Well iv been quite frustrated, with myself, the past few days. I'am back to my old way of thinking...That i'am fat, ugly, un lovable, and not worthy of anything great! It may seem stupid, but i can't stop feeling shit about myself....My weight is like chains holding me hostage, keeping me from doing things i want to do, from feeling like i look good, from being more assertive and enjoying life! Im not sure what has brought this on...its weird, i think it may be the fact that i have jumped on the scales and the 3kg's i lost i have put on in a matter of 2weeks :s WTF!!! I just feel iam losing the battle and being consumed by the bulge! I want to be postive and keep my chin(s) up but its hard....
I hate the way my supervisor at work treats me differently to the 'skinny" "pretty" girls, they bat their eyes and get anything they want and when i ask for something, i barely get a grunt... I know thats how the world works and that is life,in this beauty obsessed world, but it is wrong! People can't see past my weight and it makes me feel even more unworthy... I hate when people talk to u and look u up and down...have had that alot lately...Or maybe its my own self consciousness that makes me think that...Who knows!!!???
I even feel weird being intimate with my fiance lately, feel unattractive and can't see how he could love me, let alone my body....I hate feeling like this....Thankgod for Blogging i can get my thoughts out there instead of keeping them bottled up, no matter how irrational they may be!
So i really want to try to get in for my consult with Dr Munro earlier, i NEED it! I think if i have a date for my surgery that it will feel real, like i have hope... i have lost all hope lately and have given back into mindless eating, late night gorging til i feel sick..... Im at my wits end... unmotivated, i don't wanna go out or be seen anymore....None of my clothes fit, i feel so low!
So thanku for reading and please leave me some advice, comments etc.... i love to read them!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Mind games....
Posted by to b ME at 6:45 PM
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3 comments:
Hey try to keep your CHIN (not chins) up and I hope you start feeling better about yourself soon because clearly everything you are thinking/feeling about yourself isn't true. You are gorgeous, have a man who loves you for you and a beautiful home. We all have our down time but it will be over soon xo
C'mon Nikki....
We all have bad days and think we are shit!! God knows I have them all the time, but we need to realise its our own bad body image that makes us think this way, not necessarily that we are these things we perceive our selves to be, You have had and still have allot going on, try to focus more on the great things that are happening to you, and how blessed you really are, you have a wonderful handsome caring man by your side, a beautiful lucky dog and a wonderful new home, life hunny is pretty damn good right now, and the weight problem...well I have just begun to realise we can still be attractive no matter what size we are, Smile sweetheart, you are beautiful. Maybe you are feeling a little sensitive at the moment. Have a good moan or in my case a damn good cry, get it all out and move on, don't dwell on the negative. Life is too short and no-one else give a shit what size you are, but like/love you for you xxxxxx
I find when I used to feel like you do now - especially in the feeling unattractive sexually etc - the best thing to do was to start walking a few kms every day. It's hard to get started but it elevates the mood and makes you feel sexier. sounds crazy but it works. Also, in my experience, guys hate hearing us anxst on about feeling unattractive or fat - they are with us and they fancy us - tell them often enough that you're unattractive and they might start believing you!!! Take care
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