OVERWHELMED :S

I haven't blogged in so long, life has had me trapped.... So much going on that i feel at my wits end....
Broke up with my Fiance, Had a Dry Socket (sooo painful) & my Brother passed away suddenly 3weeks ago and im feeling as if things aren'y going to get better anytime soon...Im trying to keep positive but it's really getting hard. Just wishing everything and everyone would back off and give me a breather!
Not to mention trying to settle the house, which is stressful in itself... Keep telling myself just BREATHE!!!!
As for my weight loss, it's going great, well thats about the onlty thing in my life that is at the moment... Im down 45 Kilos to date & I want to lose another 15-18 Kilos then i think thats it... Im feeling alot less lethargic and more motivated & starting to look into Tummy tucks, etc now to fix all the damage iv done to my body over the years...
Its quite frustrating to feel & see all the loose skin especially on my tummy & thighs, moving around, chaffing, and just getting in the way of my New more active lifestyle!
Have found my saviour in the Trinny & Susannah Undies that help flatten and hold all the skin in place...especially when i want to wear nice fitted clothes to show off my new shape.
Another thing iv noticed thats even HARDER then losing the weight is training my MIND & learning to see myself & my body in a different way, stopping the negative self loathing thoughts & trying to look past ALL the skin...The weight has gone but the insecurities still remain! That sux! But after 25 years in the making it will take time i guess.
Thats one thing iv noticed is that the After Care ( emotional & mental side) of Lap Banding is lacking, well atleast around here... Im seriously considering forming a local support group to share experiences, tips, clothes, recipes, and maybe outings... I think its vital to address both the Physical & emotional aspects of weight loss!
Off to see Metallica on Saturday, can't wait... Then fly to Melbourne a week later to see them again :) Thank god, i need a holiday sooo bad, its only 3days but it will be great!!!!
Well im glad iv shared the latest with you all & hope people are still enjoying following my Blog, please leave me some comments, as i LOVE reading them :)
Be safe & Well

Lots to tell....

What an emotional time I’ve had lately, filled with trials and tribulations, failures and successes, heartbreak and tears… But I’m starting to see a tiny light flickering at the end of this dark and lonely tunnel-….
Some of you may have noticed that I DID IT!!! I’m officially in double figures, finally, YAY!!! That was a huge hurdle for me and I’m sooo happy and proud that I have finally got there. More mini goals to be set now…I find it helps having small goals to work towards and rewards for yourself.
I’m now newly single (long and personal story) and though it’s been a very rough start to the year, I have learnt a lot more about myself and what I want and DON’T want in my life… Having to get used to living back at my mum’s though lol…Have painted my new/old room and enjoyed doing it and making myself a sanctuary where I love to be. J
I’ve also had some exciting news…Looks like I may be on “What Not to Wear”, with Trinny & Susannah!!!! Will know in the next few days…So excited! It would do me the world of good to have a makeover and learn how to dress my NEW body, instead of covering it up! I’m such a huge fan of the show and love to watch the ladies work their magic every week J will keep you all posted.
Travel is now on the cards for me, Melbourne in November, Thailand in April, and hopefully a lot more in between…I have been bitten by the “Travel Bug” he he…Europe is calling me in the next few years I think.
Still loving shopping now, NEVER thought I would say those words, but it’s a whole new world for me! Even my foot is starting to shrink, well in width atleast. I’m starting to see that if I wear more fitted clothes, it really does make me look smaller, compared to hiding under big baggy tents! NO MORE HIDING! Especially with summer coming, it’s time to shed the layers as well as the kilos!
It’s funny how losing something so important in your life makes you put things in perspective, think about things in a different way and look at things in a different light…Life is definitely all about learning and growing and loving (YOURSELF!) as well as others! The JOURNEY so far has been exciting, trying and full of learning….And it will continue for a long time yet…
Hope everyone in Blogger land is well, happy and enjoying life.
Feel free to drop me a line………

WOW! :)

Well peoples, it has been a while... Is anyone still out there in Blogger Land? LOL.
I got quite a shock/pleasant surprise today, i went to get new work uniforms, as mine are now too big, and the lady had my Pre-Banded measurements :0 OMG!!! Here they are...
THEN- 26/5/09
BUST- 56"
WAIST- 54"
HIPS- 60"
BICEP- 17"

NOW-1/3/10
BUST- 49 3/4"
WAIST- 46.5"
HIPS- 50.5"
BICEP- 14"
Thats a total loss of 26 1/4 inches!!! :) I couldn't believe it when the lady gave them to me was a liberating moment for me...
It's crazy to think i have lost that much in Inches!!! Was so shocked when i actually seen it infront of me... Am feeling very proud of myself :) :) :)
Life has been crazy lately, up and down and round i go....My head is always buzzing with thoughts, sometimes i wish there was an OFF button lol.
Really not much to tell, i have finally cracked the 30kg mark and am excercising alot more, but not regularly enough thoughm but enjoying it when i do, just getting the motivation up to go and do it! Noticing my body changing more with the excercise, im finally seeing i DO have a shape ;), hehe.
Need to work on my eating a little though, have been falling into some old habits of eating when emotionally unstable and not eating the BEST foods, but im aware and back in the saddle again. BE STRONG!
Am also looking at getting a tattoo of the word BELIEVE on my wrist, it means alot to me and it will be a reminder every time i see it, to Believe in myself, my convictions and things that are important to me :)
Not much else to tell, house is going good, bills never end, home life is so so, family going good, etc....
Im officially another year older, and i had such a wonderful birthday, out for dinner, drinks and dancing with my mates, felt really good to go out and feel like i can just BE ME, no one stared, if anything i got so many compliments on how much weight iv lost....And it was a BIG step for me to wear a sleeveless top out in public :) The NEW Nikki is starting to emerge :)
Noticing my man seems to have some trouble adjusting to my new found confidence, i mean he has been supportive but not as much as i thought he would be...I guess its all new for him too though.
Went to ACDC, was sooo AMAZING, those guys still have it :) LET THERE BE ROCK!!! :>
Anywho, will try to upload a new pic of me, if i can work out how lol. ;p
Please leave me comments, i love to read them and see what people think of my blog and my journey :)

Come on!!!

I have not blogged in a long time, partly because i haven't really had much to tell in my Banding world and partly because my personal life has been sooo up and down! Im feeling really low today, just hate my current situation and my job and having NO money all the time and bills keep coming! Its sooo depressing!
I can't keep telling myself everything will be fine, because nothing is changing! I need and want a new job that pays better! Sorry peoples but i gotta get it out.
Let me just say... my weight doesnt seem to be changing too much the past couple of weeks, but my clothes sizes and body have... I put a size on lay-by 14 in City Chic the other week, was in shock... it's funny how every shops sizing is different, some places im a 16, others an 18, and some even a 14 lol... But i felt sooo happy and proud that i have gone from a size 24 to where i'am now :) I seriously cannot remember when i was in a 14-16 last...atleast 10years ago..WOW!!!
Still only had one fill (3.5-4mls) and thought that was odd or not normal, but talkin to a good mate and researching made me realise im quite lucky and if its workin to not stress about how many fills i have etc, it's WORKING!!!
Well im going to go and try to keep my mind busy....Might do some cleaning.
I hope people are still reading my blogs... Photos are coming.

Ho Ho Ho....

Well i will say this straight off, i sooo wasn't in the mood for Chrissy this year, so many losses and family riffs this year that christmas without ALL the family wasn't christmas to me :( Not to mention my man's first christmas without his mum, so was kind of somber...but i tried to get into it a little... But to everyone out there, MERRY CHRISTMAS, hope it was a safe and happy day for all! :)
Have to say that my Mum's face was priceless and made my day, when she seen her present, we got her a gorgeous, choc Lab, she is adorable and made my day to see Mum soooo happy!!! She named her "Bella" because she is so beautiful. And she came all the way from Goulbourn, an 8hour round trip, but well worth it :)

I got the one thing i wanted for Chrissy, a Wii/Wii Fit...its freakin awesome...my man spoiled me, LOL, and i reckon the Wii Fit will really be great for me, its fun, and you can definately feel it. So iv heard that people are cancelling gym memberships because the Wii is so good, so im giving myself 3months of using it atleast 3times a week and see how it goes...combining a mix of aerobics,flexibility, and some yoga for the mind and body...will keep u posted on the Wiisults lol...

So i have set some mini goals, now that things are starting to seem reachable...



MY GOALS:

• Be more active.


• Next 5 kilos lost, go Horseriding


• Be under 100 kilos for my 25th Birthday (19th Feb 2010), 9.7 kilos to lose.


• Do a Harbour Bridge climb, when i get into DOUBLE DIGITS.


• Treat myself to something indulgent and just for me ...(im thinking massage or sexy lingerie ;)


• Sky Dive and do Body Suspension when i get to my goal!

Lots more goals to post but for now thats all i can drum up lol.

Im fast learning that setting small, achievable goals is a great way to stay motivated and reward yourself for al the hard work...Though i must say for me, it's been surprisingly easy so far (touch wood) LOL...I mean, yes, i do have to work with Pammy and stay focused but it doesn't consume me anymore, food, dieting, guilt, all are subsiding and im finally starting to look at myself in a whole new light! :)

My body is finally starting to change and i feel bones i never knew i had hehe...Looking forward to spending my Chrissy money on some much needed new clothes and bra's LOL...

Also noticing how my body is responding to shedding 28.3 kilos, my periods are regulated, my skin is clearing, Dr tested my hormones, liver, insuline etc, everything is now "normal", and i haven't heard that since i can remember, Dr also thinks my PCOS symptoms will be gone in the next 12-18months... :) so that in itself is more then enough reward and reason to have been united with my Pammy :) love you girl LOL... ;p

It's hard to explain what i mean, but it seems since being Banded, my mind has changed along with it, like now i have this "tool" to help me i no longer feel pressured etc, im not really trying too hard and im losing the weight, i stop when im full and i try to eat healthy (most of the time) LOL...I feel like a weight, in the literal and metaphorical sense has been lifted off me....i can breathe, i can be me, i can start to LIVE!!!

Movin on up....

Hello possums! ;), LOL. It has been a while...iv just had so much going on and everytime id start blogging i wouldn't get to finish, so here i'am...final attempt,LOL...

Yesterday was 4months Banded for me, and i have to say it was a rather reflective day indeed! Decided to sort through my wardrobe and clear out what fit and what didn't...To my surprise, there was alot more to keep then i thought :) found a couple of gorgeous satin dresses that id bought and never worn (didn't fit), and was nervous to try them...THEY FIT!!!! Iv FINALLY started to see and realise just how far iv come and how much my body is changing.

Im starting to see why all those "skinny" girls love shopping so much...im looking more and more forward to doing that massive shop at the end of my journey, might be time to invest in a credit card LOL! ;p

Had alot going on in my personal life and lets just say it's been rocky, but im trying to keep positive and push on...Whatever will be will be right!

Four months have really flown by and i received a letter from my Dietician, saying iv probably had 2 or 3 Fills by now, but in my case iv only had 1...And im starting to feel like maybe i should have had more or should be doing more, but my weightloss is still steady and my portions are still good, so im not sure if i need more or not...Suggestions, advice, etc welcome :)

I did make an appointment for December 14 for a Fill, but im not sure if i need it or how much i should have...Im thinking only .5-1 ml??? Im thinking i may wait til the New Year...

The main thing i need to work on is eating more salads, fresh fruit and veg etc and workin more protein into my diet but i think im doing pretty good...Am starting to pay more attention to the foods that fill me up and keep me full and it helps alot...Also MUST UP my WATER intake, iv slacked off! Naughty Nikki!!! *smack*... And excercising more!!!

Have picked out mums puppy for her for Chrissy (shhhh, she doesn't know) LOL...Shes a gorgeous chocolate labrador and is sooo friendly and affectionate and darn adorable...My man and i drove 4hours to pick her out and then are going to drive 2hours to pick her up on the 19th :) And i get to babysit til Christmas day yay!!! :)
Well on that note im off to bed...But im happy to be back and fighting fit. xo

Awakening...

What a turbulent year, especially the last few months! Had a few big discussions with people yesterday, that were long overdue and shed alot of tears and truths yesterday...was a relief but also i still feel in limbo and i hate that! But all in good time, life is all about timing, so im learning.
Food and band wise everything is going pretty smoothly, plodding along and not much to report really...weight is still coming off slowly, and im not having any issues with my band, other then if i drink too fast i get shoulder tip pain, i noticed i got it when i had a few beers on saturday...But i know i could speed things up with some excercise, which i will, but currently don't have the time or energy to commit myself, so after Chrissy im hooking in! :) LOL.
Someone made a comment about the fact that iv only had one fill of 4mls in my band since September, but i really don't feel the need to go back as yet, im still only eating off a bread n butter plate, not hungry in between meals and am not PBing etc, so im rather content with where im at and my progress :) Just seemed like as a banded person they felt the need to tell me where they thought i should be! Lol...i don't fall for peer pressure anymore :p hehe.
Am going to get my mum a choc lab puppy for Chrissy, and surprise her, she's always wanted one and i found the most gorgeous litter, soooo freakin cute, but around 6hours away :s but i will go the distance for my mum, heck it's the least i can do xox Plus i get to babysit it til chrissy :) yay!
Next week i go to Pearl Jam and then go away for 4days with my Ladies :) should be excellent, nice private cabin, with pool, and plenty of cocktails hehe ;) And it will just be good to destress, no man, no work, no drama's, just chill, god knows i need it! ME TIME!!! LOL...
Seen Nickleback and Static X last week, OMG, soooo amazing, had no voice and could barely move my neck after all that but i had the best time! Music moves my soul!!!
Well im off here now to enjoy the gorgeous day before work.
To all in Bloggerland, smile, be safe and have fun.... Drop me a line sometime :)

HAPPY BAND DAY TO ME (& PAMMY) :)

What a great day iv had! Can hardly believe it's already been 3 months since i made the choice, to save myself and my life and take control!!! And the day i met my Pammy :) 22Kilos down so far and "really" starting to see it.
Had a customer iv known for years say to me tonight "OMG Nik, u have lost so much weight, u look fantastic" she said she wanted to say something to me ages ago but wasn't sure if she should, lol, incase i was sick or something, even though i didn't look sick LOL, i told her she had made my night :) was very sweet and uplifting, and made me feel proud of myself! :)
It's amazing just how much i have changed inside as well, in such a short time, as my mate Bridgy and i were saying a while back, the Band does something to ur mind and spirit, but at the same time u have to meet ur band half way and make.
It's just been a very reflective day and also just all round good, balanced in the box at work Lol, had fun, and was just a good day :)
Two days off, YAY!!!! Tomorrow im going out for lunch for my mates Birthday and it could get messy LOL, really looking forward to chilling out with my mates and a few quiet ones, or alot hehehe ;),
I think friday shall be a day of relaxing and possibly a night of BBQ's with my friends and family...and swimming! Yes folks u heard right!!! Im swimming!!! Can u believe it!!?? I can't!!! It's awesome, i bought a cute pair of swimmers which are really flattering and i feel rather comfy swimming in my own pool with people around and i didn't think i would..I can't believe i let myself miss out on something i love soooo much for sooo long!!! NEVER AGAIN! The real test will be in a few weeks, when i go away with my Ladie's to a resort, me, strangers, swimmers, hmmm...Ahhh fuck it hehehe Piece of cake, so to speak LOL. :),
Food has been really good the past couple of days, but bad that i haven't really eaten alot, not because i can't, just because of the heat and not really feeling hungry...It's funny how i used to eat even when not hungry, i felt i had to, or i was missing something, and don't get me wrong i occasionally have the odd too much too eat , especially sweets, but with my Pammy i'am limited still so it's not anywhere near where i was pre banding.
Was going through some old papers and found an affirmation a Reiki Master i knew years ago told me to say every morning... "I'am Love and i'am Choosing to Love and Approve of Myself " I have started saying it and it resonates with me...hope it does with someone else out there too...especially women, we need to love and approve of ourselves!!! We Deserve it! xox

Confronting...

Firstly, HAPPY HALLOWEEN, to all the ghouls out there! :>

U know what people....its funny how life is all about timing, the right place, moment, person, etc....And it's no different when it comes to accepting yourself and confronting all ur demons...

As i said in my previous blog, i seem to be consumed with Self Sabotage and also the fact of dealing with my new body and spirit that is emerging. I guess i assumed that with the weight loss my mind would catch up but it seems that our minds are our worst enemies at times....especially when it comes to body image!

I mean think about it, if u have been overweight for all or most of ur life it becomes like a security blanket, ur "shield" from the world and people, the only thing u have ever really known and the only body u feel safe in and are used to looking at...It's quite a world turner to start to see ur body change and to hear and see peoples reactions and to start to "REALLY" see yourself, for the first time!!!

I'm loving the changes but am a little scared of whats to come, the unknown, the realisation that I'm someone special and that I'm deserving of all things beautiful and amazing! :) Just got to get my head around that concept and i will be right...

Thanku to the 3 lovely ladies who wrote such supportive, kind and helpful words on my last blog, i appreciate it and its good to know that I'm not the only one struggling against "myself" at times...It helps to hear from people who are Wise Bandsters and gives me the push i need sometimes :)

One thing I'm noticing too is that my skin really needs to be toned :s years of stretching has really stretched and strained my skin, so i will have to do my best to fix it and whatever can't be done on my own i might have to see Mr Scalpel LOL...

Food wise, i think i need a spanking... I have been craving sweet things and giving into my cravings, (naughty Nikki!!!) and feeling like crap for it. I'm thinking i may need to start up my food diaries again and really pay attention to what keeps me fuller for longer.

Had some blood taken yesterday, just to see how things are going and how my hormone, iron etc levels are, as i have been sooo tired and sluggish lately, am thinking I'm lacking something, so be interesting to see results.

Whats happening in the Land Of Bloggers??? Everyone seems to be very quiet on the blogging and commenting department.... Cooee!!!!??? LOL.

I'm curious, does anyone have problems sleeping on their tummies since being banded? Does the Port get in the way?

Well really not alot to tell other then the fact that I'm buggered, did 9hours last night, finished at 1am, was in bed at 2:45am and then back at work at 9am ;s Not happy Jan!!!! 2 coffee's down, may require a 3rd lol!

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend and stays happy and safe. :) :) :)

self sabotage :s

Isn't it funny how u can be going so well, proud of urself, content with ur progress, then BANG....U sabotage urself!!! After cracking my 20 kilo goal, i seem to have subconsciously started to sabotage myself, eating crap late at night and just making bad decisions when it comes to food! Grrrrr. Its like u see how well u are going then freak out and start going backwards.

Has anyone else experienced this???

I think alot of it has to do with stress, and the fact that it is scary and exciting and daunting to lose weight and see ur body and spirit change and grow, its all new, especially if u have never been thin in ur whole life, its all new and unknown. So i think i just need to breathe and re-boot LOL. No more emotional eating (will try anyways).

So i finally had something stuck, choccy cake, must have been a sign not to eat it! LOL...God damn it hurt, i haven't PB'd anything since i got my Pammy, but the other night i had the munchies so attempted some choccy cake, must have not chewed enough and it got very stuck, wouldn't go down and wouldn't come up, even tried to bring it up but nothing budged. Hoping that doesn't happen again anytime soon, not pleasant.

Bloody fluid retention is playing havoc with my Pammy at the moment, making me bloated and craving anything sweet!!! Im thinking i may be due for a small fill, i just feel my portions may be a little big at times and that im more hungry in between meals, so i think i shall say Fill Me Up Buttercup hehe ;)

Narrowed down the Port pain i was having to lifting, seems whenever i lift anything reasonably heavy or push against something i end up tender around my port site, so im glad i know what it is and i feel a bit better...am more cautious now.

Im at work and am bored to tears, in the TAB, 2 customers and 5.5hrs to go :s JOY! LOL...
Well im off for now, not much to tell.
Why is everyone so damn quiet on here lately? :p Lol.

YIPEEEEEE!!!!! :)

I haven't blogged for a while, just had so much going on and honestly just didn't feel like it...but today i have some good news to share.
I haven't weighed myself for a while, so i thought id jump on this morning and to my surprise i have cracked the 20Kilo mark!!! :) One of my goals...im soooo stoked! Its made me even more motivated now....time to BRING IT!!! lol.
Id like to hit the 30kilo mark by my birthday in February and im pretty positive i can do that and maybe a little more :)
Funny how u have to get honest with urself at some stage! Iv been reverting back to my old ways a little lately and not making healthy good food choices, and lets just say i suffered for it, feeling sluggish and just like shit to be honest, so iv uped my vegie and slow cooked meats and am feeling better for it and im back onto the water, drinking around 1.5-2.5litres a day.
So how is everyone out there???? Very quiet....Is anybody out there??? LOL. ;p
How fast is the year going!!!??? And i can honestly say bring on 2010!
My man and i have had a really rough trot as of late and almost ended things :( Its just a really hard situation we are in at the moment and we never have any time together, just US...So tonight we are going out for dinner and seeing The Final Destination 3D :) am sooo looking forward to time together, and we can really talk and be close...I miss that soooo much.
Im starting to notice some insecurities coming out in my man as well, he is worried i will get "skinny" and leave him and he asks me why im wearing this and that, something he never did before, so im thinking that may need to be addressed before it escalates.
Not alot more to tell other then the fact that im on my way....slow and steady wins the race ;)
Take care all and enjoy ur day!

.....Time.....

Ok so my life right now seems to be all about timing...how fast time flies when you are focused, busy and pre occupied,LOL...My 2month Bandiversary has been and gone, and i can't believe it's been 2months already....WOW!!! :)
I was shocked to see over 12,000 Hits on my blog now :o Thankyou so much to all the people who read my blog, simply pass through and those who seem to leave me such beautiful and supportive comments, lifts me up and makes me smile!!! And when need be gives me a good kick up the butt ;),

I have been bad as of late, especially with my man gone, just eating whatever and felt like crap for it! I have been more aware of my choices and am getting my arse back in gear!!! WAKE UP NIKKI!!! LOL.
Mum also pointed out something to me that i wasn't sure if i was imagining things....lol...she said im more pale (more then usual) lol, and im thinking i may be lacking in iron, seen as though i haven't really eaten any red meat other then mince for atleast 3months :o so i might source some iron tabs or go to the doctors....Ideas??? Plus i also noticed that the past 2-3weeks my energy levels have depleated to nothing and im soooo sluggish, not sure why, perhaps iv hit the "hump"...
Im soooo looking forward to going away with the girls in November :) i need it! LOL 4 days with my crazy girlfriends mwahahahaha look out nelsons bay hehehe!!! Will be nice to have me time and relax, its been very hard lately looking after my FIL on my own for the last week as well and its full on!!! Im happy to have him here but sad and annoyed his daughter is an hour and a half away and hasn't bothered with him, or offered to give us a break!!! Anyways....
I haven't much to tell other then im taking more time, slowing down, and re-booting...
Until next mindless data entry...... :),

Dreaming.....

So......Fellow Bloggers and Blog Followers, I'm curious...What is the most significant and amazing moment or feeling u have experienced since being Banded??? What has made u smile??? Feel proud, or excited???

For me, on this new journey I'm on, it has been feeling better about myself, having a sense of worth, achievement, pride and respect within myself and my body. And the new found ability to hold my head high, put my shoulders back and strut hahaha (kidding) but i do feel myself walking taller and with a bit more of a sway in my hips :)

Good times!!! :)

I'm also getting to listen to my body more, when I'm hungry, when I'm full and when I'm just wanting to eat for emotional comfort...Big step for me!

Going out now is also alot more fun, dancing more, and just being more outgoing in general...Plus I'm cheaper to take out for drinks now LOL...Finally I'm a relatively cheap drunk hahaha :o I'm also noticing that i feel so much more comfortable in a room full of people, no more hiding in the corner....Look out world Nikki is in da house!!!!! mwahahahaha ;),

Work tonight stressed me out something shocking, one person doing 5 jobs at once, well trying....very chaotic but i managed, and needed a smoke after lol!!! Damn boss, give me a pay rise LOL!

Got a big weekend and I'm fully booked for once, got my Brother's 40th Saturday and my mates farewell as well, so I'm doing a double "date" hehehe...then got my nieces netball presentation and my nephews soccer presentation on so i will be doing the mad dash in between! God I'm a good Aunty LOL.

I went to my mums house and picked up some of my old clothes, the Pre-Banding ones, as i realised i no longer have any summery clothes that fit...Mum suggested trying some of the clothes i had boxed up and put in the "someday i will fit them again" category. I was very doubtful they would fit, but to my utter surprise, they fit and some were actually loose! :o Great feeling.
I'm sooo excited, I'm now 1kg away from hitting 20kgs lost...Has come off so fast and with relatively no problems.... Had a something get stuck twice now, but it tends to go down after a few minutes, and i know that it has happened simply because i didn't chew enough. It's a good reminder, cause it bloody hurts LOL.
I need to plan my meals, have been eating well, but kinda on the run, which i need to change, sit down and plan what I'm taking to work, cooking for tea etc.
Well time for a cuppa tea and bed.... *Yawn* Night all!

Big Breaths!!!

Well lovely people, sorry for my last "blog" if u can call it that! I was just feeling sooo low, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and just plain tired...And needed to vent. My home/personal life has been such a rollercoaster and a bottomless pit of uncertainty...But perhaps things are about to change for the better...Time will tell.
I weighed in today 18.3kgs lost now! :) it's starting to sink in, a little LOL... I went out for a farewell dinner last night with my friends and was shocked everyone was commenting on how good i looked and how much happier in myself i'am, it was really nice and a little overwhelming LOL.
I made a comment like "iv only lost 18kgs so far" and my mate slapped me and said "ONLY 18kgs!!!!" Thats massive she said, and it kinda hit home that it is a great acheivement and that i should feel proud of myself and the effort iv put in! :) And u know what....I'AM!!! :) :) :)
Seems like for every person that is happy for u there is a person that is exceedingly jealous...so from now on no more 'haters' in my life! :p hehehe Haters LOL.
I haven't had any problems with eating or food wise and i'm feeling very liberated and in control, knowing im not on a "Diet" anymore and can eat pretty much what i want, in moderation and in smaller quantities is such a freeing experience.
Finally my thoughts are no longer consumed with food and it feels fantastic, im slowly taking back the reins!
Iv only had one instance where i decided,(against my better judgement) to eat brekky within half an hour of waking up, i only had around 2teaspoons of scrambled eggs and i felt it get a little stuck, was kind of like an instant heartburn/indigestion or reflux feeling, and it wouldn't go up or down, so i went it and stretched out on my bed, hands above head, and it went down within 5mins...But god damn as im sure all u Bandsters know it's not the best feeling in the world...I know how babies feel with reflux now LOL!
It's so amazing how most women (myself included) seem to lose our boobs first when we lose weight...Iv already dropped around 1 cup size or maybe half, but the "girls" are definately shrinking!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( Small price to pay i guess.
My mum took me shopping yesterday and bought me some gorgeous clothes, she is such a sweeti :) I was pleasantly surprised to find out that i fit into a size 18 people!!! :o Yes it was fitted but at this rate i won't be in them for long!
I was in shock and disbelief....Im really proud of myself for the first time in my life and i know that will continue to grow as i continue to shrink! ;) I also brought the cutest handbag and matching purse, very Ed Hardy stlye hehe :)
Thanku for ur kind words LapBandGirl....it's nice to know people care and are here to offer kind words, support,advice etc.
I hope people are still reading my blogs and enjoying them....Because the comments have been few and far between :( I really enjoy and appreciate all the support i have been given from ALL OF YOU! :) It makes my day and inspires me to push on...

FUCK IT!!!

FUCK IT ALL..............................................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

Iv had such an up and down few weeks, well months actually, but i feel renewed in some ways, must be the new Spring weather and the new sense of self im discovering! :) Iv decided to try to think as positively as possible and see if that brings good Karma with it LOL.



Im starting to see a real change in myself, my body shape is changing, my mindset is changing and the way i feel around people is changing.


I had my first Fill yesterday, went rather well i think, it wasn't as bad as i thought, more a weird feeling, kinda a bit icky LOL but over pretty quickly and he found my port first go! :) Although he did proceed to try to make chit chat with me as the seringe was hanging out of my gut :0 was a tad freaky LOL.


I officially have 3.5-4mls in my Pammy now and have noticed a slight change but he said it can take a couple of days to really feel it...



Im excited and oh so motivated, been gyming it and enjoying it, though i was slack last week, just felt really exhausted, but im back in the saddle again, im now soooo motivated and inspired to kick my butt into gear and really meet my Pammy half way! :)

Im feeling rather proud of myself too, am learning to accept myself, and compliments, which seem to be coming strong this past week LOL, its strange but great! :)

And i must say since i have been blogging this one post for around 3 days now,LOL i have found the fill is working, am eating smaller portions and going slow, nothing stuck or brought up....FINGERS CROSSED!

Iv also found inspiration in other peoples stories, and have recently come across a blog of a young woman in the states that has done sooo amazingly, doesn't vomit at all and is losing her weight and is very motivating and has some great recipes to share as she is a chef also,Lol. It's really enjoyable to read other peoples blogs and see where they have come from and are going :)

Had one chicken honey soy skewer and some vegies tonight was nice and i chew chew chewed it without an dramas and i even left something on my plate, im slowly learning u don't have to clear your plate off! *LIGHT BULB* LOL.

So i really haven't much else to tell but things are soooo up and down right now and im just along for the ride...Positive thinking Nikki!!! haha.

Focus....Focus...hehehe

Well i got quite the surprise today when i jumped on the scales, iv lost a Total of 16.6kg since the 20th of July!!! And i feel so much better for it already! :) I'm in shock that i have already lost around 20% of my excess weight and I'm well on my way...
I'm joining the gym tomorrow, my man went tonight to suss it out and said it was pretty good and the people seemed nice. $15 a week, no contracts and its close...I just want to start getting fit again, and focus on my overall health and well being more so then the weight....It's about the journey!
Plus i also need to keep myself busy and burn off some aggression and pent up emotions, with all that is going on lately it will be therapeutic! LOL...My main thing is getting my arse to the gym, once I'm there i actually enjoy it, so push push push on i must! ;),
I'm not going to do any Ab exercises for a few more months, give my tummy time to heal properly...I think i will just do plenty of cardio and light upper body and lower body weights for now...will aim for around 45mins-1hour Cardio and 15-30mins weights.
Today i totally forgot to eat until tea time, not good i know! I had my Berocca in the morning and then had to go out, i wasn't really hungry throughout the day but i did have 3 tequila sunrises LOL...and some left over noodle stir fry when i got home so i did eat and i even had a low fat yoghurt for dessert too LOL.
Yesterday was a hard day for me, being Father's Day...I always seem to get somber..went to the cemetery to see Dad after work, got there right on dusk and stayed til the stars were out, its funny, i feel more calm and safe there then i do anywhere else, even in the dark...It's such a gorgeous,majestic place, with rose gardens, lush grass, willow trees,waterfalls,bell birds and surrounded by mountains...Almost 16years on and i miss him more then ever, it's only now that it's easier in some way to deal with it and accept it! LOVE YOU DAD! xxx
So I'm thinking of going as a 1950's pin up girl or Dorothy from the W.O.O. or a hippy for my mates 50's & 60's fancy dress 21st....Any ideas people?
Is anyone still reading my blogs??? LOL Soooo quiet...where is everyone? ;),

grin and bear it....

Why is it that when things seem to be going ok, they go sour???!!! Iv had an odd day, started ok, then went down hill... Im tired of things and people pushing me, testing me, trying to break me!
Well i won't let them you hear me!!! Being an emotional eater makes it worse....especially when i came home to what i did tonight...All i wanted was something junky to devour and bury my feelings with! Im so frustrated, but proud i didn't eat anything...I need to learn to address my feelings and emotions and im really trying!
Im feeling rather low today for the first time since i got banded, not sure where my life is going, where im at emotionally, why im writing this! Whats the point!!!
I know tomorrow is a new day but fuck....can it get here already! Lol.
Eating today was ok...i couldv done better, but i did ok. Im also noticing that the more compliments im receiving, i think i may be self sabotaging myself, eating late at night, and feeling awkward when i get a compliment...Normal???
I just needed to vent...have no one to talk to right now so im blogging instead...
Bye for now...

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

Well im starting to notice my appetite increasing, quite alot...And some bad old habits are still lingering as well!


The habit of late night snacks after work, last night i had 2x mini chrunchies and 1x mini mars bar when i got home from work...It troubled me a little at first but you know what...Iv had these habits for 24years and they aren't about to just disappear because i have my Pammy, it will be a process and something i have to work on.


I know it's mainly habit, but it has to stop!


Im doing really well so i don't wanna focus soley on the negative and what im not doing so well on...i WILL get there! :)


People are also starting to notice, and it's more the men that are saying something about how well i look etc, It's doing wonders for my self esteem and helping me to keep on track.


I have my moments where i slip and i try not to beat myself up about it though...Just make tomorrow a new day!


So today im 28 days post op and my first Fill is at 2:10pm today...I decided to watch You Tube Uploads of a Band Fill, maybe not the best idea iv had, they looked darn painful and some Doctors took upto 5mins to locate the port :s which didn't look like the most pleasant experience LOL, but the people swear blind it doesn't really hurt... Feedback appreciated people hehe.


Im not a big sook but i don't like the idea of being a pin cushion either, but im sure i will be fine and it will be nothing bad, cause you can feel my port very easily so should be a bullseye LOL. Im looking forward to having a Fill and seeing and feeling the difference it makes in my hunger and portion sizes.




Iv also noticed that the "Mind Hunger" is the hardest thing to overcome, eating for the sake of it, because your bored, happy, sad, etc, it's very much a sub concious thing and it's a hard habit to break. Being aware is key though! Im starting to realise!


I think my main thing is not comparing myself to others progress or where i thought id be...I keep looking at how much iv lost and thinking is that enough, should it be more, etc??? But i have to look at how far iv come and keep focused on that!

So another thing is iv also noticed my periods seem to be more regular with just losing the weight i have, which is great, especially for someone who has never had a "normal" cycle in all her life! I can only imagine the other health benefits i will gain from having my Pammy :)

Im starting to think about the future also, especially getting married...Told my man and my mum that when i hit a size 16 im going wedding dress shopping, just to try some on and have a fun girly day...which isn't that far away, im in a size 20 now! :)

I have got to start being more consistent with my Food Diaries, one day i do them the next day i forget. They are such a great help and a good point of reference, it's confronting at times to see what your daily food intake is, if you are honest! LOL

Ok so this blog has been in the "process" for almost 2days now LOL...I went for my First Fill today, but didn't get it LOL.
Dr Munro was very happy with my progress and he said to me that i was in a good place, with my eating, hunger and weight loss and i didn't feel all that ready for one to be honest, so we both agreed that 2 weeks, sept 14th i shall be Filled hehe :)
In the mean time im planning better meals and making the most of the next 2 weeks, before i go back to see him, plenty of salads, healthy snacks, and starting to walk the dogs...So i get myself into "The Zone" before i have my Fill.
Hope people are still reading my blogs and enjoying them... More Food Diaries to come :)

"It's not the Destination...It's the Journey that counts"

Driven.....

So iv had a great weekend! I went back to work on Friday and i have to say i never thought id be happy to go back to work LOL...But i couldn't handle sitting still anymore and being able to socialise and be productive again is Fabulous!!! :)
It's quite amusing though, that even after being away for 3weeks, nothing has really changed.

People at work are making comments about how good, happy and healthy i look and they can see the change already, which is boosting me even more...aside from the fact i feel great, have alot more energy and my knees don't hurt as much as before (especially after a long shift) which is such a great start and it makes me excited for more kilos to drop off and my health, confidence and body image to grow! :)

I should have ordered a smaller uniform though (we were measured for them before i was Banded) because now it swims on me LOL. Oh well, that's a first for me and i love it hehe.

As for all my other clothes, they now swim on me, i have 2pairs of pants that fit me and i pulled out my Pre-Fiance clothes that no longer fitted me and they are now loose!!! Lol...So i may go Op Shopping soon and try to snag some cheapies to get me through for a while, lord knows i need them (but who's complaining)!!!

My Man and i and some mates have decided to join a gym, it's $15 a week, all classes, passes to 2 pools,a trainer and no locked in contract. So i shall give myself another month to pick up and recover fully then I'm hitting the gym and toning up this hot bod LMAO!!! ;),

Plus it will give my Man and i something to do together, when we can and make us both feel better about ourselves and give each other support and encouragement. I actually miss the gym so it will be great for me...

The thing is as I'm losing my weight I'm realising more and more it's not just about the "NUMBER" or what you look like, it's how you see yourself and feel about yourself, it's about becoming healthy and happy and feeling inspired within yourself, it's about making choices that benefit and drive you, not hinder you!

So I'm anticipating that this Journey iv embarked on will have me learning more about myself and my views then ever before!

I'm becoming more comfy with my port and feeling it under my skin, it freaked me out a tad a first LOL, just knowing something was there and being able to FEEL it sooo easily was a shock, but I'm liking it now lol....Its a part of me forever and Pammy's companion hehehe,

Have let a few friends feel it and they think it's pretty cool.
On the nipple front, all is good, healing well,looking great and i so wanna play with it hehe, not to mention my Fiance is chomping at the bit to have a touch etc.... ;), I want my other nipple done now though...piercings are so addictive for me LOL!

DAY 19

125ml Berocca
250ml Opti Shake
4 x Cruskits & Vegemite
1 cup Zucchini Slice
1 Jelly fruit cup
1 WW ice cream
850ml water

I'm also noticing that keeping track of what I'm eating allows me to have more control and to be aware of what I'm eating and how much...Iv found the last few days i have forgotten to eat at certain stages and it bothered me a little, not a good habit to form and it's mainly because i haven't felt hungry really, which is new and odd for me (but a great feeling)!

But I'm back on track and putting pen to paper, even bought myself a little notebook to carry with me, so no excuses!

Iv also noticed my hunger increasing slightly, as in the amounts i can eat...I'm not worried but it's a strange and surreal feeling to notice your food habits and knowing in myself when to STOP!!! I'm loving it! Though i know i will continue to learn from my mistakes and triumphs it's just a great feeling to feel like things are looking up and that I CAN & WILL do this, for none other than MYSELF! :)

Did i mention I'm getting my first Fill on September first, ironic huh, first Fill on the 1st LOL...I'm excited to see how it changes things. Not sure how much they add at first though???

Well I'm actually at work (it's sooooo DEAD) lol, so i guess i should go do some then hey hehehe.

I absolutely adore reading the comments left for me and would like to say a BIG THANK YOU to EVERYONE who is supporting me and enjoying following my journey! :)