Thinking thinking thinking...

So... iv had a pretty normal day... cooked tea and cleaned the house before i went to work, damn i spoil my man lol...but he's worth it!
Got my friends funeral tomorrow, going to pay my respects then go to work straight after, i did have the day off, but now i have to work, funeral at 12, i start work at 1, so if im a tad late they will just have to deal with it. I have noticed though, that since sandy passed i have been eating heaps more, obviously emotional, but finding it really hard to stop myself, to say the least...it weird, like u know u shouldn't be eating it but u still do, its like a boxing match in ur own head!!! Quite draining, and frustrating.
Am going to do a ghost tour with my girl Biddy soon, and i can't wait, have wanted to do one for ages, and the fact that iam intuitive will be interesting to see how i react to the experience... want to do the sleep over there soon too, freaky lol.
Also its Halloween tomorrow, for those of u that live in a cave and don't know, im soooo stoked, i love Halloween, not so much the trick or treat thing but the past behind it and the fact that it is an eerie night ;) LET THE WITCHING HOUR BEGIN!!!
Oh and iam going to a info seminar/support group for pre and post banded peeps, should be fun and informative... Im going to make an appointment too to see the Doc that i will be getting banded with, just to get an idea of when i can actually get in to do it once iam approved and see what he thinks i should be doing in the meantime til i can be covered by my Health Fund!!! Just want it now, or better still yesterday....lol im sooo impatient.
So im guessing i should get to bed and get some rest hey....big day tomorrow....

Ohhh What A Night!!!

Went out with all my mates last night to the club to see the Kami's, they are this mad band from NZ...they rocked it!!! Was soooo awesome to get out with my mates finally, i never get a saturday off so i made quite the effort to enjoy it lol...and lets just say am feeling a little worse for wear today...but well worth it, my mates all work with me and they are such a crazy crew :>
I also got my sexy dress out of layby, am so excited, its the first time in ages i have tried something on and thought damn i look and feel super good in this... will have to learn how to post pics on here to show u all... Also layby'd a cute dress from crossroads which was a bit snug but not by much, a goal for me to reach :) I find its good to set goals..
Im realising that i really need to start making more of an attempt/effort to eat better and exercise...haven't really been doing anything lately and it shows... im avoiding the scales like they are the plague lol... but getting back on track ASAP!
A good friend of mine passed away yesterday,walked into the club(my work) and seen the notice, was sad, but she had been sooo sick with cancer so it was kind of a relief and blessing really, hope that doesn't sound terrible but it was...she was such a beautiful, strong, wacky woman, so we requested brown eyed girl and everyone got up and danced and laughed for her and thats exactly what she would have wanted :) Love you Sandy, i will miss you so much!!! xoxox know u will be around us all, watching what we do and smiling at us with that big cheeky smile of yours...
So for the moment thats all i can think of, due to my impaired brain function lol... I just know that i really need to pick myself up and push on with my lifestyle changes because iam lagging, and not feeling motivated, but i gotta do something!!! NOW!!!!
Bye for now....

HANGOVER BE GONE :p

hmm...frustrating

So why is it when u feel like u are getting somewhere it all comes crashing down on u?! Well im meant to be finishing my Course on thurs, and just finished a assignment, then yesterday at college they spring it on us that we have another 2 assignments to do, i said to my teacher why are u giving them to us now, did someone forget to give it to us earlier and she said yes, so now i have to do 2big assignments and post it back after the course finishes...mind u its due on the 4th of nov, so gunna be hard to get them done! And they also told me cause i missed 2days sick last week i now have to make them up mon tues, or i will have to wait til next year....SHIT!!! what about the other people who have missed weeks and haven't made it up!??? Meh...im over it!
And im sick today so am waiting for work to get back to me and let me know if they have covered my shift.... i just feel a bit low and like im flaling... but it will all pass.
So not alot is going on really apart from workin, study, trying to have a social life lol...
Iv started using my crystals, am loving it, used me green Howlite the other night to help me sleep and recall dreams, and find its actually working, i really believe crystals are a helpful and thereputic way to heal and to gain clarity....anyone else had any experiences with crystals? Im trying to get back in touch with my spiritual side,iv lost it along the way...
Going to start walking with Biddy soon, for support and a push, if this damn rain would stop, though i love it, its not good for encouraging enthusiasm,lol...
Ohh got girls day out with work on tues, and now im not sure if i can make it cause of the course days i have to make up, grrrr, and was so looking forward to going out and getting on it with the girls and letting loose,hehehe at the clubs expense hahaha....
As for my eating habits well lets just say they have gone on the back burner, as im emotionally consuming food,eeek, again... but trying not to dwell on it and just make improvements....will keep u all posted.
So things are looking like going backwards for the next few weeks but hey, im strong and i can take it on lol.... i hope...

thats all from To Be Me....eventually

Lookin Fly ;)

Well well well,
iv had a great day, went and got waxed, tinted and pampered, feel great....Then went to Westfield with my man for late night shopping, lay-by'd the cutest dresses....Am sooo STOKED, i got one that is super fly hahahaha...and my man actually gave me a big grin and said he loved one, which is a big surprise, u know how men can be when we take them shopping lol. And i felt sooo good in them both...will post pics when i get them out of lay-by....but damn they make big gals clothes soooo expensive, i mean seriously there isnt that much extra fabric, they just know we can't find much Nice stuff so we will fork out the money....i spent $380 on 3 items,eeek, but i deserve it. :> OMG i nearly forgot, i actually bought, wait for it....a pair of.....SWIMMERS!!!! Shock horror....the top was so cute and colourful and young,not like the old granny swimmers that are around, and i just need some boardies now... funny how i went from sooo scared of swimming in public, to buying a pair lol strange...still nervous of swimming infront of people other then my man and family, but i thought ohhh well, shouldn't let my size hold me back anymore....and im going tot try not to let it!
If i ever win lotto look out i will open the hottest shop and make it affordable and super stylish and sexy!
My man and i then went to lonestar for dinner, was nice to finally have some time together, and talk, laugh and be silly, i had a small carafe of wine with tea and it was yummy... hehe... i sound like a pisshead... my man also had some words to say about me getting banded, when i was going nuts buying clothes, he said that i shouldn't but too much caise in a few months i will be banded and shrinking rapidly lol... he also said that he is happy for me if i go ahead with it but he is nervous and wants to know more info about it, which i thought was really sweet, he is so supportive, and i will take hime to my first pre op consultation so he can find out more and ask any questions he may have :)I love him soooo much, am really lucky.
So i have been trying to have more of a positive attitude and it seems to be working... and goes to show that positive thoughts create positive things....
I really think things are starting to look up for me,finally! Look out world, im on my way To Be Me!!! :> :)

words of wisdom...

"Don't dream of what you want to be, be what you've always dreamed."- Annemarie Failla
I found this quote and loved it, thought it applied to me, or anyone with a dream....and with the journey i'am on i really related to it!
So iv had a good start to the week so far, nothing bad has happened and i'am back on track with my healthy eating regime... I finished my assignment for college, hope i do well in it...and soon i will have finished my course, yay, no more study.... :)
As for work, i have another busy week, and no weekend to myself.... my partner and i are getting along so much better, because i finally opened up and realised i need to let go of my hang ups....it will take time, but it will happen. Thankgod i have such a supportive man in my life, who is my lover and best friend...
Im going to get measured up for work shirts tomorrow, seen as though they dont stock anything larger then an 18 at my work and there are atleast4 gals who are over that size....
We are going to Jamberoo for a girls day out next week and well, im a tad nervous, to say the least, wasn't even going to go, i don't swim around people at all, especially socially, i actually haven't swam in years, and everyone was pressuring me at work to go and swim, im now trying to find a swimmers top and boardies, and will see how i feel on the day.... doubt i will go on any slides... This is why i need the band soooo bad, im sick of watching life and not participating in activities that deep down i would love to do... but have to make excuses or lie to cover up the real reason why...im embarassed, ashamed and so much more...
So thats it for now.... am having a mental block...

too much going on!!!

well well well...What a night!!! so after doing a 9hr shift last night and seeing someone get glassed in the eye, i got home after 1am to find my bro,mum and partner having a D&M, and i got a bombshell dropped, and iam sooo mad, and not sure what to do with my emotions.... some people are so selfish, and iam referring to my so called sis in law, she is the most selfish, cruel, manipulative, hypocritical person iv ever known... so anyways was up til 5am trying to talk to my bro and help him through his hard time and then woke up feeling ohh so emotionally drained today.... Iam feeling down, and also inadequate...
My partner has copped it this morning, and for some reason all my insecurities are coming out! I feel like because of my weight gain iam really unattractive, and wondering why he is with me, really negative and not good i know, but i can't seem to pull myself out of it. Im also worried that he will find someone else, though deep down i know thats not true! Our intimacy is non existent at the moment, mainly because of work patterns, life and me feeling insecure.... i just feel like iam pushing him away...
So iv had my little vent, i think thank fuck for blogs at times like these, because the irrational thoughts in my head are better put to paper(so to speak) then blurted out.... i do feel a little better now. thanks everyone for listening lol.
On the other hand had a great day with Bridgy on Thursday, went to Yum Cha, which was yummy, then shopping and found some nice summer clothes and watched bridgy buy a hot new dress and killer shoes, was stoked for her, she looked great!
So i think i really need a reading, some guidance or something... well I'm going to take this face mask off before it hardens too much... okie dokie.... bye for now...

what the future holds...

So things are starting to happen in my life...like the job offers, feeling postive about myself and food, planning to save for a house and start a family in the next 2yrs...all going to plan, hopefully.
Am starting to realise i need to get my PCOS under control and my weight in order for the family to come and even for me to feel like i could walk down the aisle when and if my man proposes... i don't want to even consider getting married at my current size! Couldn't bear to look back at the pics and be unhappy with myself....
I was kinda having doubts about the band, i guess just over thinking and freaking myself out a bit, with the what ifs etc...but think i'am just a bit scared...but spoke to a good mate and she calmed my nerves :) Its a huge decision but kinda an easy on because i know if i don't get help i will end up dead or wanting to be dead! Im ready to start living, might ring Dr Munro and see when he thinks i should have a consultation... only 9ish months til i can get my health insurance to cover it....bring it on... but in the mean time i want to keep being mindful of what i eat and keeping active and try to lose a little b4 i get my "Pammy"...
Ohh i found the cutest dress online for a wedding and the races but not sure if it will get here in time.... stressed lol.. does anyone know of any sites that sell young sexy modern clothes, have googled and looked at like 30 sites... maybe someone in the US knows some nice sites the big women over there always seem to dress sexy and hip...??? would really appreciate some help...
Im going to weigh myself tomorrow, the first time in 2weeks, we will see what appears, but am not going to obsess over the figure though, my clothes feel looser so that is a good sign...
Well to all my fellow bloggers, keep smiling and keep following my journey! :)

ahhh the Coast...

Well had an interesting night last night when my man and i went for our walk. In the street next to us we heard a car horn going off and seen flames, we ran, yes ran around the corner to find a car fully on fire, we rang the fire brigade, and watched it til they got there, was crazy how quickly it went up and then the tank boomed, scared the shit out of me! lol. I reckon someone had an insurance claim, or it was stolen, had QLD number plates on it,hmmmm strange... It was about the most exciting thing that has happened on the coast in ages lol, sad.
We went for a hour walk and my poor puppy was exhausted lol, but i felt quite good after it, and have been eating healthy so time to up my water intake...
I opened my email today to find that the Mine job i applied for months ago have sent me an email saying that they are really interested in me, another job offer, they are rolling in, but im a bit unsure if it is a scam as they want me to buy a $91 info pack of the jobs they have positions for and then they said they would contact me further, it just seems a little odd you have to pay for things before you even have the job? Any ideas??? Im just really needing to bring in some extra money to get my car loan down and thought this would be good, its $1200 a week, just for doing bar work...
So apart from that not much else is happening...sadly...im bored but going to go for a walk to coles to get some stuff for tea...
Ciao...