Today Is The Day! :>

Well, today is our BIG day...We get the keys to our HOME! Sooo exciting, to have our own beautiful home, and be in debt upto our ears LOL... It is a huge step for us and i'am so happy to be sharing it with such an amazing man! :)
Also i seem to be getting back on track with my eating, which is a good sign, and im feeling alot better within myself, not being mean and nasty to Me or thinking bad things!!! Big progress! Also had a phone call from Dr Munro's office yesterday, after all this time they have had me on the cancellations list and they finally have an opening, today at 2:45pm, but i unfortunately couldn't do it, because we are due to pick up the keys for the house at 2:30pm, spewin, but im in the right frame of mind and i can wait, March 10 isn't very far away now...And will be well worth the wait.
Its funny that moving forward in ur life can open up sooo many doors, and leave u feeling hopeful of the possibilities...Its a nice feeling.
I also got a real boost yesterday, i received confirmation from my work that i was accepted to go PPT, which will give me alot more stability and atleast when i go in for my Banding i will have paid time off, and more regular hours :> So YAY for me!
An elderly customer who fell over at work and i helped, and went and cleaned her house for gave me a beautiful card, in which she called me a "kind, angel", was so nice to hear that and see that i have helped someone...She also gave me an angel pin, very sweet...Its nice to know u have made a difference in someones life! :>
So im going to go finish packing and clearing out all the crap i have accumulated over the years....It feels really good to clear out ur cupboards, feels like it cleanses u as a person...
YAY...we bought a house!!! :) :) :)

*SLAP*

So, i finally pulled my head out of my ass and stopped feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up! And thanku for the kind and motivating comments :) they really helped! I now realise i'am who i'am, i will always be me, but soon enough i will be a smaller, healthier, happier me! And that in itself is something to look forward to... Am going to start walking with my dogs, i have 2 and they can be hard to walk together sometimes, so i think i will walk each of them at different times, therefore i will get 2 walks in a day... When this rain stops!!! Im sending my vibes for it to go to VIC, they REALLY need it!!! Might even try to get my man to walk with me, and i will get my mate Bridgy to walk with me, we have been trying to get it happenig for ages....
Also i think setting some ME TIME aside every week will be helpful, i have really been neglecting myself lately, with all the Marley dramas, moving house, work, life in general...And i deserve to have that time, even if its only 30mins....i must do it! Also found my Oxycise Videos, it is such a good workout and because it works on your breathing,muscles and circulation, you feel invigorated and energised after it, and the best thing is you lose centimetres :)
As for my food, i need to think before i grab the closest thing and devour it! Been a daily ritual lately.
My mum just rang me in tears! She drove back to sydney to work, (she is a live-in Carer) and they told her that they were going to fire her or she could resign!!! After nearly 6yrs they do that to her, all because a agency nurse put in false claims about my mum being rude to her!!! Thats all it is over!!! They gave her garbage bags to pack her stuff in, and escorted her off the premises! Im sooo fucking mad for her!!! Correct me if im wrong but i thought you had to get 3 written warning letters before they could do this??? Mum chose to resign only because she didn't want that on her record (which they told her wouldn't look good) and they pressured her to do so! Am going to ring Industrial Relations now and see where she stands, she didn't put anything in writing and neither did they so it seems dodgy to me! I feel for her so much, she was sooo upset and hurt, she is 59 and works so hard and they shit on her like this, she has NEVER been fired from a job in her life! And ontop of that she has a mortgage and now we are moving out!!! But we will do our best to help her! Anyone who has any ideas, ec would be appreciated. It is a private property for a high profile person, so not sure if IR will step in!?
Gotta go, im on a mission...

Mind games....

Well iv been quite frustrated, with myself, the past few days. I'am back to my old way of thinking...That i'am fat, ugly, un lovable, and not worthy of anything great! It may seem stupid, but i can't stop feeling shit about myself....My weight is like chains holding me hostage, keeping me from doing things i want to do, from feeling like i look good, from being more assertive and enjoying life! Im not sure what has brought this on...its weird, i think it may be the fact that i have jumped on the scales and the 3kg's i lost i have put on in a matter of 2weeks :s WTF!!! I just feel iam losing the battle and being consumed by the bulge! I want to be postive and keep my chin(s) up but its hard....
I hate the way my supervisor at work treats me differently to the 'skinny" "pretty" girls, they bat their eyes and get anything they want and when i ask for something, i barely get a grunt... I know thats how the world works and that is life,in this beauty obsessed world, but it is wrong! People can't see past my weight and it makes me feel even more unworthy... I hate when people talk to u and look u up and down...have had that alot lately...Or maybe its my own self consciousness that makes me think that...Who knows!!!???
I even feel weird being intimate with my fiance lately, feel unattractive and can't see how he could love me, let alone my body....I hate feeling like this....Thankgod for Blogging i can get my thoughts out there instead of keeping them bottled up, no matter how irrational they may be!
So i really want to try to get in for my consult with Dr Munro earlier, i NEED it! I think if i have a date for my surgery that it will feel real, like i have hope... i have lost all hope lately and have given back into mindless eating, late night gorging til i feel sick..... Im at my wits end... unmotivated, i don't wanna go out or be seen anymore....None of my clothes fit, i feel so low!
So thanku for reading and please leave me some advice, comments etc.... i love to read them!

Its The Final Countdown....

So i came to realise yesterday that is 'officially' 10 days till my 8days till my birthday, 1 month til my consult with Dr Munro, and 2weeks til we get the keys to our new home!!!! OMG, YAY, its all happening! :) I haven't even started packing, eeeek, lol, suppose i should get my ass in gear.
So i have thought a little more about going PPT at work, just for consistant hours and more security, think i will write my letter today. Its a drop in money but atleast i get paid hols. sick days etc, and i will need em with my upcoming surgery!
I can't believe how our of control my eating habits have been...its bad bad BAD!!! Im snacking late at night, eating crap all day, FUCK, i need to wake up and snap out of it, what am i doing?! I know i shouldn't but when the food is there i just consume everything....its quite disgusting!!! I had lost 3kgs, when my dog went missing, but i weighed and have put almost 2 back on!!!! Hoping i can work with the Band and not sabotage myself as i always seem to do! I definately need to work on my mind issues with food before i get my Band, i think that lapbandforthemind site is good, but way to expensive to get the help we all so greatly need, there doesn't seem to be much support for the emotional/psychological side of the Band either, from what i can see!
On the bright side of things, my girl Marley is doing great, took her for check up to the vets yesterday, she has also put on some weight, lol, but she needed to, and vet said she seems in good health, soo iam happy, she has been through alot!
I'am having bad body issues lately though, nothing fits me, i hate looking at myself and feel like an elephant, keep getting asked by my mates n my man to go to the beach for a swim, but never do, i always make excuses, to hot, no swimmers, periods, and plenty more, i WILL NOT swim in Public, especially at the beach with little skinny bimbos in their bikinis and me the whale ummm no... can u tell im jealous lmao!?
Im bored, and broke, hmmm not a good combo...
Im out....

What A Week!!!

WOW....i know i haven't blogged in a while but i just couldn't bring myself to do it...my head was in a mess... And iv been searching....
On Sunday 25th of Jan, my 3 yr old Labradoodle Marley got out, because of the fireworks. We looked for her that night til 4am, and continued for the next 8 days... I got help from family, Vets, Pounds, Newspapers, School kids, Passers by, and even our own Dogwash lady Candice ( a real sweeti), but no friends bothered to help(really pissed me off) but we had no luck finding her. The more days that passed the more desperate and hopeless we all became... Til Yesterday!!!
An amazing and kind man (Angel) called to say he thought he had found her up the beach and to get there fast as she couldn't walk...i think i broke all speed limits getting to her, my mum and i couldn't get up the beach fast enough, i was secretly thinking in the back of my mind that it couldn't possibly be Marley, but it was! She was barely recognisable, sooo skinny, dirty, frightened and exhausted, a mere shadow of our baby girl.... I couldn't believe he had found her, rescued her, SAVED her!!! And he was the same man mum n i had stopped and asked to keep an eye out for her and given him our numbers a week ago... Ironic.
Turns out she was wedged in a crevace 2 stories high, on a cliff face, for atleast 6days... Dave (Angel) said he fishes there everyday and seen sand coming down the cliff for a week, but thought it was erosion, it was actually Marley digging her way out...He said he then seen 4 guys laughing and walking away and they asked him if it was his dog, he went and looked and called her name, it was her, she only just had her head above the water and when the tide came in she wouldv drowned! He had to carry her across 50m of rocks to get her to the beach. I can't believe there are such beautiful kind people still left in the world... the other guys who seen her were going to leave her there!!! BASTARDS! He has a bad back and carried her atleast 500m from the beach to our car!
When we told him we would drop the reward in after she had been taken to the vets, he said " No, u put that towards getting her better" how amazing is that! She is still in the vets on a drip, slowly starting to eat, and when we went in today she was a little brighter and i got a tail wag, so good sign... She is one strong, determined and lucky dog... how she got there is a mystery, and a miracle she survived there for so long with no food or water!! And so very fortunate that a Angel was nearby!
Am sooo happy, elated and thankful that she is found and ok (or atleast she will be) :) We have our baby back... will know at 5pm today if she can come home :> Can't wait!
So a fantastic end to a long, stressful and somber week...
Will post some pics soon, of Our lil Surviver, House, etc...