Realisations.......

I had a strange feeling today, it was a mixture of feelings really, of relief, hope, excitement, curiousity and some sorrow....Relief that i have made such an important and monumental decision in my life, for myself, to take control of my life, mind, & body and to LIVE!!!
The sorrow was for the Part of ME that im about to 'leave behind'...Sorrow for the years of taunting, feeling ashamed and embarassed and wanting to hide from the world (though i already felt invisible), of feeling a constant cycle of guilt and shame and anger when i ate, or when people would watch me eat, or when i'd sneak food and hide it as i devoured it ALL, feeling like i was with my "best friend" in the world and nothing could hurt me, food was my emotional "suit of armour" and i used it against myself for all these years, unbeknownst to myself...UNTIL NOW!!!
I know i will always remember the past because it is part of who i'am and part of why i'am where i'am now....but i hope to look back with pride and a huge smile someday soon, knowing iv come such a long way and have grown so much emotionally! :)
Im feeling very emotional (in a good way) and open today.... Can u tell? LOL! It's like iv had a "ligthbulb" moment.
Actually i think i had that moment last night at Mum's, we were watching TV and i went to get some water and without a thought i went to the pantry to look for something to eat.... I kind of stepped back when i realised what i was doing, just based on HABIT, i wasn't even remotely hungry and it really surprised me, that i just went there like a robot! Im glad i realised and have become more conscious of my actions and emotions...Loving it so far! :)
Im sooo excited!!!! Not sure if u all can tell or know, but im a bit, well a HUGE Metal gal (heavy metal music for those who don't know LOL) and im in heaven...My Bestie and i got tix today to see SLAYER & MEGADETH...And im getting tix for my Man and a few mates and my Brother to see NICKLEBACK & PEARL JAM tomorrow :> IM STOKED!!! Now all i need is for METALLICA to tour next year and i will be in Total Bliss!!! Hehehe.
Ok so more exciting news!!! I weighed today, i couldn't help myself, im not worried about it but i knew id lost more, as my clothes are getting loser already....Jumped on the scales, with a full tummy of food and clothes on tonight (i normally weigh in little or nothing at all LOL, shhhhhh) and to my surprise it said 125.5 kilos!!!!
Total loss since starting Opti Fast-July 20th (and getting my "Pammy" 6Days ago-August 4th) 12.1 kilos!!! I know iv got a ways to go yet, but im soooo Proud of myself for being so committed to my new way of living and most importantly myself...I CAN & WILL DO THIS!!!
Almost forgot...I went for a little drive to the video shop today, OMG was it good to get back a little piece of independence and freedom, though i'am a tad sore tonight...baby steps!
Well it's 12:08am people and its OFFICIALLY ONE WEEK Post Op!!! Goes fast!!! And today at 11:30 i have my first Post Op check up, hope im a good student LOL...
Thanks for reading and all ur support and kind words everyone, it really boosts me and makes me smile...
P.S... iv elected for another week off...im not pushing myself too hard too fast! :)

DAY 5.....

God it goes fast after ur Banded...5 days already and im still adjusting to Banded Life. Felt a little tightness and kind of an indigestion feeling, though im still on liquids... and wasn't able to drink as much yesterday either.... Im not stressing butit's all sooo NEW and when u aren't sure whats happening it can be a little scary LOL.
So here is what i consumed for Day 4...

DAY 4:
125ml Berocca
200ml Coffee
100ml L/F Yoghurt
200ml Water
250ml Cuppa Soup
150ml L/f Custard
200ml Mint Tea

I feel like im getting enough fluids, but m sooo over "drinking" give me something to chew, even for just a second LOL... It's odd how well u start to recover when u take time out for YOU, staying at Mum's has made things alot easier on me and given me some breathing room...Gotta LOVE your MUM!!! Im very lucky to have her around me and to be sooo close with her! :)
I don't think my man quite gets it yet, which is ok, it's new for him too...But he just seems to be soo hyper around me and in my face etc, kinda annoying lol, but he's trying so i shut up! He wants me to come home, but im not ready yet, need another day or 2 to rest and revitalise myself and i will go home.
Meant to go back to work saturday but not sure if i should or could, they gave me an 8hr shift in the TAB, on a Saturday (chaos) my first day back and i don't think i would handle it very well, so im thinking i will see how i feel closer to it and maybe ask for a few more days off...because iv only put in for 10days off, so maybe some more... What do u all think???
Iv noticed iv been holding my head higher since my Op, may sound odd but it's like i have this secret weapon that is boosting my confidence with every passing day...I have HOPE now!!! And FAITH, Faith in MYSELF and my capabilities, Faith that I CAN and WILL make this work for ME!!! :>
Ohh i haven't forgotten about my Pre Op pics people, just not sure how to load am up, will have to wait for my buddy B to get her arse over to help me revamp my Blog LOL...New me, new Blog hehe ;) It wasn't until i looked at the pics Mum took that i realised id lost weight already, the 10kgs i lost on Opti really was obvious, even though the pics were kinda hard to look at, i have to "Because u can't see where u are going, if u don't look at where u have been"...
I can't wait to have my old energy levelsback and then some so can be more motivated to do things LOL, but all in good time....iv gotta be patient, not my best asset hehehe...
Im off for a shower and then my Best mate is takin me out for a little while...FREEDOM!!!! hehehe......
Where is everyone??? Miss my comments and feedback etc....Sock it to me Peoples lol...(im such a dag) LMAO!!!

Rough Night...

Ok so thursday night was pretty rough, woke up in quite a bit of pain around 2am, and my man was wanting to take me up the hospital, but some peppermint tea and hot water bottle helped, i think it was the gas pains to be honest, as im kinda irregular LOL... But it was a little off putting.
Iv come to stay at my Mum's for a couple of days, i can't really rest at my house at the moment with everything going on around me and all the stress there, plus having FIL living there at the moment makes it a little harder. Im not being mean,but i just felt right now, a few days away is just what i need, to focus on me, and getting well and rested, call me selfish if u will but sometimes u have to be! Plus Mum has a bath tub :> hehehe.
I feel a little more refreshed today...Had around 8 hours sleep, am siping my morning coffee now,(even though its lunch time lol) and about to jump in a shower and wash my hair and then watch some movies.... RELAX!!! :)
So iv started to keep a "diary" of what im managing to drink on the fluids phase, to make sure im getting enough etc...So here is DAY 3 intake...
DAY 3: 125ml Berocca
250ml Low Fat Drinking Yoghurt
150ml Opti Shake
100ml water
250ml cuppa soup
200ml choc milk
200ml mint tea
4 small squares dark choc (sucked on)
This is what i consumed throughout the entire day, sipping very slowly...Is this too much, not enough??? Feedback and suggestions welcomed :) I plan to have more water now... It's all new and a huge learning curb for me....
Im soooo proud iv taken the first step towards making my life and myself the way i want to be and feel i'am deep down inside....This is something iv done JUST FOR ME, and it feels sooo liberating and fulfilling that i have!!! :>

Easy does it....

Well my fellow Bloggers, its day 2 Post Op and im not feeling too bad, apart from feeling really bloated and wanting to burp or fart but can't LMAO!!! I over did it little yesterday so im just going to slow down and go easy on myself...Be kind to myself, i have put my body through alot the past few days (and over the years)! And now it deserves a rest...
Im managing to drink/sip around 3-4cups of fluid throughout the day at the moment, maybe more, but i just feel sooo full after which is a good but odd feeling lol...I made myself a Opti shake today to sip on so it will give me the nutrients i need as well as some clear soups to have, but iv just gotta go slow...am a little nervous of PBing lol.
My incisions look ok i guess, but are still covered... Go back to Megan(dietician) next week so will be interested to see if she thinks im doing well so far. All of Dr Munro's team are sooo supportive and understanding, its great, would highly recommend them!!!
You know the funny thing is it still feels sooo surreal that im FINALLY Banded!!! I know i have been but im surprised at how im managing so far, i know its very early days but im doing good so far and learning everyday already! :)
Im running low on energy today people so i shall go lay down and watch some girly flicks ;) lol... After a nice hot shower :>

"Pammy" and i are home!!!

Well first day Post Op peoples and happy to say not in too much discomfort, mainly where my Port is is the most tender. I was at the Hospital at 7:30am and in theatre around 8:50am...remember waking up to them pulling the breathing tube out of my throat, was grose feeling LOL.
I can't believe im officially Banded with my (Pammy) :) She shall be my bestest friend from now on lol...All the waiting and now i'am done, my life will be an amazing,learning and self discovery journey for me! And i can't wait to learn and grow and love myself more!!!
Iv got Dvd's coming out my bum lol, thanks to some good mates who are looking after my entertainment needs hehe ;)
Iv had a 1/4 cup of coffee, 1/2 cup apple juice and sips of water so far today...So i take it this stage is anything that will fit through a straw??? Suggestions welcome...Can i have a optifast shake at the moment to sip on n fill me up?
I have some Pre Op pics (in my sexy green & white hosi gown) to put up here when i get a chance and work out how lol....Oh and a weightloss ticker!!!
Im actually very proud of myself for taking the first step to making a better me and a better life...I know i have a long ways to go but im committed 150% to MY PAMMY and MYSELF!!! :)
Thankyou to Dr Munro and all his surgical team and the staff at NGPH, for making my stay and recovery as pleasant as possible :>
Well im going to take some panadol(liquid) and watch some girly movies....
Keep following my progress and watching for new pics, measurements and weight/mind changes :)

Blink & u will miss it....

Well people, i got "the call" today!!! 7:30am at the Hospital tomorrow,OMG, its all soooo REAL now...I have this weird excited,nervous,anxious,happy,relieved, energy running through my veins! :) Plus i think the massage/reiki healing i had done today really helped to relax,centre and ground me, it was Fabulous :> hehe.
So i have my bag packed, my reading and listening material for the hospital and my own pillow to take(i always sleep better with it) LOL. Wasn't sure what to take to wear home, so took a summer dress thing and slippers, or thongs....
Thankyou so very much to everyone with all their supportive comments and words of advice and encouragement, means so much to me!!! :)
I really doubt i will sleep much if at all tonight...But i will try!
I honestly don't have much running through my head at the moment, which is strange for me LOL, i just felt the need to Blog and share what im feeling and to let u all know today is the last day of my life as i know it and tomorrow will be the start of LIFE and my brighter future....My how things will change....for the BETTER!!! :>
Im in my own world at the moment so everyone who is reading, do send me some sexy,happy,skinny well wishes/vibes hehehe ;),
I shall return shortly, with my "Pammy" YAY!!!

Come on Tuesday!!!

I had a really good night at work tonight, i even got a few compliments from my work mates, that i had lost weight and they could see it :> and most of them know im getting Banded so it's good,i have alot of support and people around me and 100% behind me, so it will help me alot!
I think it's finally hit me tonight...that the day iv been waiting for for so long is almost here :)Im getting butterflies in my stomach, more of excitement then anxiety, but i'am a little nervous/anxious...Just want it done LOL...2 DAYS people!!! :o
I weighed in today and i can't believe it...I was 137.6 when i started Opti Fast on the 20th of July and today i'am 127.5 so thats 10kg's,(well 10.1 to be exact lol) GONE, im in total shock!!! I didn't think i could do it,the Shakes that is, but i have and now im READY for the next phase of my journey :>
Iv even noticed my skin is much clearer since iv been on Opti Fast and drinking atleast 2ltr of water a day, plus all the vegies iv been eating, im vegied out LOL!
Im going to measure myself before Tuesday, so i can track my loss in inches as well, so i don't get reliant on my scales lol...
Iv also booked in for a massage on Monday, thought i really NEED and DESERVE one, especially before my surgery. Iv been sooo stressed and anxious and just run down the last few months and even more so these past 2 weeks, i need some ME time!
Got my camera batteries charging so i can get some Pre Op pics of me up on here....if i can work out how to do it... Lol
Night all.....