Ho Ho Ho....

Well i will say this straight off, i sooo wasn't in the mood for Chrissy this year, so many losses and family riffs this year that christmas without ALL the family wasn't christmas to me :( Not to mention my man's first christmas without his mum, so was kind of somber...but i tried to get into it a little... But to everyone out there, MERRY CHRISTMAS, hope it was a safe and happy day for all! :)
Have to say that my Mum's face was priceless and made my day, when she seen her present, we got her a gorgeous, choc Lab, she is adorable and made my day to see Mum soooo happy!!! She named her "Bella" because she is so beautiful. And she came all the way from Goulbourn, an 8hour round trip, but well worth it :)

I got the one thing i wanted for Chrissy, a Wii/Wii Fit...its freakin awesome...my man spoiled me, LOL, and i reckon the Wii Fit will really be great for me, its fun, and you can definately feel it. So iv heard that people are cancelling gym memberships because the Wii is so good, so im giving myself 3months of using it atleast 3times a week and see how it goes...combining a mix of aerobics,flexibility, and some yoga for the mind and body...will keep u posted on the Wiisults lol...

So i have set some mini goals, now that things are starting to seem reachable...



MY GOALS:

• Be more active.


• Next 5 kilos lost, go Horseriding


• Be under 100 kilos for my 25th Birthday (19th Feb 2010), 9.7 kilos to lose.


• Do a Harbour Bridge climb, when i get into DOUBLE DIGITS.


• Treat myself to something indulgent and just for me ...(im thinking massage or sexy lingerie ;)


• Sky Dive and do Body Suspension when i get to my goal!

Lots more goals to post but for now thats all i can drum up lol.

Im fast learning that setting small, achievable goals is a great way to stay motivated and reward yourself for al the hard work...Though i must say for me, it's been surprisingly easy so far (touch wood) LOL...I mean, yes, i do have to work with Pammy and stay focused but it doesn't consume me anymore, food, dieting, guilt, all are subsiding and im finally starting to look at myself in a whole new light! :)

My body is finally starting to change and i feel bones i never knew i had hehe...Looking forward to spending my Chrissy money on some much needed new clothes and bra's LOL...

Also noticing how my body is responding to shedding 28.3 kilos, my periods are regulated, my skin is clearing, Dr tested my hormones, liver, insuline etc, everything is now "normal", and i haven't heard that since i can remember, Dr also thinks my PCOS symptoms will be gone in the next 12-18months... :) so that in itself is more then enough reward and reason to have been united with my Pammy :) love you girl LOL... ;p

It's hard to explain what i mean, but it seems since being Banded, my mind has changed along with it, like now i have this "tool" to help me i no longer feel pressured etc, im not really trying too hard and im losing the weight, i stop when im full and i try to eat healthy (most of the time) LOL...I feel like a weight, in the literal and metaphorical sense has been lifted off me....i can breathe, i can be me, i can start to LIVE!!!

Movin on up....

Hello possums! ;), LOL. It has been a while...iv just had so much going on and everytime id start blogging i wouldn't get to finish, so here i'am...final attempt,LOL...

Yesterday was 4months Banded for me, and i have to say it was a rather reflective day indeed! Decided to sort through my wardrobe and clear out what fit and what didn't...To my surprise, there was alot more to keep then i thought :) found a couple of gorgeous satin dresses that id bought and never worn (didn't fit), and was nervous to try them...THEY FIT!!!! Iv FINALLY started to see and realise just how far iv come and how much my body is changing.

Im starting to see why all those "skinny" girls love shopping so much...im looking more and more forward to doing that massive shop at the end of my journey, might be time to invest in a credit card LOL! ;p

Had alot going on in my personal life and lets just say it's been rocky, but im trying to keep positive and push on...Whatever will be will be right!

Four months have really flown by and i received a letter from my Dietician, saying iv probably had 2 or 3 Fills by now, but in my case iv only had 1...And im starting to feel like maybe i should have had more or should be doing more, but my weightloss is still steady and my portions are still good, so im not sure if i need more or not...Suggestions, advice, etc welcome :)

I did make an appointment for December 14 for a Fill, but im not sure if i need it or how much i should have...Im thinking only .5-1 ml??? Im thinking i may wait til the New Year...

The main thing i need to work on is eating more salads, fresh fruit and veg etc and workin more protein into my diet but i think im doing pretty good...Am starting to pay more attention to the foods that fill me up and keep me full and it helps alot...Also MUST UP my WATER intake, iv slacked off! Naughty Nikki!!! *smack*... And excercising more!!!

Have picked out mums puppy for her for Chrissy (shhhh, she doesn't know) LOL...Shes a gorgeous chocolate labrador and is sooo friendly and affectionate and darn adorable...My man and i drove 4hours to pick her out and then are going to drive 2hours to pick her up on the 19th :) And i get to babysit til Christmas day yay!!! :)
Well on that note im off to bed...But im happy to be back and fighting fit. xo

Awakening...

What a turbulent year, especially the last few months! Had a few big discussions with people yesterday, that were long overdue and shed alot of tears and truths yesterday...was a relief but also i still feel in limbo and i hate that! But all in good time, life is all about timing, so im learning.
Food and band wise everything is going pretty smoothly, plodding along and not much to report really...weight is still coming off slowly, and im not having any issues with my band, other then if i drink too fast i get shoulder tip pain, i noticed i got it when i had a few beers on saturday...But i know i could speed things up with some excercise, which i will, but currently don't have the time or energy to commit myself, so after Chrissy im hooking in! :) LOL.
Someone made a comment about the fact that iv only had one fill of 4mls in my band since September, but i really don't feel the need to go back as yet, im still only eating off a bread n butter plate, not hungry in between meals and am not PBing etc, so im rather content with where im at and my progress :) Just seemed like as a banded person they felt the need to tell me where they thought i should be! Lol...i don't fall for peer pressure anymore :p hehe.
Am going to get my mum a choc lab puppy for Chrissy, and surprise her, she's always wanted one and i found the most gorgeous litter, soooo freakin cute, but around 6hours away :s but i will go the distance for my mum, heck it's the least i can do xox Plus i get to babysit it til chrissy :) yay!
Next week i go to Pearl Jam and then go away for 4days with my Ladies :) should be excellent, nice private cabin, with pool, and plenty of cocktails hehe ;) And it will just be good to destress, no man, no work, no drama's, just chill, god knows i need it! ME TIME!!! LOL...
Seen Nickleback and Static X last week, OMG, soooo amazing, had no voice and could barely move my neck after all that but i had the best time! Music moves my soul!!!
Well im off here now to enjoy the gorgeous day before work.
To all in Bloggerland, smile, be safe and have fun.... Drop me a line sometime :)

HAPPY BAND DAY TO ME (& PAMMY) :)

What a great day iv had! Can hardly believe it's already been 3 months since i made the choice, to save myself and my life and take control!!! And the day i met my Pammy :) 22Kilos down so far and "really" starting to see it.
Had a customer iv known for years say to me tonight "OMG Nik, u have lost so much weight, u look fantastic" she said she wanted to say something to me ages ago but wasn't sure if she should, lol, incase i was sick or something, even though i didn't look sick LOL, i told her she had made my night :) was very sweet and uplifting, and made me feel proud of myself! :)
It's amazing just how much i have changed inside as well, in such a short time, as my mate Bridgy and i were saying a while back, the Band does something to ur mind and spirit, but at the same time u have to meet ur band half way and make.
It's just been a very reflective day and also just all round good, balanced in the box at work Lol, had fun, and was just a good day :)
Two days off, YAY!!!! Tomorrow im going out for lunch for my mates Birthday and it could get messy LOL, really looking forward to chilling out with my mates and a few quiet ones, or alot hehehe ;),
I think friday shall be a day of relaxing and possibly a night of BBQ's with my friends and family...and swimming! Yes folks u heard right!!! Im swimming!!! Can u believe it!!?? I can't!!! It's awesome, i bought a cute pair of swimmers which are really flattering and i feel rather comfy swimming in my own pool with people around and i didn't think i would..I can't believe i let myself miss out on something i love soooo much for sooo long!!! NEVER AGAIN! The real test will be in a few weeks, when i go away with my Ladie's to a resort, me, strangers, swimmers, hmmm...Ahhh fuck it hehehe Piece of cake, so to speak LOL. :),
Food has been really good the past couple of days, but bad that i haven't really eaten alot, not because i can't, just because of the heat and not really feeling hungry...It's funny how i used to eat even when not hungry, i felt i had to, or i was missing something, and don't get me wrong i occasionally have the odd too much too eat , especially sweets, but with my Pammy i'am limited still so it's not anywhere near where i was pre banding.
Was going through some old papers and found an affirmation a Reiki Master i knew years ago told me to say every morning... "I'am Love and i'am Choosing to Love and Approve of Myself " I have started saying it and it resonates with me...hope it does with someone else out there too...especially women, we need to love and approve of ourselves!!! We Deserve it! xox

Confronting...

Firstly, HAPPY HALLOWEEN, to all the ghouls out there! :>

U know what people....its funny how life is all about timing, the right place, moment, person, etc....And it's no different when it comes to accepting yourself and confronting all ur demons...

As i said in my previous blog, i seem to be consumed with Self Sabotage and also the fact of dealing with my new body and spirit that is emerging. I guess i assumed that with the weight loss my mind would catch up but it seems that our minds are our worst enemies at times....especially when it comes to body image!

I mean think about it, if u have been overweight for all or most of ur life it becomes like a security blanket, ur "shield" from the world and people, the only thing u have ever really known and the only body u feel safe in and are used to looking at...It's quite a world turner to start to see ur body change and to hear and see peoples reactions and to start to "REALLY" see yourself, for the first time!!!

I'm loving the changes but am a little scared of whats to come, the unknown, the realisation that I'm someone special and that I'm deserving of all things beautiful and amazing! :) Just got to get my head around that concept and i will be right...

Thanku to the 3 lovely ladies who wrote such supportive, kind and helpful words on my last blog, i appreciate it and its good to know that I'm not the only one struggling against "myself" at times...It helps to hear from people who are Wise Bandsters and gives me the push i need sometimes :)

One thing I'm noticing too is that my skin really needs to be toned :s years of stretching has really stretched and strained my skin, so i will have to do my best to fix it and whatever can't be done on my own i might have to see Mr Scalpel LOL...

Food wise, i think i need a spanking... I have been craving sweet things and giving into my cravings, (naughty Nikki!!!) and feeling like crap for it. I'm thinking i may need to start up my food diaries again and really pay attention to what keeps me fuller for longer.

Had some blood taken yesterday, just to see how things are going and how my hormone, iron etc levels are, as i have been sooo tired and sluggish lately, am thinking I'm lacking something, so be interesting to see results.

Whats happening in the Land Of Bloggers??? Everyone seems to be very quiet on the blogging and commenting department.... Cooee!!!!??? LOL.

I'm curious, does anyone have problems sleeping on their tummies since being banded? Does the Port get in the way?

Well really not alot to tell other then the fact that I'm buggered, did 9hours last night, finished at 1am, was in bed at 2:45am and then back at work at 9am ;s Not happy Jan!!!! 2 coffee's down, may require a 3rd lol!

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend and stays happy and safe. :) :) :)

self sabotage :s

Isn't it funny how u can be going so well, proud of urself, content with ur progress, then BANG....U sabotage urself!!! After cracking my 20 kilo goal, i seem to have subconsciously started to sabotage myself, eating crap late at night and just making bad decisions when it comes to food! Grrrrr. Its like u see how well u are going then freak out and start going backwards.

Has anyone else experienced this???

I think alot of it has to do with stress, and the fact that it is scary and exciting and daunting to lose weight and see ur body and spirit change and grow, its all new, especially if u have never been thin in ur whole life, its all new and unknown. So i think i just need to breathe and re-boot LOL. No more emotional eating (will try anyways).

So i finally had something stuck, choccy cake, must have been a sign not to eat it! LOL...God damn it hurt, i haven't PB'd anything since i got my Pammy, but the other night i had the munchies so attempted some choccy cake, must have not chewed enough and it got very stuck, wouldn't go down and wouldn't come up, even tried to bring it up but nothing budged. Hoping that doesn't happen again anytime soon, not pleasant.

Bloody fluid retention is playing havoc with my Pammy at the moment, making me bloated and craving anything sweet!!! Im thinking i may be due for a small fill, i just feel my portions may be a little big at times and that im more hungry in between meals, so i think i shall say Fill Me Up Buttercup hehe ;)

Narrowed down the Port pain i was having to lifting, seems whenever i lift anything reasonably heavy or push against something i end up tender around my port site, so im glad i know what it is and i feel a bit better...am more cautious now.

Im at work and am bored to tears, in the TAB, 2 customers and 5.5hrs to go :s JOY! LOL...
Well im off for now, not much to tell.
Why is everyone so damn quiet on here lately? :p Lol.

YIPEEEEEE!!!!! :)

I haven't blogged for a while, just had so much going on and honestly just didn't feel like it...but today i have some good news to share.
I haven't weighed myself for a while, so i thought id jump on this morning and to my surprise i have cracked the 20Kilo mark!!! :) One of my goals...im soooo stoked! Its made me even more motivated now....time to BRING IT!!! lol.
Id like to hit the 30kilo mark by my birthday in February and im pretty positive i can do that and maybe a little more :)
Funny how u have to get honest with urself at some stage! Iv been reverting back to my old ways a little lately and not making healthy good food choices, and lets just say i suffered for it, feeling sluggish and just like shit to be honest, so iv uped my vegie and slow cooked meats and am feeling better for it and im back onto the water, drinking around 1.5-2.5litres a day.
So how is everyone out there???? Very quiet....Is anybody out there??? LOL. ;p
How fast is the year going!!!??? And i can honestly say bring on 2010!
My man and i have had a really rough trot as of late and almost ended things :( Its just a really hard situation we are in at the moment and we never have any time together, just US...So tonight we are going out for dinner and seeing The Final Destination 3D :) am sooo looking forward to time together, and we can really talk and be close...I miss that soooo much.
Im starting to notice some insecurities coming out in my man as well, he is worried i will get "skinny" and leave him and he asks me why im wearing this and that, something he never did before, so im thinking that may need to be addressed before it escalates.
Not alot more to tell other then the fact that im on my way....slow and steady wins the race ;)
Take care all and enjoy ur day!

.....Time.....

Ok so my life right now seems to be all about timing...how fast time flies when you are focused, busy and pre occupied,LOL...My 2month Bandiversary has been and gone, and i can't believe it's been 2months already....WOW!!! :)
I was shocked to see over 12,000 Hits on my blog now :o Thankyou so much to all the people who read my blog, simply pass through and those who seem to leave me such beautiful and supportive comments, lifts me up and makes me smile!!! And when need be gives me a good kick up the butt ;),

I have been bad as of late, especially with my man gone, just eating whatever and felt like crap for it! I have been more aware of my choices and am getting my arse back in gear!!! WAKE UP NIKKI!!! LOL.
Mum also pointed out something to me that i wasn't sure if i was imagining things....lol...she said im more pale (more then usual) lol, and im thinking i may be lacking in iron, seen as though i haven't really eaten any red meat other then mince for atleast 3months :o so i might source some iron tabs or go to the doctors....Ideas??? Plus i also noticed that the past 2-3weeks my energy levels have depleated to nothing and im soooo sluggish, not sure why, perhaps iv hit the "hump"...
Im soooo looking forward to going away with the girls in November :) i need it! LOL 4 days with my crazy girlfriends mwahahahaha look out nelsons bay hehehe!!! Will be nice to have me time and relax, its been very hard lately looking after my FIL on my own for the last week as well and its full on!!! Im happy to have him here but sad and annoyed his daughter is an hour and a half away and hasn't bothered with him, or offered to give us a break!!! Anyways....
I haven't much to tell other then im taking more time, slowing down, and re-booting...
Until next mindless data entry...... :),

Dreaming.....

So......Fellow Bloggers and Blog Followers, I'm curious...What is the most significant and amazing moment or feeling u have experienced since being Banded??? What has made u smile??? Feel proud, or excited???

For me, on this new journey I'm on, it has been feeling better about myself, having a sense of worth, achievement, pride and respect within myself and my body. And the new found ability to hold my head high, put my shoulders back and strut hahaha (kidding) but i do feel myself walking taller and with a bit more of a sway in my hips :)

Good times!!! :)

I'm also getting to listen to my body more, when I'm hungry, when I'm full and when I'm just wanting to eat for emotional comfort...Big step for me!

Going out now is also alot more fun, dancing more, and just being more outgoing in general...Plus I'm cheaper to take out for drinks now LOL...Finally I'm a relatively cheap drunk hahaha :o I'm also noticing that i feel so much more comfortable in a room full of people, no more hiding in the corner....Look out world Nikki is in da house!!!!! mwahahahaha ;),

Work tonight stressed me out something shocking, one person doing 5 jobs at once, well trying....very chaotic but i managed, and needed a smoke after lol!!! Damn boss, give me a pay rise LOL!

Got a big weekend and I'm fully booked for once, got my Brother's 40th Saturday and my mates farewell as well, so I'm doing a double "date" hehehe...then got my nieces netball presentation and my nephews soccer presentation on so i will be doing the mad dash in between! God I'm a good Aunty LOL.

I went to my mums house and picked up some of my old clothes, the Pre-Banding ones, as i realised i no longer have any summery clothes that fit...Mum suggested trying some of the clothes i had boxed up and put in the "someday i will fit them again" category. I was very doubtful they would fit, but to my utter surprise, they fit and some were actually loose! :o Great feeling.
I'm sooo excited, I'm now 1kg away from hitting 20kgs lost...Has come off so fast and with relatively no problems.... Had a something get stuck twice now, but it tends to go down after a few minutes, and i know that it has happened simply because i didn't chew enough. It's a good reminder, cause it bloody hurts LOL.
I need to plan my meals, have been eating well, but kinda on the run, which i need to change, sit down and plan what I'm taking to work, cooking for tea etc.
Well time for a cuppa tea and bed.... *Yawn* Night all!

Big Breaths!!!

Well lovely people, sorry for my last "blog" if u can call it that! I was just feeling sooo low, emotionally and mentally exhausted, and just plain tired...And needed to vent. My home/personal life has been such a rollercoaster and a bottomless pit of uncertainty...But perhaps things are about to change for the better...Time will tell.
I weighed in today 18.3kgs lost now! :) it's starting to sink in, a little LOL... I went out for a farewell dinner last night with my friends and was shocked everyone was commenting on how good i looked and how much happier in myself i'am, it was really nice and a little overwhelming LOL.
I made a comment like "iv only lost 18kgs so far" and my mate slapped me and said "ONLY 18kgs!!!!" Thats massive she said, and it kinda hit home that it is a great acheivement and that i should feel proud of myself and the effort iv put in! :) And u know what....I'AM!!! :) :) :)
Seems like for every person that is happy for u there is a person that is exceedingly jealous...so from now on no more 'haters' in my life! :p hehehe Haters LOL.
I haven't had any problems with eating or food wise and i'm feeling very liberated and in control, knowing im not on a "Diet" anymore and can eat pretty much what i want, in moderation and in smaller quantities is such a freeing experience.
Finally my thoughts are no longer consumed with food and it feels fantastic, im slowly taking back the reins!
Iv only had one instance where i decided,(against my better judgement) to eat brekky within half an hour of waking up, i only had around 2teaspoons of scrambled eggs and i felt it get a little stuck, was kind of like an instant heartburn/indigestion or reflux feeling, and it wouldn't go up or down, so i went it and stretched out on my bed, hands above head, and it went down within 5mins...But god damn as im sure all u Bandsters know it's not the best feeling in the world...I know how babies feel with reflux now LOL!
It's so amazing how most women (myself included) seem to lose our boobs first when we lose weight...Iv already dropped around 1 cup size or maybe half, but the "girls" are definately shrinking!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( Small price to pay i guess.
My mum took me shopping yesterday and bought me some gorgeous clothes, she is such a sweeti :) I was pleasantly surprised to find out that i fit into a size 18 people!!! :o Yes it was fitted but at this rate i won't be in them for long!
I was in shock and disbelief....Im really proud of myself for the first time in my life and i know that will continue to grow as i continue to shrink! ;) I also brought the cutest handbag and matching purse, very Ed Hardy stlye hehe :)
Thanku for ur kind words LapBandGirl....it's nice to know people care and are here to offer kind words, support,advice etc.
I hope people are still reading my blogs and enjoying them....Because the comments have been few and far between :( I really enjoy and appreciate all the support i have been given from ALL OF YOU! :) It makes my day and inspires me to push on...

FUCK IT!!!

FUCK IT ALL..............................................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

Iv had such an up and down few weeks, well months actually, but i feel renewed in some ways, must be the new Spring weather and the new sense of self im discovering! :) Iv decided to try to think as positively as possible and see if that brings good Karma with it LOL.



Im starting to see a real change in myself, my body shape is changing, my mindset is changing and the way i feel around people is changing.


I had my first Fill yesterday, went rather well i think, it wasn't as bad as i thought, more a weird feeling, kinda a bit icky LOL but over pretty quickly and he found my port first go! :) Although he did proceed to try to make chit chat with me as the seringe was hanging out of my gut :0 was a tad freaky LOL.


I officially have 3.5-4mls in my Pammy now and have noticed a slight change but he said it can take a couple of days to really feel it...



Im excited and oh so motivated, been gyming it and enjoying it, though i was slack last week, just felt really exhausted, but im back in the saddle again, im now soooo motivated and inspired to kick my butt into gear and really meet my Pammy half way! :)

Im feeling rather proud of myself too, am learning to accept myself, and compliments, which seem to be coming strong this past week LOL, its strange but great! :)

And i must say since i have been blogging this one post for around 3 days now,LOL i have found the fill is working, am eating smaller portions and going slow, nothing stuck or brought up....FINGERS CROSSED!

Iv also found inspiration in other peoples stories, and have recently come across a blog of a young woman in the states that has done sooo amazingly, doesn't vomit at all and is losing her weight and is very motivating and has some great recipes to share as she is a chef also,Lol. It's really enjoyable to read other peoples blogs and see where they have come from and are going :)

Had one chicken honey soy skewer and some vegies tonight was nice and i chew chew chewed it without an dramas and i even left something on my plate, im slowly learning u don't have to clear your plate off! *LIGHT BULB* LOL.

So i really haven't much else to tell but things are soooo up and down right now and im just along for the ride...Positive thinking Nikki!!! haha.

Focus....Focus...hehehe

Well i got quite the surprise today when i jumped on the scales, iv lost a Total of 16.6kg since the 20th of July!!! And i feel so much better for it already! :) I'm in shock that i have already lost around 20% of my excess weight and I'm well on my way...
I'm joining the gym tomorrow, my man went tonight to suss it out and said it was pretty good and the people seemed nice. $15 a week, no contracts and its close...I just want to start getting fit again, and focus on my overall health and well being more so then the weight....It's about the journey!
Plus i also need to keep myself busy and burn off some aggression and pent up emotions, with all that is going on lately it will be therapeutic! LOL...My main thing is getting my arse to the gym, once I'm there i actually enjoy it, so push push push on i must! ;),
I'm not going to do any Ab exercises for a few more months, give my tummy time to heal properly...I think i will just do plenty of cardio and light upper body and lower body weights for now...will aim for around 45mins-1hour Cardio and 15-30mins weights.
Today i totally forgot to eat until tea time, not good i know! I had my Berocca in the morning and then had to go out, i wasn't really hungry throughout the day but i did have 3 tequila sunrises LOL...and some left over noodle stir fry when i got home so i did eat and i even had a low fat yoghurt for dessert too LOL.
Yesterday was a hard day for me, being Father's Day...I always seem to get somber..went to the cemetery to see Dad after work, got there right on dusk and stayed til the stars were out, its funny, i feel more calm and safe there then i do anywhere else, even in the dark...It's such a gorgeous,majestic place, with rose gardens, lush grass, willow trees,waterfalls,bell birds and surrounded by mountains...Almost 16years on and i miss him more then ever, it's only now that it's easier in some way to deal with it and accept it! LOVE YOU DAD! xxx
So I'm thinking of going as a 1950's pin up girl or Dorothy from the W.O.O. or a hippy for my mates 50's & 60's fancy dress 21st....Any ideas people?
Is anyone still reading my blogs??? LOL Soooo quiet...where is everyone? ;),

grin and bear it....

Why is it that when things seem to be going ok, they go sour???!!! Iv had an odd day, started ok, then went down hill... Im tired of things and people pushing me, testing me, trying to break me!
Well i won't let them you hear me!!! Being an emotional eater makes it worse....especially when i came home to what i did tonight...All i wanted was something junky to devour and bury my feelings with! Im so frustrated, but proud i didn't eat anything...I need to learn to address my feelings and emotions and im really trying!
Im feeling rather low today for the first time since i got banded, not sure where my life is going, where im at emotionally, why im writing this! Whats the point!!!
I know tomorrow is a new day but fuck....can it get here already! Lol.
Eating today was ok...i couldv done better, but i did ok. Im also noticing that the more compliments im receiving, i think i may be self sabotaging myself, eating late at night, and feeling awkward when i get a compliment...Normal???
I just needed to vent...have no one to talk to right now so im blogging instead...
Bye for now...

Fill Me Up Buttercup!!!

Well im starting to notice my appetite increasing, quite alot...And some bad old habits are still lingering as well!


The habit of late night snacks after work, last night i had 2x mini chrunchies and 1x mini mars bar when i got home from work...It troubled me a little at first but you know what...Iv had these habits for 24years and they aren't about to just disappear because i have my Pammy, it will be a process and something i have to work on.


I know it's mainly habit, but it has to stop!


Im doing really well so i don't wanna focus soley on the negative and what im not doing so well on...i WILL get there! :)


People are also starting to notice, and it's more the men that are saying something about how well i look etc, It's doing wonders for my self esteem and helping me to keep on track.


I have my moments where i slip and i try not to beat myself up about it though...Just make tomorrow a new day!


So today im 28 days post op and my first Fill is at 2:10pm today...I decided to watch You Tube Uploads of a Band Fill, maybe not the best idea iv had, they looked darn painful and some Doctors took upto 5mins to locate the port :s which didn't look like the most pleasant experience LOL, but the people swear blind it doesn't really hurt... Feedback appreciated people hehe.


Im not a big sook but i don't like the idea of being a pin cushion either, but im sure i will be fine and it will be nothing bad, cause you can feel my port very easily so should be a bullseye LOL. Im looking forward to having a Fill and seeing and feeling the difference it makes in my hunger and portion sizes.




Iv also noticed that the "Mind Hunger" is the hardest thing to overcome, eating for the sake of it, because your bored, happy, sad, etc, it's very much a sub concious thing and it's a hard habit to break. Being aware is key though! Im starting to realise!


I think my main thing is not comparing myself to others progress or where i thought id be...I keep looking at how much iv lost and thinking is that enough, should it be more, etc??? But i have to look at how far iv come and keep focused on that!

So another thing is iv also noticed my periods seem to be more regular with just losing the weight i have, which is great, especially for someone who has never had a "normal" cycle in all her life! I can only imagine the other health benefits i will gain from having my Pammy :)

Im starting to think about the future also, especially getting married...Told my man and my mum that when i hit a size 16 im going wedding dress shopping, just to try some on and have a fun girly day...which isn't that far away, im in a size 20 now! :)

I have got to start being more consistent with my Food Diaries, one day i do them the next day i forget. They are such a great help and a good point of reference, it's confronting at times to see what your daily food intake is, if you are honest! LOL

Ok so this blog has been in the "process" for almost 2days now LOL...I went for my First Fill today, but didn't get it LOL.
Dr Munro was very happy with my progress and he said to me that i was in a good place, with my eating, hunger and weight loss and i didn't feel all that ready for one to be honest, so we both agreed that 2 weeks, sept 14th i shall be Filled hehe :)
In the mean time im planning better meals and making the most of the next 2 weeks, before i go back to see him, plenty of salads, healthy snacks, and starting to walk the dogs...So i get myself into "The Zone" before i have my Fill.
Hope people are still reading my blogs and enjoying them... More Food Diaries to come :)

"It's not the Destination...It's the Journey that counts"

Driven.....

So iv had a great weekend! I went back to work on Friday and i have to say i never thought id be happy to go back to work LOL...But i couldn't handle sitting still anymore and being able to socialise and be productive again is Fabulous!!! :)
It's quite amusing though, that even after being away for 3weeks, nothing has really changed.

People at work are making comments about how good, happy and healthy i look and they can see the change already, which is boosting me even more...aside from the fact i feel great, have alot more energy and my knees don't hurt as much as before (especially after a long shift) which is such a great start and it makes me excited for more kilos to drop off and my health, confidence and body image to grow! :)

I should have ordered a smaller uniform though (we were measured for them before i was Banded) because now it swims on me LOL. Oh well, that's a first for me and i love it hehe.

As for all my other clothes, they now swim on me, i have 2pairs of pants that fit me and i pulled out my Pre-Fiance clothes that no longer fitted me and they are now loose!!! Lol...So i may go Op Shopping soon and try to snag some cheapies to get me through for a while, lord knows i need them (but who's complaining)!!!

My Man and i and some mates have decided to join a gym, it's $15 a week, all classes, passes to 2 pools,a trainer and no locked in contract. So i shall give myself another month to pick up and recover fully then I'm hitting the gym and toning up this hot bod LMAO!!! ;),

Plus it will give my Man and i something to do together, when we can and make us both feel better about ourselves and give each other support and encouragement. I actually miss the gym so it will be great for me...

The thing is as I'm losing my weight I'm realising more and more it's not just about the "NUMBER" or what you look like, it's how you see yourself and feel about yourself, it's about becoming healthy and happy and feeling inspired within yourself, it's about making choices that benefit and drive you, not hinder you!

So I'm anticipating that this Journey iv embarked on will have me learning more about myself and my views then ever before!

I'm becoming more comfy with my port and feeling it under my skin, it freaked me out a tad a first LOL, just knowing something was there and being able to FEEL it sooo easily was a shock, but I'm liking it now lol....Its a part of me forever and Pammy's companion hehehe,

Have let a few friends feel it and they think it's pretty cool.
On the nipple front, all is good, healing well,looking great and i so wanna play with it hehe, not to mention my Fiance is chomping at the bit to have a touch etc.... ;), I want my other nipple done now though...piercings are so addictive for me LOL!

DAY 19

125ml Berocca
250ml Opti Shake
4 x Cruskits & Vegemite
1 cup Zucchini Slice
1 Jelly fruit cup
1 WW ice cream
850ml water

I'm also noticing that keeping track of what I'm eating allows me to have more control and to be aware of what I'm eating and how much...Iv found the last few days i have forgotten to eat at certain stages and it bothered me a little, not a good habit to form and it's mainly because i haven't felt hungry really, which is new and odd for me (but a great feeling)!

But I'm back on track and putting pen to paper, even bought myself a little notebook to carry with me, so no excuses!

Iv also noticed my hunger increasing slightly, as in the amounts i can eat...I'm not worried but it's a strange and surreal feeling to notice your food habits and knowing in myself when to STOP!!! I'm loving it! Though i know i will continue to learn from my mistakes and triumphs it's just a great feeling to feel like things are looking up and that I CAN & WILL do this, for none other than MYSELF! :)

Did i mention I'm getting my first Fill on September first, ironic huh, first Fill on the 1st LOL...I'm excited to see how it changes things. Not sure how much they add at first though???

Well I'm actually at work (it's sooooo DEAD) lol, so i guess i should go do some then hey hehehe.

I absolutely adore reading the comments left for me and would like to say a BIG THANK YOU to EVERYONE who is supporting me and enjoying following my journey! :)

Up and Down...

So iv had an up and down few days, mainly due to me not knowing when to STOP and take it easy!!! I think i overdid it at the car Rally on sunday and was in alot of pain early monday morning.... Im just sooo thankful i had my gorgeous man there to take care of me and he did, so well!!! :)
So iv been taking it easy all day today, not more running around doing shit, just plenty of rest! Especially cause im going back to work on Friday, and im not looking forward to it, after 3weeks off! Eeeeeeeeeeek LOL!
Im able to eat more, but don't think im eating enough though??? I tried Cruskits today and OMG, they are a god send, go down easy and give u a little healthy carbs, yummy with cream cheese and red onion n ham :> hehe.
So officially 14 days Post Op, this is todays consumption...(iv been slacking off on the food diaries, but getting back on track, for my own good) Lol....


Day 14

125ml Berocca
200ml Coffee
350ml Up & Go
4 Cruskits with L/F Cream cheese, ham n onion
Approx 1 cup Shepards Pie
1 WW ice cream
600ml water

I know i really need to up my fluid intake and drink more water, just forget at times lol...
Felt my port yesterday for the first time, kinda freaked me out a smidge, didn't expect to be able to feel it soooo easily, and its an odd feeling feeling something foreign inside u LOL... I love blood and gore but for some reason it kinda grossed me out LMAO :o
So i really don't have much to say people......One of those days....

I Did it!!! hehehe

Iv had a rather eventful day, i did it...I got my nipple pierced today...and it looks FABULOUS hehehe!!! I loved it too...was quick, and very painless, is more tender now that im braless lol and my shirt feels like sandpaper on it haha lmao!!!
Im just proud i did it, was something iv wanted for years and i finally did it :) Im obviously becoming more confident already and it's sooo FANTASTIC!
So i spent a few hours with my mate and her Gf, was fun and just mad to goof around and hang...Oh and i also picked up my engagement ring from the jewellers, it was getting cleaned and inspected for warranty, and looks ohhhh so shiney and new again :) I felt naked without it!
Im also starting to see and look forward to the future more and more especially getting married to my gorgeous Fiance and looking so forward to being a hot bride hehehe ;)
Todays intake....

DAY 11

125ml Berocca
250ml Opti Shake
500ml Water
350ml Boost L/F Smoothie
Approx 1-1/4cup soft Pasta
1/2cup fruit salad & WW ice cream

I know i was bad today, not enough fluids!!! LOL

Im doing some kind of charity rally thing tomorrow with my family, it's like a clue hunt and u go to check points and get points etc, sounds like fun anywho lol...Plus we are locals, got an advantage :),
Ok im off to have a shower and bathe my nipple hehehe and hit the sack for the big day tomorrow!!! ;) I will also remember to pack healthy snacks for myself, BE PREPARED! lol..

Content....

So it's Day 10 and im feeling soooo much better, and brighter in myself... Been getting out and about more, seein my mates and shops, not too much but just enough to get me doing something new and different.... And keep my sanity! Hehehe.
So my consumtion for today people's...

DAY 10

125ml Berocca
250ml Up & Go
250ml Chai Latte
1/2 cup Zuchinni Bake
600ml water (Yay, getting better)
Approx 1cup of soft tortellini with sauce
1/2 cup tin Fruit Salad & 1/4 cup L/F Custard
Freddo frog
200ml Mint Tea

So at the moment feeling very content with what im eating and how im progressing to fuller soft foods, and noticing wholegrain pasta keeps me full for longer...Its great to start to feel more in control of urself and the foods u eat...though i will admit i have noticed old habits trying to creep back in....I say NO!!! LOL...
I was soooo close to getting my Nipple pierced today people on a whim..but am going tomorrow now...Iv always wanted it done but today i just woke up and thought im doin it today :) hehehe i love spontenaity!!!
Am watching the footy now...Hmmm i don't like either team but i love the game so im watchin hehe.
Well it's short and sweet tonight all....Im going to go and chill out...
I gotta get these Pre Op pics posted!!! LOL :),

FREEDOM!!!!

Had quite a good day today people....slept in a little later then i planned, but got up and decided to go to the shoppies LOL. Brought some cool things (impulse purchases :s eeek) lol, got my niece the cutest hoodie (shes 11weeks) :) some incense, new hand towel for the bathroom, and wiper blades :) purple ones hehe.
Was just great to be out and about with the sunroof open and the music blaring! I just love to drive around, anywhere.
Ok so last night i tried about 1/2cup of VERY mushy lasagne, chew chew chewed it and it went down soooo well :) the pasta went down better then the mince ( had to chew it quite alot and lost it's flavour) lol. God it felt so good to just chew and have something other than a liquid LOL!
Im really happy with myself, im doing really well and thought to myself today my mind set has already started to change, im standing taller and holding my head higher each day...It's such an awesome feeling! :)
So today is Day 9, since Pammy and i were united in unholy wedlock from here on out.....

Day 9:

125ml Berocca
200ml Opti shake
Approx-1cup- Zucchini/veg eggy bake thing LOL (like a quiche without the cream and pastry)
1/4 tinned peaches + 1/4 L/F Custard
400ml water
200ml Mint & Green Tea

*Note to self.....Up the fluid intake*

So... tomorrow im going with my Bestie to "try" to play pool up the local, just for an hour or 2...Will be hard without a beer, id love one right now hehe...im not a big drinker, but knowing i can't have one yet is making me want one more LOL. :p
Thanku for all of YOUR supportive, kind, flattering and helpful comments and advice, you all know who you are...Keep em coming!!!
Im rather stoked!!! I tried on some of my old clothes that used to fit me about 3years ago (pre Fiance LOL) but haven't since...My FAV black button up dress thing with my Metal Patches all over it, and to my surprise...IT FIT (was a bit loose actually) :o im sooo happy, and was more happy when i tried on a few other things that were on my regular wearing record, they all fit!!! YAY!
Im now seeing this whole Journey could turn out to be rather expensive... So what! Im worth it!!! hehehe ;),
So im going to keep on updating my blogs more regularly now...for people to read and for my own sanity, helps alot!
I may jump on the scales tomorrow, im trying not to become too obsessive about "THE NUMBER" because i can see and feel that i have lost weight! My collarbones and cheekbones are becoming more prominent, it's Fabulous LOL never knew i had em hehe.
Well im going to relax for a while now and watch some idiot box...
Night all.................

ONE WEEK!!!!

So my first Pre Op visit went very well, i jumped on the scales and im officially 14.2kg down, one week Post Op! Im so very pleased....I know it will slow down but im riding the wave while it's going strong LOL :)
My dietician was very pleased with me and my progress and im finding that the food diary (well liquids at the moment) is a good thing for me, so i can visually see what im putting into my body and to make sure it's adequate,etc.
I also tried a little minestrone soup tonight, about half to 3/4 cup of it, was sooo yummy, and i chew chew chewed,LOL...Felt good to chew a little again!
Am feeling almost ready to start introducing some mushy foods in...Anyone got any ideas of some good mushy food, aside from vegies? LOL.
I got my Pearl Jam & Nickleback tickets today!!! So stoked!!! And by November i will be ready to Rock!!!
Overdid it a little today i think, driving too much too soon maybe...But im just going to take it easy tomorrow, got my good mates coming to see me, so that will be awesome....Good crew! :>
So if i can manage brekky soon, what do most people have...porridge, weet bix, etc???
Go for my first Fill on the 1st of September....Bit nervous but not really.... Hehe.. I took my bandages off today, they are so cute and small, and looking pretty good, i love looking at cuts etc, im a bit of a freak LMAO!
Im off for now...am pretty tired and not much else to tell...So stay tuned! :)

Realisations.......

I had a strange feeling today, it was a mixture of feelings really, of relief, hope, excitement, curiousity and some sorrow....Relief that i have made such an important and monumental decision in my life, for myself, to take control of my life, mind, & body and to LIVE!!!
The sorrow was for the Part of ME that im about to 'leave behind'...Sorrow for the years of taunting, feeling ashamed and embarassed and wanting to hide from the world (though i already felt invisible), of feeling a constant cycle of guilt and shame and anger when i ate, or when people would watch me eat, or when i'd sneak food and hide it as i devoured it ALL, feeling like i was with my "best friend" in the world and nothing could hurt me, food was my emotional "suit of armour" and i used it against myself for all these years, unbeknownst to myself...UNTIL NOW!!!
I know i will always remember the past because it is part of who i'am and part of why i'am where i'am now....but i hope to look back with pride and a huge smile someday soon, knowing iv come such a long way and have grown so much emotionally! :)
Im feeling very emotional (in a good way) and open today.... Can u tell? LOL! It's like iv had a "ligthbulb" moment.
Actually i think i had that moment last night at Mum's, we were watching TV and i went to get some water and without a thought i went to the pantry to look for something to eat.... I kind of stepped back when i realised what i was doing, just based on HABIT, i wasn't even remotely hungry and it really surprised me, that i just went there like a robot! Im glad i realised and have become more conscious of my actions and emotions...Loving it so far! :)
Im sooo excited!!!! Not sure if u all can tell or know, but im a bit, well a HUGE Metal gal (heavy metal music for those who don't know LOL) and im in heaven...My Bestie and i got tix today to see SLAYER & MEGADETH...And im getting tix for my Man and a few mates and my Brother to see NICKLEBACK & PEARL JAM tomorrow :> IM STOKED!!! Now all i need is for METALLICA to tour next year and i will be in Total Bliss!!! Hehehe.
Ok so more exciting news!!! I weighed today, i couldn't help myself, im not worried about it but i knew id lost more, as my clothes are getting loser already....Jumped on the scales, with a full tummy of food and clothes on tonight (i normally weigh in little or nothing at all LOL, shhhhhh) and to my surprise it said 125.5 kilos!!!!
Total loss since starting Opti Fast-July 20th (and getting my "Pammy" 6Days ago-August 4th) 12.1 kilos!!! I know iv got a ways to go yet, but im soooo Proud of myself for being so committed to my new way of living and most importantly myself...I CAN & WILL DO THIS!!!
Almost forgot...I went for a little drive to the video shop today, OMG was it good to get back a little piece of independence and freedom, though i'am a tad sore tonight...baby steps!
Well it's 12:08am people and its OFFICIALLY ONE WEEK Post Op!!! Goes fast!!! And today at 11:30 i have my first Post Op check up, hope im a good student LOL...
Thanks for reading and all ur support and kind words everyone, it really boosts me and makes me smile...
P.S... iv elected for another week off...im not pushing myself too hard too fast! :)

DAY 5.....

God it goes fast after ur Banded...5 days already and im still adjusting to Banded Life. Felt a little tightness and kind of an indigestion feeling, though im still on liquids... and wasn't able to drink as much yesterday either.... Im not stressing butit's all sooo NEW and when u aren't sure whats happening it can be a little scary LOL.
So here is what i consumed for Day 4...

DAY 4:
125ml Berocca
200ml Coffee
100ml L/F Yoghurt
200ml Water
250ml Cuppa Soup
150ml L/f Custard
200ml Mint Tea

I feel like im getting enough fluids, but m sooo over "drinking" give me something to chew, even for just a second LOL... It's odd how well u start to recover when u take time out for YOU, staying at Mum's has made things alot easier on me and given me some breathing room...Gotta LOVE your MUM!!! Im very lucky to have her around me and to be sooo close with her! :)
I don't think my man quite gets it yet, which is ok, it's new for him too...But he just seems to be soo hyper around me and in my face etc, kinda annoying lol, but he's trying so i shut up! He wants me to come home, but im not ready yet, need another day or 2 to rest and revitalise myself and i will go home.
Meant to go back to work saturday but not sure if i should or could, they gave me an 8hr shift in the TAB, on a Saturday (chaos) my first day back and i don't think i would handle it very well, so im thinking i will see how i feel closer to it and maybe ask for a few more days off...because iv only put in for 10days off, so maybe some more... What do u all think???
Iv noticed iv been holding my head higher since my Op, may sound odd but it's like i have this secret weapon that is boosting my confidence with every passing day...I have HOPE now!!! And FAITH, Faith in MYSELF and my capabilities, Faith that I CAN and WILL make this work for ME!!! :>
Ohh i haven't forgotten about my Pre Op pics people, just not sure how to load am up, will have to wait for my buddy B to get her arse over to help me revamp my Blog LOL...New me, new Blog hehe ;) It wasn't until i looked at the pics Mum took that i realised id lost weight already, the 10kgs i lost on Opti really was obvious, even though the pics were kinda hard to look at, i have to "Because u can't see where u are going, if u don't look at where u have been"...
I can't wait to have my old energy levelsback and then some so can be more motivated to do things LOL, but all in good time....iv gotta be patient, not my best asset hehehe...
Im off for a shower and then my Best mate is takin me out for a little while...FREEDOM!!!! hehehe......
Where is everyone??? Miss my comments and feedback etc....Sock it to me Peoples lol...(im such a dag) LMAO!!!

Rough Night...

Ok so thursday night was pretty rough, woke up in quite a bit of pain around 2am, and my man was wanting to take me up the hospital, but some peppermint tea and hot water bottle helped, i think it was the gas pains to be honest, as im kinda irregular LOL... But it was a little off putting.
Iv come to stay at my Mum's for a couple of days, i can't really rest at my house at the moment with everything going on around me and all the stress there, plus having FIL living there at the moment makes it a little harder. Im not being mean,but i just felt right now, a few days away is just what i need, to focus on me, and getting well and rested, call me selfish if u will but sometimes u have to be! Plus Mum has a bath tub :> hehehe.
I feel a little more refreshed today...Had around 8 hours sleep, am siping my morning coffee now,(even though its lunch time lol) and about to jump in a shower and wash my hair and then watch some movies.... RELAX!!! :)
So iv started to keep a "diary" of what im managing to drink on the fluids phase, to make sure im getting enough etc...So here is DAY 3 intake...
DAY 3: 125ml Berocca
250ml Low Fat Drinking Yoghurt
150ml Opti Shake
100ml water
250ml cuppa soup
200ml choc milk
200ml mint tea
4 small squares dark choc (sucked on)
This is what i consumed throughout the entire day, sipping very slowly...Is this too much, not enough??? Feedback and suggestions welcomed :) I plan to have more water now... It's all new and a huge learning curb for me....
Im soooo proud iv taken the first step towards making my life and myself the way i want to be and feel i'am deep down inside....This is something iv done JUST FOR ME, and it feels sooo liberating and fulfilling that i have!!! :>

Easy does it....

Well my fellow Bloggers, its day 2 Post Op and im not feeling too bad, apart from feeling really bloated and wanting to burp or fart but can't LMAO!!! I over did it little yesterday so im just going to slow down and go easy on myself...Be kind to myself, i have put my body through alot the past few days (and over the years)! And now it deserves a rest...
Im managing to drink/sip around 3-4cups of fluid throughout the day at the moment, maybe more, but i just feel sooo full after which is a good but odd feeling lol...I made myself a Opti shake today to sip on so it will give me the nutrients i need as well as some clear soups to have, but iv just gotta go slow...am a little nervous of PBing lol.
My incisions look ok i guess, but are still covered... Go back to Megan(dietician) next week so will be interested to see if she thinks im doing well so far. All of Dr Munro's team are sooo supportive and understanding, its great, would highly recommend them!!!
You know the funny thing is it still feels sooo surreal that im FINALLY Banded!!! I know i have been but im surprised at how im managing so far, i know its very early days but im doing good so far and learning everyday already! :)
Im running low on energy today people so i shall go lay down and watch some girly flicks ;) lol... After a nice hot shower :>

"Pammy" and i are home!!!

Well first day Post Op peoples and happy to say not in too much discomfort, mainly where my Port is is the most tender. I was at the Hospital at 7:30am and in theatre around 8:50am...remember waking up to them pulling the breathing tube out of my throat, was grose feeling LOL.
I can't believe im officially Banded with my (Pammy) :) She shall be my bestest friend from now on lol...All the waiting and now i'am done, my life will be an amazing,learning and self discovery journey for me! And i can't wait to learn and grow and love myself more!!!
Iv got Dvd's coming out my bum lol, thanks to some good mates who are looking after my entertainment needs hehe ;)
Iv had a 1/4 cup of coffee, 1/2 cup apple juice and sips of water so far today...So i take it this stage is anything that will fit through a straw??? Suggestions welcome...Can i have a optifast shake at the moment to sip on n fill me up?
I have some Pre Op pics (in my sexy green & white hosi gown) to put up here when i get a chance and work out how lol....Oh and a weightloss ticker!!!
Im actually very proud of myself for taking the first step to making a better me and a better life...I know i have a long ways to go but im committed 150% to MY PAMMY and MYSELF!!! :)
Thankyou to Dr Munro and all his surgical team and the staff at NGPH, for making my stay and recovery as pleasant as possible :>
Well im going to take some panadol(liquid) and watch some girly movies....
Keep following my progress and watching for new pics, measurements and weight/mind changes :)

Blink & u will miss it....

Well people, i got "the call" today!!! 7:30am at the Hospital tomorrow,OMG, its all soooo REAL now...I have this weird excited,nervous,anxious,happy,relieved, energy running through my veins! :) Plus i think the massage/reiki healing i had done today really helped to relax,centre and ground me, it was Fabulous :> hehe.
So i have my bag packed, my reading and listening material for the hospital and my own pillow to take(i always sleep better with it) LOL. Wasn't sure what to take to wear home, so took a summer dress thing and slippers, or thongs....
Thankyou so very much to everyone with all their supportive comments and words of advice and encouragement, means so much to me!!! :)
I really doubt i will sleep much if at all tonight...But i will try!
I honestly don't have much running through my head at the moment, which is strange for me LOL, i just felt the need to Blog and share what im feeling and to let u all know today is the last day of my life as i know it and tomorrow will be the start of LIFE and my brighter future....My how things will change....for the BETTER!!! :>
Im in my own world at the moment so everyone who is reading, do send me some sexy,happy,skinny well wishes/vibes hehehe ;),
I shall return shortly, with my "Pammy" YAY!!!

Come on Tuesday!!!

I had a really good night at work tonight, i even got a few compliments from my work mates, that i had lost weight and they could see it :> and most of them know im getting Banded so it's good,i have alot of support and people around me and 100% behind me, so it will help me alot!
I think it's finally hit me tonight...that the day iv been waiting for for so long is almost here :)Im getting butterflies in my stomach, more of excitement then anxiety, but i'am a little nervous/anxious...Just want it done LOL...2 DAYS people!!! :o
I weighed in today and i can't believe it...I was 137.6 when i started Opti Fast on the 20th of July and today i'am 127.5 so thats 10kg's,(well 10.1 to be exact lol) GONE, im in total shock!!! I didn't think i could do it,the Shakes that is, but i have and now im READY for the next phase of my journey :>
Iv even noticed my skin is much clearer since iv been on Opti Fast and drinking atleast 2ltr of water a day, plus all the vegies iv been eating, im vegied out LOL!
Im going to measure myself before Tuesday, so i can track my loss in inches as well, so i don't get reliant on my scales lol...
Iv also booked in for a massage on Monday, thought i really NEED and DESERVE one, especially before my surgery. Iv been sooo stressed and anxious and just run down the last few months and even more so these past 2 weeks, i need some ME time!
Got my camera batteries charging so i can get some Pre Op pics of me up on here....if i can work out how to do it... Lol
Night all.....

What a week!!!!

I can't begin to describe the rollercoaster week i have had!!!
On Sunday morning my Mother in law passed away, very suddenly...We live around an hour and a half away and we got there as fast as we could but she was gone! Seeing her that way was devastating and one of the hardest things i've had to deal with, not to mention holding back my own emotions, etc, to help my amazing man and his family!
After 44 years of marriage his Dad has lost his "best mate", and i feel for him soooo deeply...Though i know no words etc can ease the pain, so i will just be there for them, every step of the way!!! Having lost my Dad, of the same thing, when i was younger i know exactly how they are feeling and it takes time....ALOT of time!!!
I told my man his Dad can live with us, because i wouldn't see him on his own. It's going to be a big change for all of us, but it was not even an option for me to not have him here with us! Its quite ironic how death can bring people closer together and test relationships, but i feel it has only brought us closer together!
It really gets u thinking how precious, fragile and fleeting life truly is, here one day, gone the next, and that u really need to make EVERY single day count, make it special, do something new, tell those around u that u love them and to be happy, beacause life is just TOO SHORT!
On top of all this i started my Opti shakes on the monday, really great timing for an "emotional eater", though surprisingly i haven't really eaten much at all, and food is the furthest thing from my mind at the moment, which is probably a blessing in disguise for me!
I got a surprise today, iv lost 7 kilos :o OMG, i couldn't believe it, i was sooo happy, proud and shocked...And it hasn't even been a full week yet! Can't wait to see the end result after 2weeks of 'shaking" it lol!! :> Surprisingly im not finding the shakes that hard to take, i quite like them, lol :o though i need something other then vegie stir fry to eat people....im goin nuts with that side of it!!! Any suggestions or recipes to help make this stage a little easier would be greatly appreciated!!! :>
Only 10 days to go til my life changes and im more motivated, driven and determined then ever to make my "Pammy" work for and with me, and to be kinder to myself and my body....
As much as im doing this for myself, i also now feel like im doing it for my Mother in law & my Dad....to show them wherever they are that im going to live my life and be happy and give them plenty of grand kiddies to watch over and protect!
Life is short people.....so i will live by these words now... LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH, LEARN, GROW!!!
Keep watching for new posts and pre op pics!

It's like Christmas....

Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god!!!! Hurry up August 4th!!! LOL. Im going insane here(in a good way) ;), counting the days till i get Banded, the thoughts running through my head are vast and immense, and im surpised at just how excited i'am,it's like the Christmas Count down, but only its the BEST PRESENT EVER!!!....in my Best Friends words "I've never known anyone to be so excited to get cut up" lmao... She and i have an odd sense of humour.
But as i explained, its not that side of it,well maybe a little, LOL, its the excitement of finally giving myself a Chance, a TOOL(my 'Pammy'), to REALLY LIVE, and grow and learn about myself, my lifestyle and who i really am!
Because i'am starting to realise all iv missed out on, and all iv let myself miss out on, because of my weight, it's very confronting, yet liberating to finally start to address the issues behind my 'love' and 'loathing'of food and myself....And i know it will only grow more and more obvious as i shed the kilo's, the shame, the hiding and the guilt and start to see and be ME!!! :)
Mind u im not not dreading the Shakes faze too much just yet, oddly i know!!! ;o Im looking forward to it a little i think, because iv just been eating sooo much leading up to goin on the shakes on Monday the 20th, that i think it will do me good in a way to detox as such from food and bad foods at that!!!
We are going shopping tonight and we haven't written anything bad or fatty or sugary on our list, we are making a real effort to keep our home healthier and more Band friendly for me,both pre and post-op....If it ain't there u can't miss it (in theory) LOL!
One thing that is annoying me slightly, is the fact that i won't know EXACTLY whats happening til the day before my Op, which for me (i like to be in control) if u haven't noticed is really hard to swallow, i want and need to know what time i go in, what they want me to do, LOL, its just me being anxious/excited but i wanna know so i can get more excited... hehehe :) :) :)
Well im going to jump into bed shortly and warm up, its freezing here, must be snowing nearby!!!
Hope u r all enjoying my excited, nervous, jibberish. Well those who still even read my blogs LOL... Where's the love people??? LOL ;p

28 Days & Counting!!!!

Hey there, im back..... lol. I can't believe how long its been since i blogged :o time flies by so fast, especially with a new house and more hours at work and daily life, and my head has been focused on August 4th..... My BAND Day!!! :> :)
Its coming up sooooo fast, and i can hardly wait! I went through a period of feeling like maybe i won't make my Band work for me, or do i deserve this, what will life be like, etc.... all the nervous unknown questions, and lets be honest irrational thoughts lol.... Which soon were blown out of the water by the thoughts of me being in a better, happier, more content state of mind and body, of looking and liking what i see and what i will be like and life will be like Post Banding.....Hard to imagine! But ohhh sooo exciting and fun :>
I did notice something a tad scary the other day, as i shovelled a bowl of ice cream down, is that i have been eating alot more the last week or so, maybe im a little more nervous then i thought, or it could be me thinking in my mind, gotta get in in now,lol... Im pleased i noticed though. Now i can be aware and knock it on the head!!!
I start the Opti Fast on july 20th, and haven't had great feedback, any ideas, tips etc? lol. Im starting to tell more people also, which is great, it means i feel sure enough in myself and my decision to not care and be proud of this amazing journey im soon to embark on :)
I will say my fiance, family and friends, have been soooo supportive and i couldn't do it without them and their love....im very lucky!
So im off to bed now to dream of my new body and life :) hehehe. Keep watching and counting me down :>

Time flies.....

Well hello out there....Its been a while since iv blogged....i haven't had the time or really much to say....All i seem to do these days is work...no time for play :(
I just added a Countdown Ticker for my BAND DAY!!!! YAY!!! its coming up fast and i can't believe in just a matter of months my life and myself will change in the most dramatic way! :> Can hardly wait!!! I catch myself dreaming, imagining what my life, mind, body, feelings, will be like Post Banding...Its a mystery, and a journey, one im more then willing to take and make the most of every High and Low!
I know being Banded is only the start of my journey, but i can't help but think how happy feeling better about ME and learning to love myself will have been well worth 24years of waiting :)
I got my money from KRudd, am stoked $100 for me the rest for rego lol.... Nice to have a PM who is giving back, even if in the end they get it back anyways lol...
House is going really good, slowly doing things to it, adding my own touches... Though my relaationship has been so up and down lately, hard to keep up! But my life so far is going pretty smoothly....hmmmm i may have just jynxed myself LMAO :o
Im off to give myself a relaxing shower, facial n foot scrub :> mmmm ME TIME!

ITS A DATE!!!!

This truly is MY YEAR!!!
March 10th i had my consult with Dr Munro and i got my BAND Date!!! It's such an incredible feeling...Now Finally i have something to look forward to...The start of a new life, a new me, a happier, healthier, more confident me!!! I can't believe on TUES AUGUST 4TH, my life and the person iam now as i know it will cease to exist, i will start my journey on the path to happiness, with myself, my body, my mind and my life... No more feeling down, ugly unattractive and unworthy and just existing...ITS ON!!!! Time to LIVE!!!
And i couldn't be happier :> :> :>
I have been on a high for the past few days, words cannot begin to describe what i'am feeling, thinking, dreaming......And in just a few months my dreams, hopes, will all be reality!
I got sooo nervous booking the date for my Surgery, it was all finally real, happening, coming true.....I even got to choose my Band date, which was a pleasant surprise :)
Not such a pleasant surprise was jumping on the scales to see i weigh nearly 137kg :o and my BMI was like 44 or 45, I'm nearly HALF FAT scary, was a bit of an eye opener and more of a reason to do this!!!
What was funny was that poor Dr Munro barely had time to utter the words that if i wanted to think about it before i made a decision....before i interrupted and said I have thought about it and I KNOW I WANT THE SURGERY!!! Its the right and only decision for me!
I'm sooo excited and can't wait for August 4th...The "fun" part will be getting through the Opti Yuk stage!!! Am a little worried how i will go with that, cause iv never been able to stick with shake diets before but I'm sure i will be able to do it because of whats to follow! Fingers crossed.
I have settled into my new home surprisingly well, feel like i fit here, like its meant to be...Its awesome to have ur own home, and i actually enjoy cleaning LMAO (shock horror) hehe...And I'm love love loving swimming in my pool, i have even done a nudie dip hehehe (soon i will be able to call it a "skinny" dip) lol...
As for my food, it has been pretty good, bar the late night nibbles, but I'm kind of being alot better and kinder to myself, drinking plenty of water,swimming heaps , eating less etc.... preparing for my journey......
I'm off to bed soon....just had to share the GREAT news :)

Transition....

Well Bloggers, i know i have been very quiet...Thats because i have been busy moving into my new house with my Fiance!!! :) YAY!!! Got the keys on Wed, and spent all day Thursday cleaning the house, ready to move things in...It wasn't left in the best state, but mum and i blitzed it ;) Spent our first night here on Friday, was exciting and a little un-nerving at the same time, felt like i was at a sleep over,lol. And now here i sit, on our new couch, in our new house, which we are making into our HOME! Its such an amazing feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment!
And i have decided i'am waking up early tomorrow and going for a swim...Haven't had a chance to get in the pool as yet, been sooo busy, but tomorrow im in! hehe...Going to start doing laps and aqua aerobics, good excercise! I must confess that i'am a little anxious about going swimming, even though its in my own home, just the whole being in a swim suit drama, but im sure once im in i'll forget all about that!
Its crazy to think this is OUR HOME!!! We can decorate, renovate,etc how we like! Did a grocery shop today, needed pretty much everything and it wasn't cheap, but it was fun organising where i wanted to put everything,lol.
Its funny how things work out, i have been on a cancellation list with Dr Munro for a few months and got a phone call the day before we got the keys saying they had a cancellation for the wednesday at 2:45pm, did i want it?...But i couldn't take it because we were picking the keys up at 2:30pm, was a bit bummed at first, but then i realised OMG we are getting the keys to our home! And was more than happy to wait til March 10, which seems to be coming around rather fast... and im sooo excited for it! I want now more then ever to be Banded, and happier within myself! Its a very exciting concept, which will soon be reality! :>
2009 truly is My Year, and I'm going to take it and run with it...Can't wait to watch the New Nikki appear, from behind the layers of emotional and physical baggage iv carried for 24 years!
I miss my animals though, i have a cat, 2 dogs and a galah and i haven't brought them to the house as yet, have to fix up the fence for the dogs as next doors chooks are getting through he fence and i don't really want to be responsible for a chook running around with its head off lol...so hopefully i will have my "babies" here with us soon... I'm just glad my mum is taking such good care of them... And us, she has been such an ANGEL (especially with all she is going through right now) helping us get settled in and just BEING THERE,it has meant more to me & my Fiance than anything. Part of me is missing living there at the home where i grew up, but at the same time I'm looking forward to creating new memories, with my man, in our home!
I'm going to head to bed, I'm beat from all the moving and cleaning, but its looking great, well worth it!
Night all ;)

Today Is The Day! :>

Well, today is our BIG day...We get the keys to our HOME! Sooo exciting, to have our own beautiful home, and be in debt upto our ears LOL... It is a huge step for us and i'am so happy to be sharing it with such an amazing man! :)
Also i seem to be getting back on track with my eating, which is a good sign, and im feeling alot better within myself, not being mean and nasty to Me or thinking bad things!!! Big progress! Also had a phone call from Dr Munro's office yesterday, after all this time they have had me on the cancellations list and they finally have an opening, today at 2:45pm, but i unfortunately couldn't do it, because we are due to pick up the keys for the house at 2:30pm, spewin, but im in the right frame of mind and i can wait, March 10 isn't very far away now...And will be well worth the wait.
Its funny that moving forward in ur life can open up sooo many doors, and leave u feeling hopeful of the possibilities...Its a nice feeling.
I also got a real boost yesterday, i received confirmation from my work that i was accepted to go PPT, which will give me alot more stability and atleast when i go in for my Banding i will have paid time off, and more regular hours :> So YAY for me!
An elderly customer who fell over at work and i helped, and went and cleaned her house for gave me a beautiful card, in which she called me a "kind, angel", was so nice to hear that and see that i have helped someone...She also gave me an angel pin, very sweet...Its nice to know u have made a difference in someones life! :>
So im going to go finish packing and clearing out all the crap i have accumulated over the years....It feels really good to clear out ur cupboards, feels like it cleanses u as a person...
YAY...we bought a house!!! :) :) :)

*SLAP*

So, i finally pulled my head out of my ass and stopped feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up! And thanku for the kind and motivating comments :) they really helped! I now realise i'am who i'am, i will always be me, but soon enough i will be a smaller, healthier, happier me! And that in itself is something to look forward to... Am going to start walking with my dogs, i have 2 and they can be hard to walk together sometimes, so i think i will walk each of them at different times, therefore i will get 2 walks in a day... When this rain stops!!! Im sending my vibes for it to go to VIC, they REALLY need it!!! Might even try to get my man to walk with me, and i will get my mate Bridgy to walk with me, we have been trying to get it happenig for ages....
Also i think setting some ME TIME aside every week will be helpful, i have really been neglecting myself lately, with all the Marley dramas, moving house, work, life in general...And i deserve to have that time, even if its only 30mins....i must do it! Also found my Oxycise Videos, it is such a good workout and because it works on your breathing,muscles and circulation, you feel invigorated and energised after it, and the best thing is you lose centimetres :)
As for my food, i need to think before i grab the closest thing and devour it! Been a daily ritual lately.
My mum just rang me in tears! She drove back to sydney to work, (she is a live-in Carer) and they told her that they were going to fire her or she could resign!!! After nearly 6yrs they do that to her, all because a agency nurse put in false claims about my mum being rude to her!!! Thats all it is over!!! They gave her garbage bags to pack her stuff in, and escorted her off the premises! Im sooo fucking mad for her!!! Correct me if im wrong but i thought you had to get 3 written warning letters before they could do this??? Mum chose to resign only because she didn't want that on her record (which they told her wouldn't look good) and they pressured her to do so! Am going to ring Industrial Relations now and see where she stands, she didn't put anything in writing and neither did they so it seems dodgy to me! I feel for her so much, she was sooo upset and hurt, she is 59 and works so hard and they shit on her like this, she has NEVER been fired from a job in her life! And ontop of that she has a mortgage and now we are moving out!!! But we will do our best to help her! Anyone who has any ideas, ec would be appreciated. It is a private property for a high profile person, so not sure if IR will step in!?
Gotta go, im on a mission...