What a week!!!!

I can't begin to describe the rollercoaster week i have had!!!
On Sunday morning my Mother in law passed away, very suddenly...We live around an hour and a half away and we got there as fast as we could but she was gone! Seeing her that way was devastating and one of the hardest things i've had to deal with, not to mention holding back my own emotions, etc, to help my amazing man and his family!
After 44 years of marriage his Dad has lost his "best mate", and i feel for him soooo deeply...Though i know no words etc can ease the pain, so i will just be there for them, every step of the way!!! Having lost my Dad, of the same thing, when i was younger i know exactly how they are feeling and it takes time....ALOT of time!!!
I told my man his Dad can live with us, because i wouldn't see him on his own. It's going to be a big change for all of us, but it was not even an option for me to not have him here with us! Its quite ironic how death can bring people closer together and test relationships, but i feel it has only brought us closer together!
It really gets u thinking how precious, fragile and fleeting life truly is, here one day, gone the next, and that u really need to make EVERY single day count, make it special, do something new, tell those around u that u love them and to be happy, beacause life is just TOO SHORT!
On top of all this i started my Opti shakes on the monday, really great timing for an "emotional eater", though surprisingly i haven't really eaten much at all, and food is the furthest thing from my mind at the moment, which is probably a blessing in disguise for me!
I got a surprise today, iv lost 7 kilos :o OMG, i couldn't believe it, i was sooo happy, proud and shocked...And it hasn't even been a full week yet! Can't wait to see the end result after 2weeks of 'shaking" it lol!! :> Surprisingly im not finding the shakes that hard to take, i quite like them, lol :o though i need something other then vegie stir fry to eat people....im goin nuts with that side of it!!! Any suggestions or recipes to help make this stage a little easier would be greatly appreciated!!! :>
Only 10 days to go til my life changes and im more motivated, driven and determined then ever to make my "Pammy" work for and with me, and to be kinder to myself and my body....
As much as im doing this for myself, i also now feel like im doing it for my Mother in law & my Dad....to show them wherever they are that im going to live my life and be happy and give them plenty of grand kiddies to watch over and protect!
Life is short people.....so i will live by these words now... LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH, LEARN, GROW!!!
Keep watching for new posts and pre op pics!

It's like Christmas....

Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god!!!! Hurry up August 4th!!! LOL. Im going insane here(in a good way) ;), counting the days till i get Banded, the thoughts running through my head are vast and immense, and im surpised at just how excited i'am,it's like the Christmas Count down, but only its the BEST PRESENT EVER!!!....in my Best Friends words "I've never known anyone to be so excited to get cut up" lmao... She and i have an odd sense of humour.
But as i explained, its not that side of it,well maybe a little, LOL, its the excitement of finally giving myself a Chance, a TOOL(my 'Pammy'), to REALLY LIVE, and grow and learn about myself, my lifestyle and who i really am!
Because i'am starting to realise all iv missed out on, and all iv let myself miss out on, because of my weight, it's very confronting, yet liberating to finally start to address the issues behind my 'love' and 'loathing'of food and myself....And i know it will only grow more and more obvious as i shed the kilo's, the shame, the hiding and the guilt and start to see and be ME!!! :)
Mind u im not not dreading the Shakes faze too much just yet, oddly i know!!! ;o Im looking forward to it a little i think, because iv just been eating sooo much leading up to goin on the shakes on Monday the 20th, that i think it will do me good in a way to detox as such from food and bad foods at that!!!
We are going shopping tonight and we haven't written anything bad or fatty or sugary on our list, we are making a real effort to keep our home healthier and more Band friendly for me,both pre and post-op....If it ain't there u can't miss it (in theory) LOL!
One thing that is annoying me slightly, is the fact that i won't know EXACTLY whats happening til the day before my Op, which for me (i like to be in control) if u haven't noticed is really hard to swallow, i want and need to know what time i go in, what they want me to do, LOL, its just me being anxious/excited but i wanna know so i can get more excited... hehehe :) :) :)
Well im going to jump into bed shortly and warm up, its freezing here, must be snowing nearby!!!
Hope u r all enjoying my excited, nervous, jibberish. Well those who still even read my blogs LOL... Where's the love people??? LOL ;p

28 Days & Counting!!!!

Hey there, im back..... lol. I can't believe how long its been since i blogged :o time flies by so fast, especially with a new house and more hours at work and daily life, and my head has been focused on August 4th..... My BAND Day!!! :> :)
Its coming up sooooo fast, and i can hardly wait! I went through a period of feeling like maybe i won't make my Band work for me, or do i deserve this, what will life be like, etc.... all the nervous unknown questions, and lets be honest irrational thoughts lol.... Which soon were blown out of the water by the thoughts of me being in a better, happier, more content state of mind and body, of looking and liking what i see and what i will be like and life will be like Post Banding.....Hard to imagine! But ohhh sooo exciting and fun :>
I did notice something a tad scary the other day, as i shovelled a bowl of ice cream down, is that i have been eating alot more the last week or so, maybe im a little more nervous then i thought, or it could be me thinking in my mind, gotta get in in now,lol... Im pleased i noticed though. Now i can be aware and knock it on the head!!!
I start the Opti Fast on july 20th, and haven't had great feedback, any ideas, tips etc? lol. Im starting to tell more people also, which is great, it means i feel sure enough in myself and my decision to not care and be proud of this amazing journey im soon to embark on :)
I will say my fiance, family and friends, have been soooo supportive and i couldn't do it without them and their love....im very lucky!
So im off to bed now to dream of my new body and life :) hehehe. Keep watching and counting me down :>

Time flies.....

Well hello out there....Its been a while since iv blogged....i haven't had the time or really much to say....All i seem to do these days is work...no time for play :(
I just added a Countdown Ticker for my BAND DAY!!!! YAY!!! its coming up fast and i can't believe in just a matter of months my life and myself will change in the most dramatic way! :> Can hardly wait!!! I catch myself dreaming, imagining what my life, mind, body, feelings, will be like Post Banding...Its a mystery, and a journey, one im more then willing to take and make the most of every High and Low!
I know being Banded is only the start of my journey, but i can't help but think how happy feeling better about ME and learning to love myself will have been well worth 24years of waiting :)
I got my money from KRudd, am stoked $100 for me the rest for rego lol.... Nice to have a PM who is giving back, even if in the end they get it back anyways lol...
House is going really good, slowly doing things to it, adding my own touches... Though my relaationship has been so up and down lately, hard to keep up! But my life so far is going pretty smoothly....hmmmm i may have just jynxed myself LMAO :o
Im off to give myself a relaxing shower, facial n foot scrub :> mmmm ME TIME!

ITS A DATE!!!!

This truly is MY YEAR!!!
March 10th i had my consult with Dr Munro and i got my BAND Date!!! It's such an incredible feeling...Now Finally i have something to look forward to...The start of a new life, a new me, a happier, healthier, more confident me!!! I can't believe on TUES AUGUST 4TH, my life and the person iam now as i know it will cease to exist, i will start my journey on the path to happiness, with myself, my body, my mind and my life... No more feeling down, ugly unattractive and unworthy and just existing...ITS ON!!!! Time to LIVE!!!
And i couldn't be happier :> :> :>
I have been on a high for the past few days, words cannot begin to describe what i'am feeling, thinking, dreaming......And in just a few months my dreams, hopes, will all be reality!
I got sooo nervous booking the date for my Surgery, it was all finally real, happening, coming true.....I even got to choose my Band date, which was a pleasant surprise :)
Not such a pleasant surprise was jumping on the scales to see i weigh nearly 137kg :o and my BMI was like 44 or 45, I'm nearly HALF FAT scary, was a bit of an eye opener and more of a reason to do this!!!
What was funny was that poor Dr Munro barely had time to utter the words that if i wanted to think about it before i made a decision....before i interrupted and said I have thought about it and I KNOW I WANT THE SURGERY!!! Its the right and only decision for me!
I'm sooo excited and can't wait for August 4th...The "fun" part will be getting through the Opti Yuk stage!!! Am a little worried how i will go with that, cause iv never been able to stick with shake diets before but I'm sure i will be able to do it because of whats to follow! Fingers crossed.
I have settled into my new home surprisingly well, feel like i fit here, like its meant to be...Its awesome to have ur own home, and i actually enjoy cleaning LMAO (shock horror) hehe...And I'm love love loving swimming in my pool, i have even done a nudie dip hehehe (soon i will be able to call it a "skinny" dip) lol...
As for my food, it has been pretty good, bar the late night nibbles, but I'm kind of being alot better and kinder to myself, drinking plenty of water,swimming heaps , eating less etc.... preparing for my journey......
I'm off to bed soon....just had to share the GREAT news :)

Transition....

Well Bloggers, i know i have been very quiet...Thats because i have been busy moving into my new house with my Fiance!!! :) YAY!!! Got the keys on Wed, and spent all day Thursday cleaning the house, ready to move things in...It wasn't left in the best state, but mum and i blitzed it ;) Spent our first night here on Friday, was exciting and a little un-nerving at the same time, felt like i was at a sleep over,lol. And now here i sit, on our new couch, in our new house, which we are making into our HOME! Its such an amazing feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment!
And i have decided i'am waking up early tomorrow and going for a swim...Haven't had a chance to get in the pool as yet, been sooo busy, but tomorrow im in! hehe...Going to start doing laps and aqua aerobics, good excercise! I must confess that i'am a little anxious about going swimming, even though its in my own home, just the whole being in a swim suit drama, but im sure once im in i'll forget all about that!
Its crazy to think this is OUR HOME!!! We can decorate, renovate,etc how we like! Did a grocery shop today, needed pretty much everything and it wasn't cheap, but it was fun organising where i wanted to put everything,lol.
Its funny how things work out, i have been on a cancellation list with Dr Munro for a few months and got a phone call the day before we got the keys saying they had a cancellation for the wednesday at 2:45pm, did i want it?...But i couldn't take it because we were picking the keys up at 2:30pm, was a bit bummed at first, but then i realised OMG we are getting the keys to our home! And was more than happy to wait til March 10, which seems to be coming around rather fast... and im sooo excited for it! I want now more then ever to be Banded, and happier within myself! Its a very exciting concept, which will soon be reality! :>
2009 truly is My Year, and I'm going to take it and run with it...Can't wait to watch the New Nikki appear, from behind the layers of emotional and physical baggage iv carried for 24 years!
I miss my animals though, i have a cat, 2 dogs and a galah and i haven't brought them to the house as yet, have to fix up the fence for the dogs as next doors chooks are getting through he fence and i don't really want to be responsible for a chook running around with its head off lol...so hopefully i will have my "babies" here with us soon... I'm just glad my mum is taking such good care of them... And us, she has been such an ANGEL (especially with all she is going through right now) helping us get settled in and just BEING THERE,it has meant more to me & my Fiance than anything. Part of me is missing living there at the home where i grew up, but at the same time I'm looking forward to creating new memories, with my man, in our home!
I'm going to head to bed, I'm beat from all the moving and cleaning, but its looking great, well worth it!
Night all ;)

Today Is The Day! :>

Well, today is our BIG day...We get the keys to our HOME! Sooo exciting, to have our own beautiful home, and be in debt upto our ears LOL... It is a huge step for us and i'am so happy to be sharing it with such an amazing man! :)
Also i seem to be getting back on track with my eating, which is a good sign, and im feeling alot better within myself, not being mean and nasty to Me or thinking bad things!!! Big progress! Also had a phone call from Dr Munro's office yesterday, after all this time they have had me on the cancellations list and they finally have an opening, today at 2:45pm, but i unfortunately couldn't do it, because we are due to pick up the keys for the house at 2:30pm, spewin, but im in the right frame of mind and i can wait, March 10 isn't very far away now...And will be well worth the wait.
Its funny that moving forward in ur life can open up sooo many doors, and leave u feeling hopeful of the possibilities...Its a nice feeling.
I also got a real boost yesterday, i received confirmation from my work that i was accepted to go PPT, which will give me alot more stability and atleast when i go in for my Banding i will have paid time off, and more regular hours :> So YAY for me!
An elderly customer who fell over at work and i helped, and went and cleaned her house for gave me a beautiful card, in which she called me a "kind, angel", was so nice to hear that and see that i have helped someone...She also gave me an angel pin, very sweet...Its nice to know u have made a difference in someones life! :>
So im going to go finish packing and clearing out all the crap i have accumulated over the years....It feels really good to clear out ur cupboards, feels like it cleanses u as a person...
YAY...we bought a house!!! :) :) :)