Confronting...

Firstly, HAPPY HALLOWEEN, to all the ghouls out there! :>

U know what people....its funny how life is all about timing, the right place, moment, person, etc....And it's no different when it comes to accepting yourself and confronting all ur demons...

As i said in my previous blog, i seem to be consumed with Self Sabotage and also the fact of dealing with my new body and spirit that is emerging. I guess i assumed that with the weight loss my mind would catch up but it seems that our minds are our worst enemies at times....especially when it comes to body image!

I mean think about it, if u have been overweight for all or most of ur life it becomes like a security blanket, ur "shield" from the world and people, the only thing u have ever really known and the only body u feel safe in and are used to looking at...It's quite a world turner to start to see ur body change and to hear and see peoples reactions and to start to "REALLY" see yourself, for the first time!!!

I'm loving the changes but am a little scared of whats to come, the unknown, the realisation that I'm someone special and that I'm deserving of all things beautiful and amazing! :) Just got to get my head around that concept and i will be right...

Thanku to the 3 lovely ladies who wrote such supportive, kind and helpful words on my last blog, i appreciate it and its good to know that I'm not the only one struggling against "myself" at times...It helps to hear from people who are Wise Bandsters and gives me the push i need sometimes :)

One thing I'm noticing too is that my skin really needs to be toned :s years of stretching has really stretched and strained my skin, so i will have to do my best to fix it and whatever can't be done on my own i might have to see Mr Scalpel LOL...

Food wise, i think i need a spanking... I have been craving sweet things and giving into my cravings, (naughty Nikki!!!) and feeling like crap for it. I'm thinking i may need to start up my food diaries again and really pay attention to what keeps me fuller for longer.

Had some blood taken yesterday, just to see how things are going and how my hormone, iron etc levels are, as i have been sooo tired and sluggish lately, am thinking I'm lacking something, so be interesting to see results.

Whats happening in the Land Of Bloggers??? Everyone seems to be very quiet on the blogging and commenting department.... Cooee!!!!??? LOL.

I'm curious, does anyone have problems sleeping on their tummies since being banded? Does the Port get in the way?

Well really not alot to tell other then the fact that I'm buggered, did 9hours last night, finished at 1am, was in bed at 2:45am and then back at work at 9am ;s Not happy Jan!!!! 2 coffee's down, may require a 3rd lol!

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend and stays happy and safe. :) :) :)

self sabotage :s

Isn't it funny how u can be going so well, proud of urself, content with ur progress, then BANG....U sabotage urself!!! After cracking my 20 kilo goal, i seem to have subconsciously started to sabotage myself, eating crap late at night and just making bad decisions when it comes to food! Grrrrr. Its like u see how well u are going then freak out and start going backwards.

Has anyone else experienced this???

I think alot of it has to do with stress, and the fact that it is scary and exciting and daunting to lose weight and see ur body and spirit change and grow, its all new, especially if u have never been thin in ur whole life, its all new and unknown. So i think i just need to breathe and re-boot LOL. No more emotional eating (will try anyways).

So i finally had something stuck, choccy cake, must have been a sign not to eat it! LOL...God damn it hurt, i haven't PB'd anything since i got my Pammy, but the other night i had the munchies so attempted some choccy cake, must have not chewed enough and it got very stuck, wouldn't go down and wouldn't come up, even tried to bring it up but nothing budged. Hoping that doesn't happen again anytime soon, not pleasant.

Bloody fluid retention is playing havoc with my Pammy at the moment, making me bloated and craving anything sweet!!! Im thinking i may be due for a small fill, i just feel my portions may be a little big at times and that im more hungry in between meals, so i think i shall say Fill Me Up Buttercup hehe ;)

Narrowed down the Port pain i was having to lifting, seems whenever i lift anything reasonably heavy or push against something i end up tender around my port site, so im glad i know what it is and i feel a bit better...am more cautious now.

Im at work and am bored to tears, in the TAB, 2 customers and 5.5hrs to go :s JOY! LOL...
Well im off for now, not much to tell.
Why is everyone so damn quiet on here lately? :p Lol.

YIPEEEEEE!!!!! :)

I haven't blogged for a while, just had so much going on and honestly just didn't feel like it...but today i have some good news to share.
I haven't weighed myself for a while, so i thought id jump on this morning and to my surprise i have cracked the 20Kilo mark!!! :) One of my goals...im soooo stoked! Its made me even more motivated now....time to BRING IT!!! lol.
Id like to hit the 30kilo mark by my birthday in February and im pretty positive i can do that and maybe a little more :)
Funny how u have to get honest with urself at some stage! Iv been reverting back to my old ways a little lately and not making healthy good food choices, and lets just say i suffered for it, feeling sluggish and just like shit to be honest, so iv uped my vegie and slow cooked meats and am feeling better for it and im back onto the water, drinking around 1.5-2.5litres a day.
So how is everyone out there???? Very quiet....Is anybody out there??? LOL. ;p
How fast is the year going!!!??? And i can honestly say bring on 2010!
My man and i have had a really rough trot as of late and almost ended things :( Its just a really hard situation we are in at the moment and we never have any time together, just US...So tonight we are going out for dinner and seeing The Final Destination 3D :) am sooo looking forward to time together, and we can really talk and be close...I miss that soooo much.
Im starting to notice some insecurities coming out in my man as well, he is worried i will get "skinny" and leave him and he asks me why im wearing this and that, something he never did before, so im thinking that may need to be addressed before it escalates.
Not alot more to tell other then the fact that im on my way....slow and steady wins the race ;)
Take care all and enjoy ur day!

.....Time.....

Ok so my life right now seems to be all about timing...how fast time flies when you are focused, busy and pre occupied,LOL...My 2month Bandiversary has been and gone, and i can't believe it's been 2months already....WOW!!! :)
I was shocked to see over 12,000 Hits on my blog now :o Thankyou so much to all the people who read my blog, simply pass through and those who seem to leave me such beautiful and supportive comments, lifts me up and makes me smile!!! And when need be gives me a good kick up the butt ;),

I have been bad as of late, especially with my man gone, just eating whatever and felt like crap for it! I have been more aware of my choices and am getting my arse back in gear!!! WAKE UP NIKKI!!! LOL.
Mum also pointed out something to me that i wasn't sure if i was imagining things....lol...she said im more pale (more then usual) lol, and im thinking i may be lacking in iron, seen as though i haven't really eaten any red meat other then mince for atleast 3months :o so i might source some iron tabs or go to the doctors....Ideas??? Plus i also noticed that the past 2-3weeks my energy levels have depleated to nothing and im soooo sluggish, not sure why, perhaps iv hit the "hump"...
Im soooo looking forward to going away with the girls in November :) i need it! LOL 4 days with my crazy girlfriends mwahahahaha look out nelsons bay hehehe!!! Will be nice to have me time and relax, its been very hard lately looking after my FIL on my own for the last week as well and its full on!!! Im happy to have him here but sad and annoyed his daughter is an hour and a half away and hasn't bothered with him, or offered to give us a break!!! Anyways....
I haven't much to tell other then im taking more time, slowing down, and re-booting...
Until next mindless data entry...... :),