been eating healthy so time to up my water intake...
I opened my email today to find that the Mine job i applied for months ago have sent me an email saying that they are really interested in me, another job offer, they are rolling in, but im a bit unsure if it is a scam as they want me to buy a $91 info pack of the jobs they have positions for and then they said they would contact me further, it just seems a little odd you have to pay for things before you even have the job? Any ideas??? Im just really needing to bring in some extra money to get my car loan down and thought this would be good, its $1200 a week, just for doing bar work...
So apart from that not much else is happening...sadly...im bored but going to go for a walk to coles to get some stuff for tea...
Ciao...

Feeling Inspired Again

2008-09-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

I was watching Oprah this morning and happened to see some stories of peoples weightloss transormations, was sooooo inspiring and they did it by themselves, on lady lost 4oo pounds, thats insane! and she did it by slowly cutting down her food intake, slowly doing little bits of excercise and listening to her body, i know i know it all sounds like common sense, and i have been there before but i think maybe i tried to jump into it head first and too quickly, so im going to try her approach and take baby steps and see where it gets me...its worth a try and maybe i will not sabotage myself, like i always do... Its just another avenue im prepared to take, and it might be a better option then the band... its such a big decision to make!
My partner is so motivated to do this as well, he went for a walk on his own last night cause i had to work back and is not drinking grog during the week anymore... he pushes, encourages me and always makes me feel like i can do whatever i put my mind to, now i just have to try to do that too. We are going walking tonight and iam kinda looking forward to it, no more excuses not to go walking or move, i have to, not only for my weightloss but for my general health and my puppy dogs,lol as they haven't been walked in such a long time and they deserve to be.
Had a bowl of Just Right with lite milk for brekky.
Am going to have a small bowl of Cicken and rice for lunch or maybe some crackers and tuna, a piece of fruit and or a yoghurt...And drink more water, drink more water, drink more water.
Am hoping to really do something for myself this time.
I also noticed yesterday that when i got upset about something, i went straight for a choccy, and i realised it and almost stopped myself, but gave in, but its a good sign that i finally realised what i was doing, which has never happened before...so perhaps a start in the right direction!?
Well iv had my little splurge of words and let u all know where im at at the moment.
Until next time.....

its all happening...

2008-09-28T23:30:00.000-07:00

Alot has been happening since i last blogged, hence the lack of blogging,lol. Well im almost finished my prac and i have been offered 2 jobs one CAS and one PT looking after a quad locally and iam stoked its a great opportunity, will give me more experience and confidence to do what i love. and i get every 2nd weekend off,yay!!!
Was my mum's Birthday yesterday, took her out for a nice Cafe brekky and got her a 2hr massage,facial,mani and pedi etc, she deserves it. and then had a bbq with the family in the arvo, was a goo day.
Looks like my nan isn't coming home from the nursing home either, all because my pop has money and can't bear to part with it to get the house reno's that nan needs done to get home. She is hating us all for it too, and keeps saying we don't love her and we are putting her in an early grave, it breaks my heart seeing her in there and the care she is getting is so shitty! So the best we can do is try to find her somewhere nicer to stay and keep going to see her everday and trying to keep her spirits up...old age is so sad because u know we all have to get there and u wonder who will look after you and come to see you.
My partner and i have also decided to start walking together and eating more healthily,we need to, and it will give us both more encouragment to do it if we do it together. I have had heartburn for 3days and i dont know why...its driving me insane!
I haven't weighed myself for a week and a half now, am doing good, stopping the obsession thing lol. And have noticed im alot happier not weighing myself everyday.
Am planning to go to Bali next year also, sooo excited, i love Bali, and the people, i could so live there and be happy.
I actually got to go out on friday, it was great to let loose for the night and have a few drinks and dances with friends, i never get to do it, had a ball but payed for it the next day, but was worth it.
So thats been my week, rather eventful and full on but good.
Now im off to do my assignment....like a good girl....

and it's gone again!

2008-09-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

I have had a turbulent week, between family drama's that never seem to end, work, study and fighting my own battles in my head i am drained, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I slipped alot with my healthy eating and undid all the good work i had put in! I seem to have lost all the positive vibes and self encouragment that i had not so long ago. And i'am trying really hard to stop beating myself up, i just feel like i defeat myself all the time, with my emotional eating and i know that i have to get it under control before i get banded or it will be pointless! ARRRRGH FRUSTRATION!!!
But am trying to not be to down on myself, trying. I just am back at the stage where i feel nothing looks good on me and i feel uncomfy around people, at times. I just keep saying snap out of it Nik!!!
On the other hand i finally got some material to make some work shirts, yay, now i can can get some made that actually fit.
Nearly finished my assignment for college,and am back doing prac again for 3days at the nursing home, am still loving it.
Iv been looking online for wedding venues, just for curiousity and fun and there are some gorgeous places around that are reasonable in price and i think i have found the dress that i love! We will see, though i should probably wait for the ring lol...
Well im off to clean up and go see my nanna..
And try to keep positive!!! Think happy thoughts...

trying new things....

2008-09-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

Well today i went back to the Nursing home to do my prac, and met some more gorgeous residents, had a good day this time actually got to do more, fed them, made beds, used a stand aid lifter and helped out in general. Apparently next week i will be showering, dressing etc all on my own, excited but kinda scared, just nervous about hurting someone or doing something wrong,and haven't had much practice, plus im going to be assessed as i do it, eeek! But overall a good day, and i got an early mark. Have to make up a few days i missed whilst on holidays and when my ankle was sore...but should be able to catch up...
On the way home i stopped in at a Scrapbooking store to check out what it was about and am thinking of doing a course there to learn how to do it, it is such a great way of preserving memories and pics, and i was amazed at what u can do with it, so many designs etc and u r only limited by ur imagination... so will post pics of my first page i scrapbook.
Also the last 2days i have been a good girl, really watching what i eat and drinking 1-2litres a day, am quite proud of myself, think things r going to look up from here on in. Its amazing what a positive mind set can do! :)
Well im off to the nursing home to visit my nan and show her me in my nursing uniform, shes been wanting to see it lol so cute.
Have an AWESOME day everyone!

feeling liberated...

2008-09-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

Well today i woke up feeling liberated and oddly positive...strange for me. Iv decided to not weigh myself til October 31st...halloween hehehe, just to give myself a break from the love hate relationship i have going on with my scales...am going to knuckle down and drink plenty of water, start walking again now my ankle is better and watching my food intake, cut down portion sizes, sugars and fats and just try to love me more and treat my body with RESPECT!!!
Am just hoping to be more AWARE of what i'am doing to myself and more importantly for myself...
So thats what i'am thinking at the moment.
Im also going to try to stop thinking and worrying what people think of me, i do that way too much! And in the end what really matters is what I think of ME,because i'am going to be with myself for a long time,lol... My partner continues to make me feel so special and loved, he is always telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful i'am, i just need to start believing him and feeling it and i know with time i will believe that, as i feel better in myself.
I have been reading heaps of stories on other peoples journey with their band and am finding out that alot of people are simply relying on the band to do all the work for them, still eating junk food and wondering why they aren't losing...it just goes to show that it is a bit of a mind over matter situation and that u have to work on your mind as you lose the weight and work with the band not against it...its great that there are so many forums out there for people to swap and share stories, tips and even recipes (for the mushie stage etc) with each other.
I have also decided that once i'am banded my bands name will be Pammy, ie: Pamela Anderson lol...thought i should give her a name and it was quite fitting i thought. ;)
Well im going to put some music on and dance around the house while i clean,lol,burn some energy and fat...
Good morning, Good afternoon and Good night all ;>,

What A GREAT Day! :)

2008-09-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

Hi all... Iv had an awesome day today, i finally met up with Miss Skinny Biddy and had a great time,thanks chicky! We also met up with some other gals from the PCOS forum, talking,laughing and sharing stories and our hopes with the band. Was so awesome to meet other women who are going through similar situations to me.
And to Miss Skinny Biddy, it was so great to finally meet you and hang out together, we got on like a house on fire and you inspire me soooo much and always offer me advice and many kind words, i relate to you so much on many levels... U ROCK! :) By the way ur new pics blew me away, u look so different and are continuing to transform yourself , So proud! :)
So i babysat after my fun day out and then had the family come over for tea, was good, and i did try not to overindulge, but i had some ice cream for dessert, but only a little. I'am starting to realise that the less i stress about what i eat and the less i put myself through the cycle of Guilt the easier it will be to make healthier sensible food choices..and iam going to really try to do that from now on. NO more negative self loathing or criticising ME...Iam a beautiful person and i DESERVE beautiful things. @-->--
Ohh and iam going to go go for a trial at the gym with Biddy in the next week, wanting to join so bad but its a matter of money, so hoping i can afford it, really want to get back into working out, once i get into it i love it, i leave the gym feeling so invigorated and its going to be so much more fun and inspiring to have a gym buddy to go with...GIRL POWER!!! hehehe
So only another month of study and prac left til i'am a fully qualified AIN and can work in Age Care etc, and i can't wait for the study to end and the hands on to begin, i'am really loving looking after the oldies, they are so sweet and wise and have so much that i can learn from them, i love hearing their stories...Its so rewarding to see them happy and smiling and knowing i have had something to do with that. And i just hope that when i get older that i will have someone to do the same for me.
Well im off to bed in a minute so i can get up at 4am to watch the MotoGP with my man,lol,i promised! Night Night all...

Im back!!!

2008-09-09T18:10:00.001-07:00

Well, its been a while since iv blogged, but im back from my holiday and i had a blast...the wedding on Bribie was beautiful and my dress looked lovely...Hows this for freaky, my partner and i both caught the Garter and Bouquet, so i think that is a sign,i hope lol. And had my first dance with my man in the year and a half we have been together, was sooo sweet and special to me.
Ankle held up ok, am going back to the doc today for an xray to make sure things are ok...fingers crossed.
So being a casual iv got no shifts this week as yet, so am going to have to tighten the perstrings for the next couple of weeks, but it was worth it. Its so nice to get away but always great to be home, i missed my babies (my animals) thy were all so excited to see me, its nice to be missed lol.
I was going to jump on the scales and see what i had done on my holiday but decided against it, think i should just focus on getting back into eating healthy...Am a tad worried that the weight i have put on in the past few months has messed up my body internally alot, i haven't had my period for going on 3months if they don't come this week, am going to ask the doc about it today, have done a pregnancy test and im not pregnant so am wondering if it has something to do with my PCOS!? I haven't had this happen since i was 16!
I soo want this band done ASAP...i know it is my last resort and my light at the end of the tunnel, so hurry up july 09!
Thanku to everyone Especially Skinny Biddy for all ur comments, support and advice throughout my journey. Its really helping me and encouraging me to hold on.
Damn it feels good to blog again :)

The BEST Day!!!

2008-09-03T03:07:00.001-07:00

I have had the BEST day! Today i got my partners surprise for me...he hired a Harley for 24hours to take me for a ride, knowing how much i love them..i was so stoked, well i still am... we just followed the road to wherever it took us, and ended up in some little town, at a pub havin a beer n lunch, then kept riding til the weather turned shit and decided to rain on us. We would've had longer on the bike, but had to go to one of those timeshare seminars so we could get the accommodation cheaper...damn they were sooo pushy!!! But anyways had an all round good day. We just went for a quick night ride while the rain had eased, was mad seeing Surfers all lit up...very pretty!
Dreamworld was a bit of a non event though...As i expected the only ride i could go on was the water rapids, the other rides harnesses were too small or some shit, was quite frustrating...its like they think fat people don't want or don't deserve to go on rides...Bastards! But that will be my reward after i reach my goal weight...to spend a few days at the theme parks going on all the rides!!!
Seen a pic of myself and damn i knew i had gotten big but it was a shock as to how big....I HAVE to do something!
Has anyone heard of or tried accupuncture and/or chinese herbs for weight loss? If so did it work?
Off to Bribie tomorrow am looking forward to seeing it and seeing my friends get married... Iam still waiting for my "Ring" though lol... one day!
Well im off to have a shower and relax...Cause im on holidays and thats what im going to do ;),

I've Arrived! :)

2008-08-31T05:42:00.000-07:00

Well Peoples, i made it to QLD ( well Byron Bay actually ) yesterday,twas a 9hour drive, but i really enjoyed it...beautiful scenery, and nice to have a long trip with my man...I even got to see the "Big Banana" though i was expecting bigger lol, the highlight of my trip so far hehehe! We stayed at a 'little' cabin last night (literally), it was like being in a sardine tin...and soo old, i like rustic, but this was just rusty! lol
We are now in beautiful Kirra for the next 3days, apartment is awesome...sooo big and tomorrow we r going to Dreamworld....Just hoping i can go on the rides!!! But am excited! Then go to the concert on Tues night then my surprise from my man Wed yay, can't wait!
Am so stoked to be away on hols, and looking forward to the wedding on saturday, iam now the official "Driver" for the groom/groomsmen...get to show off my hot car...Marilyn is her name! hehe...
As for the eating habits, have tried to be good, but drinking a bit and had Homer Hudson last night, so yum...but will keep trying to be good. And my damn ankle is still up like a balloon, its pissing me off, want to walk around the town and see things but its still so damn sore, grrrr...trying to keep it elevated and rubbing paw paw ointment into it to try to bring out the bruising, fingers crossed! Is it normal for a sprain to still be swollen 3days later??? Any ideas on how to help it?
Thanku for the comments, keep em coming.
Anyways im off to drink my Bundy,hehe, ciao for now :)

Crappy Start...

2008-08-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

Well today started off ok until i sprained my ankle, damn dogs left one of those king size bones right infront of the laundry door, and i didn't see it, ankle went left, i went right! Thought i had broke it, but 3hours later ant the ER and its just a bad sprain.... I have great timing with my trip to QLD on saturday, sooo hope it gets better, and i had to give up an 8hour shift at work, my poor supervisor heard me crying and it takes a bit to make me cry.
I just had to vent my pain and frustration, but i just took 3neurofen so hopefully it will ease soon. So enough of me whinging... but im home alone and had no one to talk to... not that anyone reads these anyway... And if u do people would u leave me some comments, its depressing seeing Zero comments everytime i log on :(

Not Long....

2008-08-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

Good morning all...I decided to drag my butt out of bed early to try to get an early start on my packing for QLD before i have to work, got called in at 6.50am for an early start...damn work, need the $ but really didn't want to go in, but more $ for QLD i guess.
So i have got the longest list of things to pack, i love lists lol... hoping i don't forget anything...I now can't pick which dress i want to wear to the Wedding now, lol, so indecisive. And to be honest a tad nervous about the theme parks, and the rides, will i be able to go on many because of my size...they should make the harness' bigger for EVERYONE! So hope i can go on some, especially lethal weapon. I cannot wait for the day that i don't have to worry about that sort of thing, bring on my Band!!!
I had a similar experience to Skinny Biddy last night at work, i can be a bit of a push over and often bite my tingue to avoid conflict, but had some idiot customers who were giving me grief and getting agressive, so i cut them off and asked them to leave, then one lit what i thought was a smoke right infront of me inside the club, and blew it in my face, i told him to put it out or i would get security, he kept smoking and then i realised it was a joint, i called security and then he got thrown out along with his buddy... my boss said i shouldv called him sooner and went off, i tols him that if security was around like they should be this wouldn't have escalated in the first place...he had nothing more to say and i felt empowered!!! Finally i grew some balls lol... No more letting people walk over me! Nuhuh! :)
So to all u women out there don't take any Shit off people, especially men!
Well im off now, need a coffee...

Very Interesting...

2008-08-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

Well what an interesting morning iv had... My Bf rang me to ask me what i had planned for our teip to QLD, he is planning something, as am i, hehe sneaky sneaky...iv bought tickets to see Disturbed (one of the greatest Metal bands) in Brissy while we r up there, its his fav band and he has no idea ;) Cant wait to see his face when he see's them, I bought the tix and told him they were sold out lol....And apparently he has a whole day planned for me... i love surprises. So will keep u all posted.
Boy did i get another pleasant surprise this morning, jumped on the scales just on a whim and to my surprise they say i was 132.7kg and i haven't even really been trying, am pretty happy, maybe my new positive attitude is taking affect lol... YAY!!! :)
Started my day off with a coffee and a bowl of porridge with fruit, so far so good... am going out for tea tonight so have to see if i can be a good girl. So on my day off it's house work, study, and not much else...Great! But someone has to do it. Iv been thinking about my relationship, i'am sooo happy, i have found such an amazing guy... And i never thought i would. he has been my rock through everything and he always believes in me and makes me feel so special...i know what people mean when they say when u find the one u will know...well i know.
Hmm so what else is new, not much...Just keeping busy...

What A Day!!!

2008-08-24T03:13:00.000-07:00

Hi all! Well what a day iv had... just got home from a 10.5 hour shift at work, great $ but damn shitty organisation on managements behalf! Am sooooo tired. Its so frustrating sometimes, but on the bright side made $25 in tips :) Might hit my man up for a foot rub, hehe.
I was doing better today, eating healthy and drinking plenty of water, that was until i finished work and grabbed a twix choccy...my weakness... but not going to beat myself up, just back in the saddle again tomorrow and back on track. Just needed a sudar hit,lol.
Only 6days til QLD, bring it on i say! Iv got soo much college work to do, 2 assignments at once oh joy, but i'll get stuck into them tomorrow. Day off, sleep in woohoo.
Have heard about my friends room mate who has been having accupuncture and chinese herbs and has lost 56kgs in a year...im going to look into it, might be a less invasive alternative then the Band, will see. Am starting to feel hopeful for a change and seeing that i have options out there and that iam not the only one going through this...im not alone, though i feel that way sometimes!
Well im off for a hot shower and hopefully a foot rub ;>
Bye for now....

Take two... :)

2008-08-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

So the time has come for yet another blog....im quite liking this blogging stuff...it really is a big help to write down what u r thinking, feeling, wanting, hoping etc...
Well iv now decided that i will try to firstly deal with my emotions and the reason behind y i eat when im feeling emotional before next year when i can get the band... i think that would be the sensible thing to do, because the band will be my tool and i don't want to spend all that money and time getting it if im not going to do the work and meet it half way, with my eating habits how they r now i would only end up sabotaging myself in the end otherwise. So yes, thats my plan!
Iv had a great day today, feeling really positive and quite happy with myself. :) I picked up my dress from the dressmaker today, it looks great! Im going to a real 'posho' wedding next weekend in QLD and wanted to look hot...so i feel i look pretty hot,lol well i think i look nice anyways, will post some pics soon. I so can't wait to get away, think it will do me the world of good!
So iv also planned to start eating better, not dieting, but just watching what i put in my mouth instead of mindlessly consuming things... its worth a try.
Iv started looking at the big picture of what i want and hope to achieve and i think that that will give me more enthusiasm and drive to get what i want out of me and my life....and down the track the Band.
Hi ho hi ho its off to work i go....damn shitty 3hour shift, i soooo couldn't be fucked goin, but u get that...
Back again soon...

My Journey To Finding ME!!!

2008-08-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

Well well im here, finally, a place where i can vent and share my journey with people on the same path as me and those who have been down this path and r NOW living the life they always dreamed...
Its taken me 23years to decide that enough is enough, i need help, i need to change the path im on before i head over a cliff! And more importantly i WANT to Change! Im not sure if its self destructive or self medicating, or maybe both, but food and i have always had a love HATE relationship... For as long as i can remember i have been overweight, suffering within myself and my own image of me and who iam...i have never had a good self image or thought others perceived me as anything more then the Fat Girl! Iv had total strangers shout things out of there cars like Fatso, Heffer,Lose some weight, and people have even asked me if i was pregnant... all of these broke my heart and drove me deeper into my dark hole, where food was my friend and my comforter, and would not judge me.
I can HONESTLY say i have tried EVERY type of diet from Pills,Shakes,Low Carb,No Carb,Low Fat,High Protein,Detox,Juice Diets,Soup Diets,WW,Jenny Craig, Lite n Easy,Hypnosis, to more extreme measures like not eating at all(which didn't last long lol) and throwing up what i did eat(stupid i know),i could go on....all with little or no effect, especially long term...im sure alot of u can relate!
Finally i found out about Gastric Banding whilst watching ACA on tv, and began researching it, i then went to the seminar with Dr Munro and was feeling quite hopeful,like maybe,finally,there was a light at the end of the tunnel.... I went home and the next day i rang NIB and told them i wanted to have the surgery,so excited, and making sure i was covered and can u believe it, because it had dropped my cover earlier that month i was told that they would NOT cover me,even though i just went back on the higher cover again. Just because i missed out on the "cooling off period" by 6days, 6 damn days, and instead of only waiting 2months for the band i will now have to wait 12months!!!!!!! I could have cried, my lifeline felt as though it had been severed... I appealed it and even though i had been a loyal client for 5years and payed them a shitload of money, that didn't seem to matter, i got a nice message on my answering machine the next day...'ur claim has been REJECTED"!!! So 12months wait it is.
Having PCOS/insuline resistance, aswell is also a HUGE reason i want this surgery, as i want a happier, healthier me, and i also want a family in the next few years and want to be able to be energetic and playful with my kids and confident in myself...
My mum and partner have been so super supportive of me and my decision to get Banded, my partner thinks i don't need it and loves me regardless of size, but understands why i need and want this for ME! I love them both so much and wouldn't be able to do it without their love and support! I have decided to keep it quiet til iv had the surgery as for me this is a very personal journey i HAVE to take and then if people ask questions after, i will gladly tell them.
I have met a great gal who has become an awesome source of support and friendship in the short time we have known each other," Miss Skinny Biddy" thanks girl, u have been very informative and a good mate! :) And a huge inspiration!!!
And for the first time in sooo long i can smile and know that iam on my way to a new, happier, healthier me and a new Fun, Fulfilling, and Beautiful life....
Let the Journey begin...

Im Ready To Come Out Of My Cacoon!!!

OVERWHELMED :S

Lots to tell....

WOW! :)

Come on!!!

Ho Ho Ho....

Movin on up....

Awakening...

HAPPY BAND DAY TO ME (& PAMMY) :)

Confronting...

self sabotage :s

YIPEEEEEE!!!!! :)

.....Time.....

Dreaming.....

Big Breaths!!!

FUCK IT!!!

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

Focus....Focus...hehehe

grin and bear it....

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

Driven.....

Up and Down...

I Did it!!! hehehe

Content....

FREEDOM!!!!

ONE WEEK!!!!

Realisations.......

DAY 5.....

Rough Night...

Easy does it....

"Pammy" and i are home!!!

Blink & u will miss it....

Come on Tuesday!!!

What a week!!!!

It's like Christmas....

28 Days & Counting!!!!

Time flies.....

ITS A DATE!!!!

Transition....

Today Is The Day! :>

*SLAP*

Mind games....

Its The Final Countdown....

What A Week!!!

WE GOT IT!!!!

What a let down!!!

Fingers, toes, EVERYTHING crossed

Whats goin on people????

YAY 2009!!!!

So Up & Down...

HO HO F**King Ho

fingers crossed!

On Cloud 9...Im ENGAGED!!! :>

The possibilities.... :)

Changes all round....

Spooky..........

So Sick Of Being Sick!!!

Rollercoaster time....

Thinking thinking thinking...

Ohhh What A Night!!!

hmm...frustrating

Lookin Fly ;)

words of wisdom...

too much going on!!!

what the future holds...

ahhh the Coast...

Feeling Inspired Again

its all happening...

and it's gone again!

trying new things....

feeling liberated...

What A GREAT Day! :)

Im back!!!

The BEST Day!!!

I've Arrived! :)

Crappy Start...

Not Long....

Very Interesting...

What A Day!!!

Take two... :)

SLAP