So Up & Down...

Hope everyone had a lovely Chrissy and got spoiled.... I know i did... :) I got Singstar, am so stoked, hehe I am such a wannabe singer lmao!
Had the in laws up from Chrissy Day til sunday(today) my mother in law did my head in, so rude, anti social and nasty, made me feel soooo uncomfortable in my pwn home!!! Iv never felt that way around someone before, i kept trying and trying to make an effort to talk to her, make conversation, make her feel at home, but she gave me nothing back, not even a smile, and i would catch her staring at me! By sunday i was totally over making an effort and when they left i told my fiance how i felt, he was like its not you, its my mum, shes like that with everyone, don't take it personally! But i can't help but feel it is personal, she will be mopey and sour when its just her and i or my family and her, then when my man comes into the room she is all smiles, and happy, so two faced...When he was out of the room, his mum and i were making chit chat and i said something like "yeh he's my baby, I love him" and she turned to me and said, "well he is MY baby" but in a really mean and cold tone...i was shocked.
I think i may be coming across as a bitch, hope not..... lol....just a sticky situation, and my fiance and i were arguing about it, then i thought im not going to argue over his mum and let her come between us!!! Am i wrong to feel this way? Any tips or advice would be happily welcomed!!!???
Now i know everyones been busy with Chrissy but why hasn't ANYONE left me a comment? :( im feeling like no one is interested in my blogs anymore!? God im a sook haha!
Can't believe how excited iam to be getting closer to getting my Band ("Pammy"), 2009 is going to bring such a new and amazing journey and iv actually surprised myself in telling a few more people about getting Banded, and have not had a bad reaction yet... Though my brother recommended i check out some similar procedure that uses bubbles to squish the stomach and has same effect but it isnt clamped around ur stomach so apparently better...anyone know what he is talking about? i couldn't find it cause he didn't know what it was called??? Anyone heard of the stomach being erroded from a Band? thats my only main concern...
Splurged a little over chrissy and got sooo much damn choccy, i was thinking oh geez thanks, r u trying to make me fatter! LOL so im trying to give them to good homes... Getting back on track though, not really stressing anymore.
Am going to start my Diabex tomorrow for my Insulin Resistance and PCOS my Doc said that is probably why iam so tired and run down all the time, my cells aren;t getting the sugar they need and i think she may be right! So will get back on them and see what happens and also hope the side effects don't come back with em.
I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays and are keeping happy and safe!!! All the BEST for 2009...may it be a happy, fulfilling, and eventful New year for each of you and i hope all ur dreams,wants and needs come true!!!!

HO HO F**King Ho

Well i haven't blogged for a while...have been flat out with work, shopping and an endless mountain of presents to wrap...eeek where is Santa when u need him hahaha!!!??? ;), Alot has been goin on, we put an offer in on a house, and nearly had it, but the agent kept screwing us around and giving us false info, so we missed out, was disappointed but there will be more houses out there... just hope we find one soon as the thrill of house hunting is losing appeal fast lol.
My fiance is selling his boat tomorrow, its his baby but we don't use it much around here and it is a ski boat so its not really practical for this area but it is his/our baby, and i told him to think really hard about selling it and not to if he wasn't sure, and his response was he wants to sell it to pay off his debts, so we can get into a house quicker and i thought that was incredibly sweet!!! we can get a fishing/skiing boat down the track... he is such a sweeti. And i know how lucky i'am....
Am kinda over Chrissy already, so much stress, rushing around and not to mention money, its just excessive....i sound like such a humbug hehe. Im sure i will enjoy Christmas day with my family, well whats left of my family, everyone is at each others throats for reasons i can't quite say, but i will say that certain members of my family won't be in the same room with each other EVER again, which is sooo sad and i feel in the middle and am trying to remain neutral but its not really happening! I hope things work out and they can put aside their differences in the near future... Seems almost everyone has family dramas this time of year lol strange!
As for my eating habits, well lets not go there, i will say this though i have never ate so much Macca's as i have this week, just cause of being so so busy and never home...Bad Nikki Bad!!! Back on track again after Chrissy though... Oh and i'am going to try my hardest to give up smoking in the New Year, for my health, to save money and for my upcoming Banding!!!
Still staring at my ring, my engagement ring that is hahahahaha! ;>, i'am also starting to look for reception venues, dresses, invite ideas etc so i have a ideas for when we decide to set a date, which we r both thinking won't be for about 2-3yrs, til we get settled into a house, save some $ and i get banded and on my way to my goal weight, then we will set a date.... Which im quite happy with, because i want to feel so damn sexy and glamorous on our wedding day and i know losing some weight will be a major factor in that!
Am spending NYE in sydney, right on the harbour at my mums work to watch the BIG fireworks show....am soo looking forward to it, it's my first NYE off in like 4 or 5 years, bring it on hehe.... Am really looking forward to a New Year with new beginnings, adventures and fun....and most of all a NEW ME!
I hope everyone has an Incredible,safe and Happy Chrissy and New Year and all the best for 2009..... see u in the New Year :)

fingers crossed!

Well, to start with, i have had heartburn for like 2days, and it is driving me nuts, not to mention kinda painful! dammit, go away lol! :( iv drank enough mylanta for a horse lol and no change and i can't think of anything i ate that wouldv caused it.... any home remedies anyone wants to share? more than welcome.
Slowly coming down off cloud 9, still catch myself staring at my ring, its sooo pretty and sparkley hehe im in love...with my ring hehe. and my fiance of course ;) Haven't really set a date but we are thinking probably 2ish years, but i have found a dress that i adore, its so sexy and classic, and also unique.... why is it that most or should i say majority of plus size bridal dresses are hideous, out dated and boring???!!! hmmm tisk tisk designers! :p
We've decided we want to get a house first and have put in 2 offers on a couple and are waiting to hear back, got my fingers crossed....everyone cross everything for us and send positive vibes my way please :> we so found our dream home but they are being greedy greedy vendors lol SELL US THE HOUSE!!! But if it's meant to be it will be huh.
As for my weight i have lost 1kg and have had a few comments from people saying i have lost when i can't even notice it...could be all the sex LMAO!! :0 am dying for july to be here already, want this band sooooo badly u would not believe... i also ordered a book to help with the mind taming that needs to take place for me to succeed with my weight loss...it's called the Gabriel Method, anyone tried or heard of it? Its meant to help re-educate ur mind and thought process so won't hurt...
Put the Chrissy tree up tonight,looks great and it's made it feel more like Christmas...Hope Santa comes to me haha...
Well im off to drink some more mylanta.....HEARTBURN BE GONE!!!! grrrrr lol.

On Cloud 9...Im ENGAGED!!! :>

WOW...I keep staring at my finger in amazement and happiness...i can't believe that iam actually ENGAGED to the most amazing, sweet, strong, kind, man and that i had no idea that he was going to pop the question. I mean i had a feeling it would happen soon but had no clue he was going to ask me to marry him at the beach, under the stars on our 2year Anniversary!!! Im so so so HAPPY!!! It was so sweet when he knelt down on one knee and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, reached in his pocket for a little white box with the most gorgeous ring inside...R u serious i said lol, i started crying surprisingly and said YES I don't know how many times...What an amzing day...i haven't stopped smiling :) :) :) And won't for a long time.
So now we are Engaged and looking for a house to buy and make a home together everything just seems sooo right. Iam now even more than before sooo determined to get my band ASAP and look amazing for myself, my health and OUR WEDDING DAY!!!
I just feel so much more driven and motivated now to lose weight and get fit and feel good about myself and love myself as much as my FIANCE does, hehehe so strange to say lol...
So iv had such a AMAZING start to the week i honestly don't think anything could bring me down at the moment! Going to look at more houses this saturday...they are getting cheaper and cheaper, found one we adore but didnt want to rush in, keep looking til we know when its the one!
Work is good getting more shifts.... finally, really need the $ and we got our staff Chrissy party on the 14th and im so excited and hoping i don't end up as messy as last year hahaha ;>,
Jumped on the scales and am down 1kg, i'm not sure why, i haven't been trying lol, weird, maybe once u stop u lose weight...who knows...
So i just had to update u all on the BIG NEWS...and just type it so i believe it too lol....

The possibilities.... :)

Well hi there, im back....with some excellent news...We got approved for a house loan...got $300k to spend, but not sure we want to spend that much for our first home. It made my day getting the phone call on friday...so we have been looking at some houses and found one we are in love with, but are going to keep looking and not rush in too quickly... :) YAY! we can start building a life together!
WOW,tomorrow is our 2year Anniversary, my how time flies when you are having fun :) i can't believe how fast it has gone, i have my special man, a happy life and soon a more healthy one, so iam very very pleased...think we will go out for dinner tomorrow to celebrate and share a bottle of wine, and we have the house to ourselves finally so we can be romantic ;>, I never thought i would be here....now...happy....content in a relationship.....and this is my longest and happiest relationship ever...2 years WOOHOO lol...
So iv been reading about banding on the net and read that some people only eat 2 cups of food a day!!! that seems quite extreme and to me unhealthy??? what is everyones opinions on that...is it normal? It just bothered me a bit, i mean i know i have issues with food etc, and am looking forward to eating less, im not sure if 2 cups a day would be what i want for me, i still want to eat and enjoy my food... Also do any of you out there drink when you are eating, like can u sip a glass of wine whist eating etc?
Is anyone out there still reading my blogs? i haven't had comments or feedback for ages...how sad haha....please leave comments,feedback, advice,etc...or just say hi :>
Will keep u all posted on what is going on in my life....

Loving life right now, and so happy... "To Be Me"

Changes all round....

Hi peoples, well alot has been happening!!! And Iv made an executive decision... im going to switch Health Funds from NIB to HCF, instead of paying $119 a month i would only have to pay $75...BIG difference! and they will roll over the time i have already waited with NIB so i don't have to wait the 12month waiting list...YAY!!! im approved for my BAND in july 09 on the 8th..not too far away...looking forward to 2009!!!
Also my man and i went for a house loan on sat...well a pre approval, and will know on thurs if we r approved...soooo excited! And scared! lol. we have found a few houses we like, so will have a look at them on the weekend. its a HUGE move, but now is the time to buy, and the interest is only going to keep dropping the way things are going and i think we are ready. It just means we will have to stick to a budget and im going to get a 2nd job a few days a week just to put into a savings account to help us get started...And i will have to stay away from the shops and stop buying clothes etc...it will be worth the sacrifice though!!!
Apparently i have lost weight according to other people, though im too scared to jump on the scales and see lol...i don't think i have but i never do so i may have, lol... have been working sooo much and not stopping so maybe all the work has knocked some weight off me lol...
So im feeling finally things are happening in my life that are positive and have meaning and that i have quite a positive future together with my man! :)
Will keep u all posted on any news and am always happy to hear comments and see new followers of my blog! :)
Also anyone out there with HCF who has been banded? would love to hear feedback!!

Spooky..........

Well finally went on my ghost tour last night...went to 2 cemetaries, was pretty cool...the first one had alot of energies and i felt quite cold at first being there, but then found that i felt really at home there after a while, and not scared at all. i got some amazing photos of orbs, and spirits around me, was amazing!!!! Can't explain them, but they were definately there. also heard a baby crying in the distance and a harmonica, and we were in the stix,so explain that!!! When we got to the next cemetary it pissed down and we had to just sit there waiting for the rain to ease, but to my predictions it didn't, so we will hopefully get the chance to go to it again soon... because i got good vibes at that one and it made me realise just how much im into spirits and spirituality.
So not alot is going on today, slept in quite late and am going to work at 6pm, oh joy! Hoping it is quiet tonight, don't feel like being around alot of people today,not sure why!?
Im sooo over food, its not my friend, just a bitchy two faced traitor that tells me they are my friend then stabs me in the back when i turn around and BANG 5kilos...sneaky fucker...i haven't put on weight lately but im just over food and ALWAYS feeling GUILTY when i eat....it sux!!! So i still haven't got my ass to the gym....and am pissed at myself...but between work, trying to do prac and life in general i just don't have the time... guess i have to be a better juggler lol.
so im off to help the neighbours with their garage sale...hoping my partners dirtbike sells. :)
Will have to post some new pics soon, especially those of the ghost tour and my new dress.

So Sick Of Being Sick!!!

So here is sit, can't sleep, can't stop coughing, headache and just feeling generally run down...went to Dr's yesterday, to get something for this cold iv had for over a month now!!! They are starting to help but doc said they may cause thrush.....ooooh joy! lol. Im going to be broke this week cause i had 2days off, eeek. I have just been eating for comfort latley, with the death of my friend, work and family stresses and anything that would make me feel better, low and behold my ol pal...FOOD! But am determined to get back on track!
Got my ghost tour on friday, sooo excited, to get out and do something iv always wanted to do, and to hang out with my mate Biddy! :) GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!!
So its now 12:34am and im thinking i should drag my butt to bed.
Iv been looking into changing health funds, im with NIB and pay $119 a month, so i can be covered for my Banding surgery, but really cant afford it, and am hoping there is something cheaper out there, and just thinking that i hope they will swap the waiting time over if i swap funds so i don't have to wait the 12months again, as i will be approved with NIB in July 09...not very far away, bring it on! Im soooo looking forward to getting this life saving and changing tool for me to begin my new journey....To Be Me! :>
Im sooo happy to see people are leaving me comments and iv been reading their blogs too and really enjoying seeing things from other peoples points of view, it is really helpful...
To all who have helped me, shared with me etc thanku!
I shall return ;) hehehe

Rollercoaster time....

So, hello to all my readers, or lack there of... i know i write these blogs for me, but it is nice to have some feeback or know that people are interested in reading them. Im just feeling like iam on a rollercoaster lately, my emotions, food habits and mind are all over the place and im feeling quite lost and desperate.... i drove 15mins today to get maccas cause i felt low and didn't really care, but the whole way there i was arguing with myself in my head saying don't do it, u don't need it or want it, but i got it and ate it and continued to feel even worse after...im at my wits end and am wondering if iam going to be a good match with my band when i eventually get it, whether i can work with it or am i going to keep fucking it up!!!??? Im starting to feel im a very weak person...in my decision making,determination and will power anyway.
So iv also had good intentions of going to the gym but haven't got there as yet, but im going to make a real effort to get there next week, iv gotta do it!
Got something to look forward to atleast with the ghost tour coming up... should be a fun, spooky and interesting night...
I need a reading ASAP, might get Biddies mate john to do one for me soon, or organise a reading party...might give me some guidance. I think i also need some healing done, got alot of old issues from the past lingering around me and need to let them go to move forward.
Got a wedding friday and got my lovely dress to wear, so hoping i feel really good in it when i wear it...nice to find clothes that u feel good in, makes a difference...
So thats all i have to say really, just venting the thoughts in my head, sometimes it helps!

Thinking thinking thinking...

So... iv had a pretty normal day... cooked tea and cleaned the house before i went to work, damn i spoil my man lol...but he's worth it!
Got my friends funeral tomorrow, going to pay my respects then go to work straight after, i did have the day off, but now i have to work, funeral at 12, i start work at 1, so if im a tad late they will just have to deal with it. I have noticed though, that since sandy passed i have been eating heaps more, obviously emotional, but finding it really hard to stop myself, to say the least...it weird, like u know u shouldn't be eating it but u still do, its like a boxing match in ur own head!!! Quite draining, and frustrating.
Am going to do a ghost tour with my girl Biddy soon, and i can't wait, have wanted to do one for ages, and the fact that iam intuitive will be interesting to see how i react to the experience... want to do the sleep over there soon too, freaky lol.
Also its Halloween tomorrow, for those of u that live in a cave and don't know, im soooo stoked, i love Halloween, not so much the trick or treat thing but the past behind it and the fact that it is an eerie night ;) LET THE WITCHING HOUR BEGIN!!!
Oh and iam going to a info seminar/support group for pre and post banded peeps, should be fun and informative... Im going to make an appointment too to see the Doc that i will be getting banded with, just to get an idea of when i can actually get in to do it once iam approved and see what he thinks i should be doing in the meantime til i can be covered by my Health Fund!!! Just want it now, or better still yesterday....lol im sooo impatient.
So im guessing i should get to bed and get some rest hey....big day tomorrow....

Ohhh What A Night!!!

Went out with all my mates last night to the club to see the Kami's, they are this mad band from NZ...they rocked it!!! Was soooo awesome to get out with my mates finally, i never get a saturday off so i made quite the effort to enjoy it lol...and lets just say am feeling a little worse for wear today...but well worth it, my mates all work with me and they are such a crazy crew :>
I also got my sexy dress out of layby, am so excited, its the first time in ages i have tried something on and thought damn i look and feel super good in this... will have to learn how to post pics on here to show u all... Also layby'd a cute dress from crossroads which was a bit snug but not by much, a goal for me to reach :) I find its good to set goals..
Im realising that i really need to start making more of an attempt/effort to eat better and exercise...haven't really been doing anything lately and it shows... im avoiding the scales like they are the plague lol... but getting back on track ASAP!
A good friend of mine passed away yesterday,walked into the club(my work) and seen the notice, was sad, but she had been sooo sick with cancer so it was kind of a relief and blessing really, hope that doesn't sound terrible but it was...she was such a beautiful, strong, wacky woman, so we requested brown eyed girl and everyone got up and danced and laughed for her and thats exactly what she would have wanted :) Love you Sandy, i will miss you so much!!! xoxox know u will be around us all, watching what we do and smiling at us with that big cheeky smile of yours...
So for the moment thats all i can think of, due to my impaired brain function lol... I just know that i really need to pick myself up and push on with my lifestyle changes because iam lagging, and not feeling motivated, but i gotta do something!!! NOW!!!!
Bye for now....

HANGOVER BE GONE :p

hmm...frustrating

So why is it when u feel like u are getting somewhere it all comes crashing down on u?! Well im meant to be finishing my Course on thurs, and just finished a assignment, then yesterday at college they spring it on us that we have another 2 assignments to do, i said to my teacher why are u giving them to us now, did someone forget to give it to us earlier and she said yes, so now i have to do 2big assignments and post it back after the course finishes...mind u its due on the 4th of nov, so gunna be hard to get them done! And they also told me cause i missed 2days sick last week i now have to make them up mon tues, or i will have to wait til next year....SHIT!!! what about the other people who have missed weeks and haven't made it up!??? Meh...im over it!
And im sick today so am waiting for work to get back to me and let me know if they have covered my shift.... i just feel a bit low and like im flaling... but it will all pass.
So not alot is going on really apart from workin, study, trying to have a social life lol...
Iv started using my crystals, am loving it, used me green Howlite the other night to help me sleep and recall dreams, and find its actually working, i really believe crystals are a helpful and thereputic way to heal and to gain clarity....anyone else had any experiences with crystals? Im trying to get back in touch with my spiritual side,iv lost it along the way...
Going to start walking with Biddy soon, for support and a push, if this damn rain would stop, though i love it, its not good for encouraging enthusiasm,lol...
Ohh got girls day out with work on tues, and now im not sure if i can make it cause of the course days i have to make up, grrrr, and was so looking forward to going out and getting on it with the girls and letting loose,hehehe at the clubs expense hahaha....
As for my eating habits well lets just say they have gone on the back burner, as im emotionally consuming food,eeek, again... but trying not to dwell on it and just make improvements....will keep u all posted.
So things are looking like going backwards for the next few weeks but hey, im strong and i can take it on lol.... i hope...

thats all from To Be Me....eventually

Lookin Fly ;)

Well well well,
iv had a great day, went and got waxed, tinted and pampered, feel great....Then went to Westfield with my man for late night shopping, lay-by'd the cutest dresses....Am sooo STOKED, i got one that is super fly hahahaha...and my man actually gave me a big grin and said he loved one, which is a big surprise, u know how men can be when we take them shopping lol. And i felt sooo good in them both...will post pics when i get them out of lay-by....but damn they make big gals clothes soooo expensive, i mean seriously there isnt that much extra fabric, they just know we can't find much Nice stuff so we will fork out the money....i spent $380 on 3 items,eeek, but i deserve it. :> OMG i nearly forgot, i actually bought, wait for it....a pair of.....SWIMMERS!!!! Shock horror....the top was so cute and colourful and young,not like the old granny swimmers that are around, and i just need some boardies now... funny how i went from sooo scared of swimming in public, to buying a pair lol strange...still nervous of swimming infront of people other then my man and family, but i thought ohhh well, shouldn't let my size hold me back anymore....and im going tot try not to let it!
If i ever win lotto look out i will open the hottest shop and make it affordable and super stylish and sexy!
My man and i then went to lonestar for dinner, was nice to finally have some time together, and talk, laugh and be silly, i had a small carafe of wine with tea and it was yummy... hehe... i sound like a pisshead... my man also had some words to say about me getting banded, when i was going nuts buying clothes, he said that i shouldn't but too much caise in a few months i will be banded and shrinking rapidly lol... he also said that he is happy for me if i go ahead with it but he is nervous and wants to know more info about it, which i thought was really sweet, he is so supportive, and i will take hime to my first pre op consultation so he can find out more and ask any questions he may have :)I love him soooo much, am really lucky.
So i have been trying to have more of a positive attitude and it seems to be working... and goes to show that positive thoughts create positive things....
I really think things are starting to look up for me,finally! Look out world, im on my way To Be Me!!! :> :)

words of wisdom...

"Don't dream of what you want to be, be what you've always dreamed."- Annemarie Failla
I found this quote and loved it, thought it applied to me, or anyone with a dream....and with the journey i'am on i really related to it!
So iv had a good start to the week so far, nothing bad has happened and i'am back on track with my healthy eating regime... I finished my assignment for college, hope i do well in it...and soon i will have finished my course, yay, no more study.... :)
As for work, i have another busy week, and no weekend to myself.... my partner and i are getting along so much better, because i finally opened up and realised i need to let go of my hang ups....it will take time, but it will happen. Thankgod i have such a supportive man in my life, who is my lover and best friend...
Im going to get measured up for work shirts tomorrow, seen as though they dont stock anything larger then an 18 at my work and there are atleast4 gals who are over that size....
We are going to Jamberoo for a girls day out next week and well, im a tad nervous, to say the least, wasn't even going to go, i don't swim around people at all, especially socially, i actually haven't swam in years, and everyone was pressuring me at work to go and swim, im now trying to find a swimmers top and boardies, and will see how i feel on the day.... doubt i will go on any slides... This is why i need the band soooo bad, im sick of watching life and not participating in activities that deep down i would love to do... but have to make excuses or lie to cover up the real reason why...im embarassed, ashamed and so much more...
So thats it for now.... am having a mental block...

too much going on!!!

well well well...What a night!!! so after doing a 9hr shift last night and seeing someone get glassed in the eye, i got home after 1am to find my bro,mum and partner having a D&M, and i got a bombshell dropped, and iam sooo mad, and not sure what to do with my emotions.... some people are so selfish, and iam referring to my so called sis in law, she is the most selfish, cruel, manipulative, hypocritical person iv ever known... so anyways was up til 5am trying to talk to my bro and help him through his hard time and then woke up feeling ohh so emotionally drained today.... Iam feeling down, and also inadequate...
My partner has copped it this morning, and for some reason all my insecurities are coming out! I feel like because of my weight gain iam really unattractive, and wondering why he is with me, really negative and not good i know, but i can't seem to pull myself out of it. Im also worried that he will find someone else, though deep down i know thats not true! Our intimacy is non existent at the moment, mainly because of work patterns, life and me feeling insecure.... i just feel like iam pushing him away...
So iv had my little vent, i think thank fuck for blogs at times like these, because the irrational thoughts in my head are better put to paper(so to speak) then blurted out.... i do feel a little better now. thanks everyone for listening lol.
On the other hand had a great day with Bridgy on Thursday, went to Yum Cha, which was yummy, then shopping and found some nice summer clothes and watched bridgy buy a hot new dress and killer shoes, was stoked for her, she looked great!
So i think i really need a reading, some guidance or something... well I'm going to take this face mask off before it hardens too much... okie dokie.... bye for now...

what the future holds...

So things are starting to happen in my life...like the job offers, feeling postive about myself and food, planning to save for a house and start a family in the next 2yrs...all going to plan, hopefully.
Am starting to realise i need to get my PCOS under control and my weight in order for the family to come and even for me to feel like i could walk down the aisle when and if my man proposes... i don't want to even consider getting married at my current size! Couldn't bear to look back at the pics and be unhappy with myself....
I was kinda having doubts about the band, i guess just over thinking and freaking myself out a bit, with the what ifs etc...but think i'am just a bit scared...but spoke to a good mate and she calmed my nerves :) Its a huge decision but kinda an easy on because i know if i don't get help i will end up dead or wanting to be dead! Im ready to start living, might ring Dr Munro and see when he thinks i should have a consultation... only 9ish months til i can get my health insurance to cover it....bring it on... but in the mean time i want to keep being mindful of what i eat and keeping active and try to lose a little b4 i get my "Pammy"...
Ohh i found the cutest dress online for a wedding and the races but not sure if it will get here in time.... stressed lol.. does anyone know of any sites that sell young sexy modern clothes, have googled and looked at like 30 sites... maybe someone in the US knows some nice sites the big women over there always seem to dress sexy and hip...??? would really appreciate some help...
Im going to weigh myself tomorrow, the first time in 2weeks, we will see what appears, but am not going to obsess over the figure though, my clothes feel looser so that is a good sign...
Well to all my fellow bloggers, keep smiling and keep following my journey! :)

ahhh the Coast...

Well had an interesting night last night when my man and i went for our walk. In the street next to us we heard a car horn going off and seen flames, we ran, yes ran around the corner to find a car fully on fire, we rang the fire brigade, and watched it til they got there, was crazy how quickly it went up and then the tank boomed, scared the shit out of me! lol. I reckon someone had an insurance claim, or it was stolen, had QLD number plates on it,hmmmm strange... It was about the most exciting thing that has happened on the coast in ages lol, sad.
We went for a hour walk and my poor puppy was exhausted lol, but i felt quite good after it, and have been eating healthy so time to up my water intake...
I opened my email today to find that the Mine job i applied for months ago have sent me an email saying that they are really interested in me, another job offer, they are rolling in, but im a bit unsure if it is a scam as they want me to buy a $91 info pack of the jobs they have positions for and then they said they would contact me further, it just seems a little odd you have to pay for things before you even have the job? Any ideas??? Im just really needing to bring in some extra money to get my car loan down and thought this would be good, its $1200 a week, just for doing bar work...
So apart from that not much else is happening...sadly...im bored but going to go for a walk to coles to get some stuff for tea...
Ciao...

Feeling Inspired Again

I was watching Oprah this morning and happened to see some stories of peoples weightloss transormations, was sooooo inspiring and they did it by themselves, on lady lost 4oo pounds, thats insane! and she did it by slowly cutting down her food intake, slowly doing little bits of excercise and listening to her body, i know i know it all sounds like common sense, and i have been there before but i think maybe i tried to jump into it head first and too quickly, so im going to try her approach and take baby steps and see where it gets me...its worth a try and maybe i will not sabotage myself, like i always do... Its just another avenue im prepared to take, and it might be a better option then the band... its such a big decision to make!
My partner is so motivated to do this as well, he went for a walk on his own last night cause i had to work back and is not drinking grog during the week anymore... he pushes, encourages me and always makes me feel like i can do whatever i put my mind to, now i just have to try to do that too. We are going walking tonight and iam kinda looking forward to it, no more excuses not to go walking or move, i have to, not only for my weightloss but for my general health and my puppy dogs,lol as they haven't been walked in such a long time and they deserve to be.
Had a bowl of Just Right with lite milk for brekky.
Am going to have a small bowl of Cicken and rice for lunch or maybe some crackers and tuna, a piece of fruit and or a yoghurt...And drink more water, drink more water, drink more water.
Am hoping to really do something for myself this time.
I also noticed yesterday that when i got upset about something, i went straight for a choccy, and i realised it and almost stopped myself, but gave in, but its a good sign that i finally realised what i was doing, which has never happened before...so perhaps a start in the right direction!?
Well iv had my little splurge of words and let u all know where im at at the moment.
Until next time.....

its all happening...

Alot has been happening since i last blogged, hence the lack of blogging,lol. Well im almost finished my prac and i have been offered 2 jobs one CAS and one PT looking after a quad locally and iam stoked its a great opportunity, will give me more experience and confidence to do what i love. and i get every 2nd weekend off,yay!!!
Was my mum's Birthday yesterday, took her out for a nice Cafe brekky and got her a 2hr massage,facial,mani and pedi etc, she deserves it. and then had a bbq with the family in the arvo, was a goo day.
Looks like my nan isn't coming home from the nursing home either, all because my pop has money and can't bear to part with it to get the house reno's that nan needs done to get home. She is hating us all for it too, and keeps saying we don't love her and we are putting her in an early grave, it breaks my heart seeing her in there and the care she is getting is so shitty! So the best we can do is try to find her somewhere nicer to stay and keep going to see her everday and trying to keep her spirits up...old age is so sad because u know we all have to get there and u wonder who will look after you and come to see you.
My partner and i have also decided to start walking together and eating more healthily,we need to, and it will give us both more encouragment to do it if we do it together. I have had heartburn for 3days and i dont know why...its driving me insane!
I haven't weighed myself for a week and a half now, am doing good, stopping the obsession thing lol. And have noticed im alot happier not weighing myself everyday.
Am planning to go to Bali next year also, sooo excited, i love Bali, and the people, i could so live there and be happy.
I actually got to go out on friday, it was great to let loose for the night and have a few drinks and dances with friends, i never get to do it, had a ball but payed for it the next day, but was worth it.
So thats been my week, rather eventful and full on but good.
Now im off to do my assignment....like a good girl....

and it's gone again!

I have had a turbulent week, between family drama's that never seem to end, work, study and fighting my own battles in my head i am drained, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I slipped alot with my healthy eating and undid all the good work i had put in! I seem to have lost all the positive vibes and self encouragment that i had not so long ago. And i'am trying really hard to stop beating myself up, i just feel like i defeat myself all the time, with my emotional eating and i know that i have to get it under control before i get banded or it will be pointless! ARRRRGH FRUSTRATION!!!
But am trying to not be to down on myself, trying. I just am back at the stage where i feel nothing looks good on me and i feel uncomfy around people, at times. I just keep saying snap out of it Nik!!!
On the other hand i finally got some material to make some work shirts, yay, now i can can get some made that actually fit.
Nearly finished my assignment for college,and am back doing prac again for 3days at the nursing home, am still loving it.
Iv been looking online for wedding venues, just for curiousity and fun and there are some gorgeous places around that are reasonable in price and i think i have found the dress that i love! We will see, though i should probably wait for the ring lol...
Well im off to clean up and go see my nanna..
And try to keep positive!!! Think happy thoughts...

trying new things....

Well today i went back to the Nursing home to do my prac, and met some more gorgeous residents, had a good day this time actually got to do more, fed them, made beds, used a stand aid lifter and helped out in general. Apparently next week i will be showering, dressing etc all on my own, excited but kinda scared, just nervous about hurting someone or doing something wrong,and haven't had much practice, plus im going to be assessed as i do it, eeek! But overall a good day, and i got an early mark. Have to make up a few days i missed whilst on holidays and when my ankle was sore...but should be able to catch up...
On the way home i stopped in at a Scrapbooking store to check out what it was about and am thinking of doing a course there to learn how to do it, it is such a great way of preserving memories and pics, and i was amazed at what u can do with it, so many designs etc and u r only limited by ur imagination... so will post pics of my first page i scrapbook.
Also the last 2days i have been a good girl, really watching what i eat and drinking 1-2litres a day, am quite proud of myself, think things r going to look up from here on in. Its amazing what a positive mind set can do! :)
Well im off to the nursing home to visit my nan and show her me in my nursing uniform, shes been wanting to see it lol so cute.
Have an AWESOME day everyone!

feeling liberated...

Well today i woke up feeling liberated and oddly positive...strange for me. Iv decided to not weigh myself til October 31st...halloween hehehe, just to give myself a break from the love hate relationship i have going on with my scales...am going to knuckle down and drink plenty of water, start walking again now my ankle is better and watching my food intake, cut down portion sizes, sugars and fats and just try to love me more and treat my body with RESPECT!!!
Am just hoping to be more AWARE of what i'am doing to myself and more importantly for myself...
So thats what i'am thinking at the moment.
Im also going to try to stop thinking and worrying what people think of me, i do that way too much! And in the end what really matters is what I think of ME,because i'am going to be with myself for a long time,lol... My partner continues to make me feel so special and loved, he is always telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful i'am, i just need to start believing him and feeling it and i know with time i will believe that, as i feel better in myself.
I have been reading heaps of stories on other peoples journey with their band and am finding out that alot of people are simply relying on the band to do all the work for them, still eating junk food and wondering why they aren't losing...it just goes to show that it is a bit of a mind over matter situation and that u have to work on your mind as you lose the weight and work with the band not against it...its great that there are so many forums out there for people to swap and share stories, tips and even recipes (for the mushie stage etc) with each other.
I have also decided that once i'am banded my bands name will be Pammy, ie: Pamela Anderson lol...thought i should give her a name and it was quite fitting i thought. ;)
Well im going to put some music on and dance around the house while i clean,lol,burn some energy and fat...
Good morning, Good afternoon and Good night all ;>,

What A GREAT Day! :)

Hi all... Iv had an awesome day today, i finally met up with Miss Skinny Biddy and had a great time,thanks chicky! We also met up with some other gals from the PCOS forum, talking,laughing and sharing stories and our hopes with the band. Was so awesome to meet other women who are going through similar situations to me.
And to Miss Skinny Biddy, it was so great to finally meet you and hang out together, we got on like a house on fire and you inspire me soooo much and always offer me advice and many kind words, i relate to you so much on many levels... U ROCK! :) By the way ur new pics blew me away, u look so different and are continuing to transform yourself , So proud! :)
So i babysat after my fun day out and then had the family come over for tea, was good, and i did try not to overindulge, but i had some ice cream for dessert, but only a little. I'am starting to realise that the less i stress about what i eat and the less i put myself through the cycle of Guilt the easier it will be to make healthier sensible food choices..and iam going to really try to do that from now on. NO more negative self loathing or criticising ME...Iam a beautiful person and i DESERVE beautiful things. @-->--
Ohh and iam going to go go for a trial at the gym with Biddy in the next week, wanting to join so bad but its a matter of money, so hoping i can afford it, really want to get back into working out, once i get into it i love it, i leave the gym feeling so invigorated and its going to be so much more fun and inspiring to have a gym buddy to go with...GIRL POWER!!! hehehe
So only another month of study and prac left til i'am a fully qualified AIN and can work in Age Care etc, and i can't wait for the study to end and the hands on to begin, i'am really loving looking after the oldies, they are so sweet and wise and have so much that i can learn from them, i love hearing their stories...Its so rewarding to see them happy and smiling and knowing i have had something to do with that. And i just hope that when i get older that i will have someone to do the same for me.
Well im off to bed in a minute so i can get up at 4am to watch the MotoGP with my man,lol,i promised! Night Night all...

Im back!!!

Well, its been a while since iv blogged, but im back from my holiday and i had a blast...the wedding on Bribie was beautiful and my dress looked lovely...Hows this for freaky, my partner and i both caught the Garter and Bouquet, so i think that is a sign,i hope lol. And had my first dance with my man in the year and a half we have been together, was sooo sweet and special to me.
Ankle held up ok, am going back to the doc today for an xray to make sure things are ok...fingers crossed.
So being a casual iv got no shifts this week as yet, so am going to have to tighten the perstrings for the next couple of weeks, but it was worth it. Its so nice to get away but always great to be home, i missed my babies (my animals) thy were all so excited to see me, its nice to be missed lol.
I was going to jump on the scales and see what i had done on my holiday but decided against it, think i should just focus on getting back into eating healthy...Am a tad worried that the weight i have put on in the past few months has messed up my body internally alot, i haven't had my period for going on 3months if they don't come this week, am going to ask the doc about it today, have done a pregnancy test and im not pregnant so am wondering if it has something to do with my PCOS!? I haven't had this happen since i was 16!
I soo want this band done ASAP...i know it is my last resort and my light at the end of the tunnel, so hurry up july 09!
Thanku to everyone Especially Skinny Biddy for all ur comments, support and advice throughout my journey. Its really helping me and encouraging me to hold on.
Damn it feels good to blog again :)

The BEST Day!!!

I have had the BEST day! Today i got my partners surprise for me...he hired a Harley for 24hours to take me for a ride, knowing how much i love them..i was so stoked, well i still am... we just followed the road to wherever it took us, and ended up in some little town, at a pub havin a beer n lunch, then kept riding til the weather turned shit and decided to rain on us. We would've had longer on the bike, but had to go to one of those timeshare seminars so we could get the accommodation cheaper...damn they were sooo pushy!!! But anyways had an all round good day. We just went for a quick night ride while the rain had eased, was mad seeing Surfers all lit up...very pretty!
Dreamworld was a bit of a non event though...As i expected the only ride i could go on was the water rapids, the other rides harnesses were too small or some shit, was quite frustrating...its like they think fat people don't want or don't deserve to go on rides...Bastards! But that will be my reward after i reach my goal weight...to spend a few days at the theme parks going on all the rides!!!
Seen a pic of myself and damn i knew i had gotten big but it was a shock as to how big....I HAVE to do something!
Has anyone heard of or tried accupuncture and/or chinese herbs for weight loss? If so did it work?
Off to Bribie tomorrow am looking forward to seeing it and seeing my friends get married... Iam still waiting for my "Ring" though lol... one day!
Well im off to have a shower and relax...Cause im on holidays and thats what im going to do ;),

I've Arrived! :)

Well Peoples, i made it to QLD ( well Byron Bay actually ) yesterday,twas a 9hour drive, but i really enjoyed it...beautiful scenery, and nice to have a long trip with my man...I even got to see the "Big Banana" though i was expecting bigger lol, the highlight of my trip so far hehehe! We stayed at a 'little' cabin last night (literally), it was like being in a sardine tin...and soo old, i like rustic, but this was just rusty! lol
We are now in beautiful Kirra for the next 3days, apartment is awesome...sooo big and tomorrow we r going to Dreamworld....Just hoping i can go on the rides!!! But am excited! Then go to the concert on Tues night then my surprise from my man Wed yay, can't wait!
Am so stoked to be away on hols, and looking forward to the wedding on saturday, iam now the official "Driver" for the groom/groomsmen...get to show off my hot car...Marilyn is her name! hehe...
As for the eating habits, have tried to be good, but drinking a bit and had Homer Hudson last night, so yum...but will keep trying to be good. And my damn ankle is still up like a balloon, its pissing me off, want to walk around the town and see things but its still so damn sore, grrrr...trying to keep it elevated and rubbing paw paw ointment into it to try to bring out the bruising, fingers crossed! Is it normal for a sprain to still be swollen 3days later??? Any ideas on how to help it?
Thanku for the comments, keep em coming.
Anyways im off to drink my Bundy,hehe, ciao for now :)

Crappy Start...

Well today started off ok until i sprained my ankle, damn dogs left one of those king size bones right infront of the laundry door, and i didn't see it, ankle went left, i went right! Thought i had broke it, but 3hours later ant the ER and its just a bad sprain.... I have great timing with my trip to QLD on saturday, sooo hope it gets better, and i had to give up an 8hour shift at work, my poor supervisor heard me crying and it takes a bit to make me cry.
I just had to vent my pain and frustration, but i just took 3neurofen so hopefully it will ease soon. So enough of me whinging... but im home alone and had no one to talk to... not that anyone reads these anyway... And if u do people would u leave me some comments, its depressing seeing Zero comments everytime i log on :(

Not Long....

Good morning all...I decided to drag my butt out of bed early to try to get an early start on my packing for QLD before i have to work, got called in at 6.50am for an early start...damn work, need the $ but really didn't want to go in, but more $ for QLD i guess.
So i have got the longest list of things to pack, i love lists lol... hoping i don't forget anything...I now can't pick which dress i want to wear to the Wedding now, lol, so indecisive. And to be honest a tad nervous about the theme parks, and the rides, will i be able to go on many because of my size...they should make the harness' bigger for EVERYONE! So hope i can go on some, especially lethal weapon. I cannot wait for the day that i don't have to worry about that sort of thing, bring on my Band!!!
I had a similar experience to Skinny Biddy last night at work, i can be a bit of a push over and often bite my tingue to avoid conflict, but had some idiot customers who were giving me grief and getting agressive, so i cut them off and asked them to leave, then one lit what i thought was a smoke right infront of me inside the club, and blew it in my face, i told him to put it out or i would get security, he kept smoking and then i realised it was a joint, i called security and then he got thrown out along with his buddy... my boss said i shouldv called him sooner and went off, i tols him that if security was around like they should be this wouldn't have escalated in the first place...he had nothing more to say and i felt empowered!!! Finally i grew some balls lol... No more letting people walk over me! Nuhuh! :)
So to all u women out there don't take any Shit off people, especially men!
Well im off now, need a coffee...

Very Interesting...

Well what an interesting morning iv had... My Bf rang me to ask me what i had planned for our teip to QLD, he is planning something, as am i, hehe sneaky sneaky...iv bought tickets to see Disturbed (one of the greatest Metal bands) in Brissy while we r up there, its his fav band and he has no idea ;) Cant wait to see his face when he see's them, I bought the tix and told him they were sold out lol....And apparently he has a whole day planned for me... i love surprises. So will keep u all posted.
Boy did i get another pleasant surprise this morning, jumped on the scales just on a whim and to my surprise they say i was 132.7kg and i haven't even really been trying, am pretty happy, maybe my new positive attitude is taking affect lol... YAY!!! :)
Started my day off with a coffee and a bowl of porridge with fruit, so far so good... am going out for tea tonight so have to see if i can be a good girl. So on my day off it's house work, study, and not much else...Great! But someone has to do it. Iv been thinking about my relationship, i'am sooo happy, i have found such an amazing guy... And i never thought i would. he has been my rock through everything and he always believes in me and makes me feel so special...i know what people mean when they say when u find the one u will know...well i know.
Hmm so what else is new, not much...Just keeping busy...

What A Day!!!

Hi all! Well what a day iv had... just got home from a 10.5 hour shift at work, great $ but damn shitty organisation on managements behalf! Am sooooo tired. Its so frustrating sometimes, but on the bright side made $25 in tips :) Might hit my man up for a foot rub, hehe.
I was doing better today, eating healthy and drinking plenty of water, that was until i finished work and grabbed a twix choccy...my weakness... but not going to beat myself up, just back in the saddle again tomorrow and back on track. Just needed a sudar hit,lol.
Only 6days til QLD, bring it on i say! Iv got soo much college work to do, 2 assignments at once oh joy, but i'll get stuck into them tomorrow. Day off, sleep in woohoo.
Have heard about my friends room mate who has been having accupuncture and chinese herbs and has lost 56kgs in a year...im going to look into it, might be a less invasive alternative then the Band, will see. Am starting to feel hopeful for a change and seeing that i have options out there and that iam not the only one going through this...im not alone, though i feel that way sometimes!
Well im off for a hot shower and hopefully a foot rub ;>
Bye for now....

Take two... :)

So the time has come for yet another blog....im quite liking this blogging stuff...it really is a big help to write down what u r thinking, feeling, wanting, hoping etc...
Well iv now decided that i will try to firstly deal with my emotions and the reason behind y i eat when im feeling emotional before next year when i can get the band... i think that would be the sensible thing to do, because the band will be my tool and i don't want to spend all that money and time getting it if im not going to do the work and meet it half way, with my eating habits how they r now i would only end up sabotaging myself in the end otherwise. So yes, thats my plan!
Iv had a great day today, feeling really positive and quite happy with myself. :) I picked up my dress from the dressmaker today, it looks great! Im going to a real 'posho' wedding next weekend in QLD and wanted to look hot...so i feel i look pretty hot,lol well i think i look nice anyways, will post some pics soon. I so can't wait to get away, think it will do me the world of good!
So iv also planned to start eating better, not dieting, but just watching what i put in my mouth instead of mindlessly consuming things... its worth a try.
Iv started looking at the big picture of what i want and hope to achieve and i think that that will give me more enthusiasm and drive to get what i want out of me and my life....and down the track the Band.
Hi ho hi ho its off to work i go....damn shitty 3hour shift, i soooo couldn't be fucked goin, but u get that...
Back again soon...

My Journey To Finding ME!!!

Well well im here, finally, a place where i can vent and share my journey with people on the same path as me and those who have been down this path and r NOW living the life they always dreamed...
Its taken me 23years to decide that enough is enough, i need help, i need to change the path im on before i head over a cliff! And more importantly i WANT to Change! Im not sure if its self destructive or self medicating, or maybe both, but food and i have always had a love HATE relationship... For as long as i can remember i have been overweight, suffering within myself and my own image of me and who iam...i have never had a good self image or thought others perceived me as anything more then the Fat Girl! Iv had total strangers shout things out of there cars like Fatso, Heffer,Lose some weight, and people have even asked me if i was pregnant... all of these broke my heart and drove me deeper into my dark hole, where food was my friend and my comforter, and would not judge me.
I can HONESTLY say i have tried EVERY type of diet from Pills,Shakes,Low Carb,No Carb,Low Fat,High Protein,Detox,Juice Diets,Soup Diets,WW,Jenny Craig, Lite n Easy,Hypnosis, to more extreme measures like not eating at all(which didn't last long lol) and throwing up what i did eat(stupid i know),i could go on....all with little or no effect, especially long term...im sure alot of u can relate!
Finally i found out about Gastric Banding whilst watching ACA on tv, and began researching it, i then went to the seminar with Dr Munro and was feeling quite hopeful,like maybe,finally,there was a light at the end of the tunnel.... I went home and the next day i rang NIB and told them i wanted to have the surgery,so excited, and making sure i was covered and can u believe it, because it had dropped my cover earlier that month i was told that they would NOT cover me,even though i just went back on the higher cover again. Just because i missed out on the "cooling off period" by 6days, 6 damn days, and instead of only waiting 2months for the band i will now have to wait 12months!!!!!!! I could have cried, my lifeline felt as though it had been severed... I appealed it and even though i had been a loyal client for 5years and payed them a shitload of money, that didn't seem to matter, i got a nice message on my answering machine the next day...'ur claim has been REJECTED"!!! So 12months wait it is.
Having PCOS/insuline resistance, aswell is also a HUGE reason i want this surgery, as i want a happier, healthier me, and i also want a family in the next few years and want to be able to be energetic and playful with my kids and confident in myself...
My mum and partner have been so super supportive of me and my decision to get Banded, my partner thinks i don't need it and loves me regardless of size, but understands why i need and want this for ME! I love them both so much and wouldn't be able to do it without their love and support! I have decided to keep it quiet til iv had the surgery as for me this is a very personal journey i HAVE to take and then if people ask questions after, i will gladly tell them.
I have met a great gal who has become an awesome source of support and friendship in the short time we have known each other," Miss Skinny Biddy" thanks girl, u have been very informative and a good mate! :) And a huge inspiration!!!
And for the first time in sooo long i can smile and know that iam on my way to a new, happier, healthier me and a new Fun, Fulfilling, and Beautiful life....
Let the Journey begin...