Dreaming.....

So......Fellow Bloggers and Blog Followers, I'm curious...What is the most significant and amazing moment or feeling u have experienced since being Banded??? What has made u smile??? Feel proud, or excited???

For me, on this new journey I'm on, it has been feeling better about myself, having a sense of worth, achievement, pride and respect within myself and my body. And the new found ability to hold my head high, put my shoulders back and strut hahaha (kidding) but i do feel myself walking taller and with a bit more of a sway in my hips :)

Good times!!! :)

I'm also getting to listen to my body more, when I'm hungry, when I'm full and when I'm just wanting to eat for emotional comfort...Big step for me!

Going out now is also alot more fun, dancing more, and just being more outgoing in general...Plus I'm cheaper to take out for drinks now LOL...Finally I'm a relatively cheap drunk hahaha :o I'm also noticing that i feel so much more comfortable in a room full of people, no more hiding in the corner....Look out world Nikki is in da house!!!!! mwahahahaha ;),

Work tonight stressed me out something shocking, one person doing 5 jobs at once, well trying....very chaotic but i managed, and needed a smoke after lol!!! Damn boss, give me a pay rise LOL!

Got a big weekend and I'm fully booked for once, got my Brother's 40th Saturday and my mates farewell as well, so I'm doing a double "date" hehehe...then got my nieces netball presentation and my nephews soccer presentation on so i will be doing the mad dash in between! God I'm a good Aunty LOL.

I went to my mums house and picked up some of my old clothes, the Pre-Banding ones, as i realised i no longer have any summery clothes that fit...Mum suggested trying some of the clothes i had boxed up and put in the "someday i will fit them again" category. I was very doubtful they would fit, but to my utter surprise, they fit and some were actually loose! :o Great feeling.
I'm sooo excited, I'm now 1kg away from hitting 20kgs lost...Has come off so fast and with relatively no problems.... Had a something get stuck twice now, but it tends to go down after a few minutes, and i know that it has happened simply because i didn't chew enough. It's a good reminder, cause it bloody hurts LOL.
I need to plan my meals, have been eating well, but kinda on the run, which i need to change, sit down and plan what I'm taking to work, cooking for tea etc.
Well time for a cuppa tea and bed.... *Yawn* Night all!

Big Breaths!!!

Well lovely people, sorry for my last "blog" if u can call it that! I was just feeling sooo low, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and just plain tired...And needed to vent. My home/personal life has been such a rollercoaster and a bottomless pit of uncertainty...But perhaps things are about to change for the better...Time will tell.
I weighed in today 18.3kgs lost now! :) it's starting to sink in, a little LOL... I went out for a farewell dinner last night with my friends and was shocked everyone was commenting on how good i looked and how much happier in myself i'am, it was really nice and a little overwhelming LOL.
I made a comment like "iv only lost 18kgs so far" and my mate slapped me and said "ONLY 18kgs!!!!" Thats massive she said, and it kinda hit home that it is a great acheivement and that i should feel proud of myself and the effort iv put in! :) And u know what....I'AM!!! :) :) :)
Seems like for every person that is happy for u there is a person that is exceedingly jealous...so from now on no more 'haters' in my life! :p hehehe Haters LOL.
I haven't had any problems with eating or food wise and i'm feeling very liberated and in control, knowing im not on a "Diet" anymore and can eat pretty much what i want, in moderation and in smaller quantities is such a freeing experience.
Finally my thoughts are no longer consumed with food and it feels fantastic, im slowly taking back the reins!
Iv only had one instance where i decided,(against my better judgement) to eat brekky within half an hour of waking up, i only had around 2teaspoons of scrambled eggs and i felt it get a little stuck, was kind of like an instant heartburn/indigestion or reflux feeling, and it wouldn't go up or down, so i went it and stretched out on my bed, hands above head, and it went down within 5mins...But god damn as im sure all u Bandsters know it's not the best feeling in the world...I know how babies feel with reflux now LOL!
It's so amazing how most women (myself included) seem to lose our boobs first when we lose weight...Iv already dropped around 1 cup size or maybe half, but the "girls" are definately shrinking!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( Small price to pay i guess.
My mum took me shopping yesterday and bought me some gorgeous clothes, she is such a sweeti :) I was pleasantly surprised to find out that i fit into a size 18 people!!! :o Yes it was fitted but at this rate i won't be in them for long!
I was in shock and disbelief....Im really proud of myself for the first time in my life and i know that will continue to grow as i continue to shrink! ;) I also brought the cutest handbag and matching purse, very Ed Hardy stlye hehe :)
Thanku for ur kind words LapBandGirl....it's nice to know people care and are here to offer kind words, support,advice etc.
I hope people are still reading my blogs and enjoying them....Because the comments have been few and far between :( I really enjoy and appreciate all the support i have been given from ALL OF YOU! :) It makes my day and inspires me to push on...

FUCK IT!!!

FUCK IT ALL..............................................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

Iv had such an up and down few weeks, well months actually, but i feel renewed in some ways, must be the new Spring weather and the new sense of self im discovering! :) Iv decided to try to think as positively as possible and see if that brings good Karma with it LOL.



Im starting to see a real change in myself, my body shape is changing, my mindset is changing and the way i feel around people is changing.


I had my first Fill yesterday, went rather well i think, it wasn't as bad as i thought, more a weird feeling, kinda a bit icky LOL but over pretty quickly and he found my port first go! :) Although he did proceed to try to make chit chat with me as the seringe was hanging out of my gut :0 was a tad freaky LOL.


I officially have 3.5-4mls in my Pammy now and have noticed a slight change but he said it can take a couple of days to really feel it...



Im excited and oh so motivated, been gyming it and enjoying it, though i was slack last week, just felt really exhausted, but im back in the saddle again, im now soooo motivated and inspired to kick my butt into gear and really meet my Pammy half way! :)

Im feeling rather proud of myself too, am learning to accept myself, and compliments, which seem to be coming strong this past week LOL, its strange but great! :)

And i must say since i have been blogging this one post for around 3 days now,LOL i have found the fill is working, am eating smaller portions and going slow, nothing stuck or brought up....FINGERS CROSSED!

Iv also found inspiration in other peoples stories, and have recently come across a blog of a young woman in the states that has done sooo amazingly, doesn't vomit at all and is losing her weight and is very motivating and has some great recipes to share as she is a chef also,Lol. It's really enjoyable to read other peoples blogs and see where they have come from and are going :)

Had one chicken honey soy skewer and some vegies tonight was nice and i chew chew chewed it without an dramas and i even left something on my plate, im slowly learning u don't have to clear your plate off! *LIGHT BULB* LOL.

So i really haven't much else to tell but things are soooo up and down right now and im just along for the ride...Positive thinking Nikki!!! haha.

Focus....Focus...hehehe

Well i got quite the surprise today when i jumped on the scales, iv lost a Total of 16.6kg since the 20th of July!!! And i feel so much better for it already! :) I'm in shock that i have already lost around 20% of my excess weight and I'm well on my way...
I'm joining the gym tomorrow, my man went tonight to suss it out and said it was pretty good and the people seemed nice. $15 a week, no contracts and its close...I just want to start getting fit again, and focus on my overall health and well being more so then the weight....It's about the journey!
Plus i also need to keep myself busy and burn off some aggression and pent up emotions, with all that is going on lately it will be therapeutic! LOL...My main thing is getting my arse to the gym, once I'm there i actually enjoy it, so push push push on i must! ;),
I'm not going to do any Ab exercises for a few more months, give my tummy time to heal properly...I think i will just do plenty of cardio and light upper body and lower body weights for now...will aim for around 45mins-1hour Cardio and 15-30mins weights.
Today i totally forgot to eat until tea time, not good i know! I had my Berocca in the morning and then had to go out, i wasn't really hungry throughout the day but i did have 3 tequila sunrises LOL...and some left over noodle stir fry when i got home so i did eat and i even had a low fat yoghurt for dessert too LOL.
Yesterday was a hard day for me, being Father's Day...I always seem to get somber..went to the cemetery to see Dad after work, got there right on dusk and stayed til the stars were out, its funny, i feel more calm and safe there then i do anywhere else, even in the dark...It's such a gorgeous,majestic place, with rose gardens, lush grass, willow trees,waterfalls,bell birds and surrounded by mountains...Almost 16years on and i miss him more then ever, it's only now that it's easier in some way to deal with it and accept it! LOVE YOU DAD! xxx
So I'm thinking of going as a 1950's pin up girl or Dorothy from the W.O.O. or a hippy for my mates 50's & 60's fancy dress 21st....Any ideas people?
Is anyone still reading my blogs??? LOL Soooo quiet...where is everyone? ;),

grin and bear it....

Why is it that when things seem to be going ok, they go sour???!!! Iv had an odd day, started ok, then went down hill... Im tired of things and people pushing me, testing me, trying to break me!
Well i won't let them you hear me!!! Being an emotional eater makes it worse....especially when i came home to what i did tonight...All i wanted was something junky to devour and bury my feelings with! Im so frustrated, but proud i didn't eat anything...I need to learn to address my feelings and emotions and im really trying!
Im feeling rather low today for the first time since i got banded, not sure where my life is going, where im at emotionally, why im writing this! Whats the point!!!
I know tomorrow is a new day but fuck....can it get here already! Lol.
Eating today was ok...i couldv done better, but i did ok. Im also noticing that the more compliments im receiving, i think i may be self sabotaging myself, eating late at night, and feeling awkward when i get a compliment...Normal???
I just needed to vent...have no one to talk to right now so im blogging instead...
Bye for now...

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

Well im starting to notice my appetite increasing, quite alot...And some bad old habits are still lingering as well!


The habit of late night snacks after work, last night i had 2x mini chrunchies and 1x mini mars bar when i got home from work...It troubled me a little at first but you know what...Iv had these habits for 24years and they aren't about to just disappear because i have my Pammy, it will be a process and something i have to work on.


I know it's mainly habit, but it has to stop!


Im doing really well so i don't wanna focus soley on the negative and what im not doing so well on...i WILL get there! :)


People are also starting to notice, and it's more the men that are saying something about how well i look etc, It's doing wonders for my self esteem and helping me to keep on track.


I have my moments where i slip and i try not to beat myself up about it though...Just make tomorrow a new day!


So today im 28 days post op and my first Fill is at 2:10pm today...I decided to watch You Tube Uploads of a Band Fill, maybe not the best idea iv had, they looked darn painful and some Doctors took upto 5mins to locate the port :s which didn't look like the most pleasant experience LOL, but the people swear blind it doesn't really hurt... Feedback appreciated people hehe.


Im not a big sook but i don't like the idea of being a pin cushion either, but im sure i will be fine and it will be nothing bad, cause you can feel my port very easily so should be a bullseye LOL. Im looking forward to having a Fill and seeing and feeling the difference it makes in my hunger and portion sizes.




Iv also noticed that the "Mind Hunger" is the hardest thing to overcome, eating for the sake of it, because your bored, happy, sad, etc, it's very much a sub concious thing and it's a hard habit to break. Being aware is key though! Im starting to realise!


I think my main thing is not comparing myself to others progress or where i thought id be...I keep looking at how much iv lost and thinking is that enough, should it be more, etc??? But i have to look at how far iv come and keep focused on that!

So another thing is iv also noticed my periods seem to be more regular with just losing the weight i have, which is great, especially for someone who has never had a "normal" cycle in all her life! I can only imagine the other health benefits i will gain from having my Pammy :)

Im starting to think about the future also, especially getting married...Told my man and my mum that when i hit a size 16 im going wedding dress shopping, just to try some on and have a fun girly day...which isn't that far away, im in a size 20 now! :)

I have got to start being more consistent with my Food Diaries, one day i do them the next day i forget. They are such a great help and a good point of reference, it's confronting at times to see what your daily food intake is, if you are honest! LOL

Ok so this blog has been in the "process" for almost 2days now LOL...I went for my First Fill today, but didn't get it LOL.
Dr Munro was very happy with my progress and he said to me that i was in a good place, with my eating, hunger and weight loss and i didn't feel all that ready for one to be honest, so we both agreed that 2 weeks, sept 14th i shall be Filled hehe :)
In the mean time im planning better meals and making the most of the next 2 weeks, before i go back to see him, plenty of salads, healthy snacks, and starting to walk the dogs...So i get myself into "The Zone" before i have my Fill.
Hope people are still reading my blogs and enjoying them... More Food Diaries to come :)

"It's not the Destination...It's the Journey that counts"