Realisations.......

I had a strange feeling today, it was a mixture of feelings really, of relief, hope, excitement, curiousity and some sorrow....Relief that i have made such an important and monumental decision in my life, for myself, to take control of my life, mind, & body and to LIVE!!!
The sorrow was for the Part of ME that im about to 'leave behind'...Sorrow for the years of taunting, feeling ashamed and embarassed and wanting to hide from the world (though i already felt invisible), of feeling a constant cycle of guilt and shame and anger when i ate, or when people would watch me eat, or when i'd sneak food and hide it as i devoured it ALL, feeling like i was with my "best friend" in the world and nothing could hurt me, food was my emotional "suit of armour" and i used it against myself for all these years, unbeknownst to myself...UNTIL NOW!!!
I know i will always remember the past because it is part of who i'am and part of why i'am where i'am now....but i hope to look back with pride and a huge smile someday soon, knowing iv come such a long way and have grown so much emotionally! :)
Im feeling very emotional (in a good way) and open today.... Can u tell? LOL! It's like iv had a "ligthbulb" moment.
Actually i think i had that moment last night at Mum's, we were watching TV and i went to get some water and without a thought i went to the pantry to look for something to eat.... I kind of stepped back when i realised what i was doing, just based on HABIT, i wasn't even remotely hungry and it really surprised me, that i just went there like a robot! Im glad i realised and have become more conscious of my actions and emotions...Loving it so far! :)
Im sooo excited!!!! Not sure if u all can tell or know, but im a bit, well a HUGE Metal gal (heavy metal music for those who don't know LOL) and im in heaven...My Bestie and i got tix today to see SLAYER & MEGADETH...And im getting tix for my Man and a few mates and my Brother to see NICKLEBACK & PEARL JAM tomorrow :> IM STOKED!!! Now all i need is for METALLICA to tour next year and i will be in Total Bliss!!! Hehehe.
Ok so more exciting news!!! I weighed today, i couldn't help myself, im not worried about it but i knew id lost more, as my clothes are getting loser already....Jumped on the scales, with a full tummy of food and clothes on tonight (i normally weigh in little or nothing at all LOL, shhhhhh) and to my surprise it said 125.5 kilos!!!!
Total loss since starting Opti Fast-July 20th (and getting my "Pammy" 6Days ago-August 4th) 12.1 kilos!!! I know iv got a ways to go yet, but im soooo Proud of myself for being so committed to my new way of living and most importantly myself...I CAN & WILL DO THIS!!!
Almost forgot...I went for a little drive to the video shop today, OMG was it good to get back a little piece of independence and freedom, though i'am a tad sore tonight...baby steps!
Well it's 12:08am people and its OFFICIALLY ONE WEEK Post Op!!! Goes fast!!! And today at 11:30 i have my first Post Op check up, hope im a good student LOL...
Thanks for reading and all ur support and kind words everyone, it really boosts me and makes me smile...
P.S... iv elected for another week off...im not pushing myself too hard too fast! :)